


Stone Soul

by CooperNox (CooperMox)



Series: Love and War [3]
Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Classic cars and the nerds that love them, Clexa, Comic nerd lawyers, Domestic Clexa, Ex Drama, F/F, Fluff and Smut, Marine Corps, Military Working Dogs, Multi, NSFW, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rock Band
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-05-08
Updated: 2015-09-15
Packaged: 2018-03-29 15:48:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 25
Words: 50,766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3901957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CooperMox/pseuds/CooperNox
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What would Lexa do if she couldn't be a Marine? Can Clarke help put her back together?</p><p>Eight months after "Runaway Bridesmaids"</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> _"If I were made of stone could you shake my soul_   
>  _To its very core no one could before_   
>  _It was easy to block the thought of you_   
>  _But you get right through and I'm glad you do_   
>  _Now you turned me into such a fool and you know it's true"_

"Building C, number 4. This is the one. The lights are on, she's home, just ring the damn bell." Lexa muttered to herself, crumpling the post-it in her palm and raising finger to the small yellow lighted doorbell. The backpack on her shoulders felt like it weighed more than she did and her uniform felt too tight, too starched, too out of place. Standing on the steps of the townhome in Alphas seemed suddenly very wrong. She should have changed at the VA, but she had nothing to change into, nothing a civilian would wear. Her suitcase hadn't made it onto the standby flight and she had left it behind in Dallas. So many "should haves" ran through her head as she forced herself to press the bell. 'Should have called, should have kept my mouth shut, should have stayed on base, should have not pressed that bell.'  
There was a light thud on the other side of the door, it's resident pressing their eye to the view port, then the clatter of a chain and the click of the bolt sliding back and the door was flung wide. 

-

The very last person she expected to ring her doorbell that evening was Lexa. Yet there she stood, dressed to the nines, silver tracks clipped to the corners of the starched khaki collar, hat tucked under one arm, hair pulled up in a braided bun. Lexa the Marine, but her Lexa. At her door, on the other side of the country from where she should have been. Clarke stood holding the door for a moment, trying to understand what she was seeing, and wondering if she was in fact asleep on her sofa, dreaming this whole scenario.  
"Captain Heda." She finally said attempting to match the formality that Lexa's uniform demanded, composure only lasting a moment before she threw herself into the marine on her front steps.  
"Lexa." The name felt much more natural on her tongue than her girlfriend's title.  
"Clarke. I missed you." Lexa only barely managed to grab her hat and drop it safely to the ground before the impact of Clarke's crushing hug. She wrapped her arms around the other woman, lifting her easily as she spun them to avoid falling. Clarke laughed, and Lexa decided it was the best sound she had ever heard. A sound she hadn't heard in person since her brothers wedding eight months ago.  
"What are you doing here?!" Clarke asked as her feet touched the ground, stepping back enough to see all of Lexa, keeping her hands on her shoulders.  
"Not that it's not the best surprise I've ever gotten in my life, but you were supposed to go on deployment yesterday, weren't you?"  
"It's a long story Clarke, may I come in? It's been a crazy day."  
"God. Yeah. I'm a jerk. Uhm, you hungry?" Clarke grabbed her hand, pulling her into the house.  
Lexa smiled, feeling better than she had in months from only seconds of contact with Clarke.  
_'This was the right choice.'_ She thought, dropping her bag by the door and reluctantly dropping Clarke's hand so she could crouch to untie her shoes.  
"I'm ok hon, just tired. You're not a jerk. I did just show up out of the blue on your doorstep."  
Clarke dropped onto the sofa, and patted the space beside her, looking concerned but not wanting to press the question again. The hundreds of questions she had flying through her head. Lexa sat, unbuttoning her coat, collar, and the first few buttons of her shirt, allowing herself to relax for the first time that week. She pulled Clarke to her side and let herself sink back into the cushions and Clarke's embrace. Clarke looked up at her expectantly.  
"My tour has been postponed. Indefinitely." Clarke pulled back slightly, confused. She knew Lexa hadn't wanted to ship out overseas, but she sounded so disappointed now, almost heartbroken.  
"What happened?"  
"Medical review. Psych evaluation. Mandatory suspension from the corp until I can pass a full evaluation from the VA. I guess I woke my bunkie up screaming the night before we were supposed to ship out. She reported me unfit for duty." This was all stated so matter of factly that Clark worried she was losing Lexa to that dark person she had been before they'd met. The one that didn't care about anyone or anything because they were sure that they would lose them.  
"The nightmares?" Clarke knit her eyebrows together in concern, not remembering Lexa's nightmares to wake her with screams. Lexa nodded. "They're getting worse aren't they?" Another nod.  
"She said she would have kept it to herself except that I went for my gun when she tried to shake me out of it."  
Clarke blinked, things were much worse.  
"They suspended me until I can prove I'm ready for duty again. And they said I could use any VA in the country, so I chose here. Stanford's psych program is doing some really great things for PTSD, and... " she trailed off.  
"And?" Clarke prompted gently. Months of phone calls and skyping had trained her to know where to be cautious with getting information out of Lexa.  
"I don't want to be alone." She replied quietly, reaching up to cup Clarke's cheek. Clarke responded naturally, knowing Lexa's silent request. She leaned forward, pressing a gentle kiss to Lexa's lips, waiting for her to decide how far and how fast she wanted to go. Lexa returned the kiss, pulling Clarke closer but not letting herself give in to the rush that washed over her. She kept her kisses soft, knowing that they had time and not wanting to act impulsively. 

When they broke some time later Clarke curled herself into Lexa's lap, resting her head on her shoulder, humming softly in contentment.  
"I'm glad you're here Lex, even if it's not the best circumstance. It means a lot that you'd come here. I know it would have been easier to go to your mother's or Lincoln and Octavia's..."  
"There's no where else I want to be Clarke. That night before the wedding, that was the only time I've ever felt safe after waking up like that. If I have to face this, I want to face it with you. If you'll put up with me." She smiled, trying to keep the conversation from going too dark.  
"Put up with you? How many times have I watched you fall asleep on the other side of a camera just to make sure you slept well? How long have I been telling you that I'm here for you and I'm not going anywhere?" Clarke asked with fake unamusement peppering her voice.  
"Probably longer than you should have honestly." Lexa laughed slightly ruffling Clarke's hair. "But I appreciate it. I love you Clarke." The words were whispered to the top of her golden curls, accented by another soft kiss.  
Clarke pulled back to look Lexa in the eyes, wide grin splitting her beautiful face as she beamed, hearing the words from Lexa's lips for the first time.  
"I love you too Lexa. I think I loved you from the moment I saw you, I just didn't know what it was." Clarke beamed at her love, having the words out in the open made her giddy. She pulled Lexa's shirt to draw her forward into another kiss, deeper and more passionate this time, as the moment deserved. They were both grinning into the kiss, dissolving into laughter before they could get lost in it. Finally admitting how they truly felt toward each other was like a weight lifting from both their chests, allowing them to finally breathe. 

"So I've never seen the full uniform. It's so fancy." Clarke teased, fiddling with the medals and badges over Lexa's coat pocket.  
"It's stifling is what it is. Cammies are my preference, but it's preferred that we travel in Alphas." Lexa batted her hand away protective of her awards despite the complaint.  
"And here everyone thinks you're so uptight, wouldn't they be surprised to learn you hate the button down spit-shine look?"  
"I was uptight. Until you came along."  
"Flatterer." Clarke kissed Lexa's nose quickly and jumped up, holding her hands out to help Lexa up.  
"Do you have a change of clothes?" Lexa nodded her head as she allowed Clarke to drag her up and spin her around to help her out of the coat in question.  
"Bag got lost at the airport, it should be here tomorrow, they'll send someone to deliver it. I have my sweats though."  
"Go get changed, I'll hang this up. The bedroom is upstairs. You are staying here right?" Clarke realized they hadn't exactly established where Lexa would be staying.  
"If it's not an Inconvenience. I can check in to the hospital if I need to, they'd prefer me to be in-patient, but - "  
"You're staying. Having you so close and not here with me might drive me crazy." Clarke smiled and nodded toward the stairs. Lexa picked up her bag and headed up to Clarke's room, promising to be right back. 

Clarke had Lexa's coat on a hanger but laid out on her small kitchen table when Lexa returned wearing her familiar US Navy sweats and hoody. She wrapped her arms around Clarke's waist from behind, resting her chin on her shoulder to watch her trace the medals and badges.  
"Magpie." She whispered on Clarke's ear, dragging her out of her trance.  
Clarke laughed.  
"Sorry, that's rude huh? I was just... What do they all mean?" Her curiosity getting the better of her. Lexa freed one arm to point to each bar in turn, still holding Clarke with the other.  
"The badges are pretty self explanatory." She started, pointing to the expert rifle and expert pistol pins that hung down from bars labeled with exactly that.  
"These are; good conduct, marine security guard, American campaign, overseas deployment, sea service deployment, Global War on Terrorism service, Afghanistan and," she paused coming to the last bar, a black field with white and blue stripes bordered with red ones on each side. "Prisoner of War." She finished quietly. Clarke spun in Lexa's grasp, pushing herself back with hands on Lexa's chest.  
"No! You never said!"  
"Getting captured and held against my will for three days isn't exactly something I'm proud of Clarke. Apparently it's part of the reason I'm on psych leave too." Lexa tightened her lips, trying to not get upset at the memory.  
"Tell me." Clarke said forcefully, pulling out of Lexa's arm and sitting at one of the two kitchen chairs.  
"Clarke," Lexa took the other chair reluctantly, not wanting to dwell on this.  
"No, this is why you're here remember? To work through this. You have to talk about it. We talk about everything Lexa, but I don't know any of this, you can't run from it anymore." Clarke was frowning, Lexa's stubborn refusal to open up was one of the very few things Clarke could not stand about the love of her life.  
"If you want back on active duty you're going to have to talk about it, and if you aren't going to talk to me, you might as well check in to the hospital because I don't know how to help." She hated herself for saying it, for raising her voice when Lexa was so vulnerable, for the threats and ultimatums, but Lexa was a marine and sometimes tough talk was all she understood.  
Lexa's face ran the gamut of emotions in a matter of seconds. Surprise gave way to hurt which morphed into pride and finally gave way to defeat. She rested her cheek in her palm, elbow propped on the table and began.

"My last tour was Afghanistan, we were just there as back up for the army. They had a cell locked down but the leader had taken hostages in the last firefight, so we were called in to bring them home. The mission went south pretty quick. We stormed the house, gunned down the hostiles, but it wasn't the cell's leader, it was a set up, our boys weren't there. They fire bombed the building and I was so sick from the smoke I had no idea who was dragging me out. I woke up with two other marines from my unit and six soldiers in a bunker. They were using us as bait, the tactic had worked the first time, so why not again. They tortured the soldiers. We were valuable to them, at least they thought. Marines are high value ransom, they wanted to use us to bargain for their escape. They would have killed us in the end, but they treated us, not well, but better than the soldiers." Clarke reached for Lexa's free hand, stroking her thumb over the back of it, trying to keep herself from crying as she pictured Lexa's story in her mind.  
"POTUS sent in the seals for us. They stormed six bunkers simultaneously that night. We lost half the army team and our gunny before the seals extracted us. When we got home the president himself gave me that medal, the two ahead of it, and a desk for the last year. But he pushed the paperwork for my promotion to captain himself, said it was the least he could do. Really it was the most he could do. He couldn't bring those men back, no one could, so The rest of us got pinned for their loss. I was proud of it at the time. Thought I deserved at least that much. But it's just a joke. I lived because I'm an officer, I had value to them. Those enlisted men were picked off, labeled collateral damage, and forgotten. My gunny? He had a family. They didn't get a body to bury, they got a flag and posthumous awards to put on their mantle, but I got placed up a rank with special treatment from the president. For what? Surviving? I failed to take out our target, got captured and four good men got killed. And before you ask, no, I haven't told anyone about it. Father is navy high command, he picked some of the seal team himself, but mother and Lincoln don't know." Lexa's voice grew more bitter with each sentence and Clarke could see her blaming herself for every life that was lost, blaming those medals. 

"Why do you want to go back? Why re enlist if you don't agree with it? You could have asked for discharge and I'm sure they would have given it to you, but you're here, getting psych treatment so you can go back. So you can go on another tour and lose more lives. What are you fighting for Lexa?"  
"It's all I know. I've been in the armed forces in one way or another since I was fourteen. And Gustus, Keller, Fields and Downwood, If I quit, what did they die for? I lived and they didn't, I have to make that mean something." Her mask was cracking again, giving way to the sting of tears threatening to spill over. She shook her head to clear them, refusing to break down.  
"It means something to me." Clarke touched Lexa's cheek, guiding her eyes to meet her own. "You lived and now I've found you. Your life is more than just the military, you don't owe this country anything more, you've given up too much already. You lost Anya, and you lost yourself because of that. You lost these men and you're losing your sanity for it. They would understand. Don't ask me to give you up for dead men, Lexa." This time Lexa let the tears fall, Clarke was right, as she usually was. Her life had changed when she met Clarke, the Lexa that she had become to deal with the loss of her sister had started to fall away. It scared her, letting go of ten years of herself, but that person wasn't who she had wanted to be. Wasn't who Anya had wanted her to be, wasn't who Clarke loved. That person was the Marine, and now they were broken, and every day the cracks grew wider.  
"One hard choice at a time ok? Let me get my head on straight, and then we'll talk about me retiring." Lexa's eyes dried and she straightened, grabbing their joined hands with her other.  
"Permission to go to bed my love?" She asked sweetly, forcing herself to smile sleepily at Clarke.

She laughed and shook her head slowly.  
"Alright, I know you've had a long trip. But, this comes off. All of it." Clarke stood and tugged at the navy hoody. Lexa looked at her suspiciously, unsure what she was asking. Clarke read the look and laughed.  
"As much as I'd like to, that's not what I mean. No military in my house. No uniform, no tags, no permissions or 'yes ma'am', no navy hoody. You're a civilian here. This is your place to find Lexa, ok? Not Captain Heda."  
Lexa took a deep breath, trying to decide whether this was a fair deal or not. She decided to let Clarke have this one. There was no point in arguing with a lawyer and she was, as usual, right. Lexa needed to distance herself from the marines, even if she went back, she needed to have her own self that was separate from that life.  
"You know I have to go to my appointments in uniform right?" She asked with a touch of sarcasm.  
"That's the exception. Now, tags please?" Clarke held out her hand and Lexa dutifully pulled the chain over her head, placing the tags into her girlfriends waiting palm. Clarke hung them over the hanger with Lexa's coat and put the collection in the closet by the front door.  
"I like bossy Clarke, she's kinda hot." Lexa teased, standing and heading back to the stairs, letting her hair down as she went. Clarke just lowered her brow at her looking unimpressed.  
"Upstairs you. T shirts and shorts are on the shelf in the closet. I'm just going to lock up." Lexa took a few steps up and turned back for a moment.  
"Very hot." She winked and took the rest of the stairs two at a time to avoid the shoe that was lobbed at her, laughing. 

 

Lexa was already tucked under the covers of Clarke's plush bed by the time she finished her nightly check of all the locks and light switches. Clarke stripped off her own sweats, and shirt, already wearing her pajama shorts and opting to sleep in her sports bra, and crawled under the comforter to snuggle into Lexa's side. She sat up quickly when she found nothing between Lexa's skin and her own, pulling the covers back to confirm what her hands had found. Lexa grinned devilishly at her as she took in her naked skin.  
"You said it all comes off... I'm just following orders."  
Clarke wanted to scold her, wanted to come back with something equally snappy, but nothing came.  
"I love you." Was all she could manage before she pulled the covers back over them and proceeded to cover her in kisses.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pillow talk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _“I've been living in a dream about you_   
>  _And now I know you were all I ever wanted on my mind_   
>  _And if I never see_   
>  _My own reality_   
>  _Well, I'm okay to leave it all behind”_

"How. Did. You?" Lexa tried to catch her breath as Clarke trailed a line of kisses back up her body, stopping to nip at the soft curve below her hip.  
"Where did you learn to do that?" She finally managed, releasing the fistfuls of sheets that she had been gripping to drag Clarke's face back toward her own. Clarke only grinned and kissed her. Lexa felt Clarke's body shudder on top of hers, the same aftershocks she was experiencing, telling her that she had not been alone in her ecstasy.  
"Clarke," she murmured again against her love's soft lips, tasting herself on them.  
"Believe it or not? Reading." Clarke answered finally, pushing herself up slightly to roll off to Lexa's side.  
"Reading? Reading taught you all that?" Lexa turned her head to follow Clarke's movement, resting when they were nose to nose again.  
"I have a really good research library at my disposal. Really really good. Also the Internet." She laughed extracting herself from the bed, brushing gently at the silver bar in Lexa's still stiff nipple as she pulled away. She waited for Lexa to breathe again before asking,  
"Water?"  
"Please."  
"I'll be right back, don't move."  
"I'm not sure I can." Lexa let her head drop back into the pillow dramatically to prove her point, Clarke's laugh filled the room behind her as she went downstairs to the kitchen. 

"Well, now I'm exhausted, I feel like I should apologize for keeping you up after a long day," Clarke said as she returned with two bottles of water, hers already down to half.  
"Don't you dare. Never in my life have I been happier to miss a few hours of sleep." Lexa cut in, grabbing her bottle on one hand, and pulling Clarke back into bed with the other. She huffed a short laugh,  
"Honestly, you are scary amazing in bed, I'm almost embarrassed, I don't think I will ever be able to live up to that. First and last time, I give up, can't compete, you win." Lexa reached for the crumpled bedding and pulled it up over them, wrapping herself around Clarke with tickling fingers as she joked. Clarke's response was to halfheartedly bat her away, giggling at her girlfriend's antics.  
"A fluke performance I'm sure, beginner's luck. I'm thinking it's safe to assume it's been a very long time since you've been laid, since you've obviously forgotten what good is." Clarke teased, Lexa's praise making her blush. "How long has it been? We've never brought that particular topic up."  
Lexa chewed her lip, squinting upward to think.  
"Aside from the two 'almosts' at your mother's house.... that was eight months, Ummm, tack another ten to that? Yeah, before Afghanistan, the senate tour. Texas." She snapped her fingers as she remembered.  
"I can't remember her name though."  
"What did you get a hooker? Do we need to get tested?" Clarke asked, only half sarcastically.  
"No. No, she was a friend. Ish? She was technically part of my mission." Clarke raised an eyebrow. "Not to sleep with her! I was guard detail for a senator, she was one of his assistants or press managers or something. We just spent a lot of time waiting outside closed doors together. Anyway, your turn. How long has it been?" Lexa turned the conversation back to Clarke before she dug herself a deeper hole.  
"Well... not eighteen months? More like, maybe nine?" Clarke flinched back from Lexa's embrace expecting shock or judgement or even anger.

"Oh?" was all she got. Lexa just looked curious.  
"It was just some stupid thing. We were just screwing around and he wanted it to be more serious. I called it off a few weeks before I flew home."  
"Why do you seem nervous about this? we've been together for eight months, what you were doing nine months ago isn't anything I can get upset about." Lexa's face drew up in concern.  
"It's not really a big deal, it's just we were friends, and then that happened, and well, we still run into each other a lot. He's kinda my neighbor." Clarke tapped the wall behind their heads indicating the next apartment over.  
"Same floorplan over there?" Lexa asked, throwing Clarke off for a second before she nodded.  
Lexa just grinned at her. The upstairs of the townhome was essentially just a bedroom loft, which meant that this neighbor's bedroom was right on the other side of the wall, probably an exact mirror to Clarke's.  
"So he probably heard us?" 

Clarke dragged a hand down her face, groaning.  
"I can never leave the house again." She moaned.  
"Is it really that bad? He's a guy, he's probably been jerking off this whole time, live action lesbian porn next door is kind of every guy's fantasy." Lexa had heard plenty of her classmates and fellow marines say as much over the years. She'd had to transfer out of one unit because one of her teammates hadn't stopped harassing her when he'd found out she was sleeping with a woman and he wanted to watch.  
"Actually, he's probably sobbing into his pillow right now. Wells is, he's kinda still puppy dog in love with me. He helped me move in here, and we started hanging out and got to be really good friends and it was cute at first. Then we got drunk and slept together and it was fun so I let it keep happening, but then he wanted to actually date and do couples things. I just couldn't see him as anything other than my friend, and I broke his heart." Clarke's guilt spilled out all at once.  
"He tries to act like it doesn't bother him, and I've tried to stay friends with him, but it's really awkward now. I couldn't tell him about you, I just couldn't cross that line, talking about relationships with him, and now he's probably over there crying thinking I'm just randomly hooking up with women that show up at my doorstep."  
"I'm suddenly questioning your judgement on mentally sound partners Clarke."  
"Rude." Clarke stuck her tongue out, grazing the tip of Lexa's nose with it and earning another blitz of tickles.

"If it's really bothering you, why don't we talk to him together, maybe if he understands that you didn't blow him off just to 'randomly hook up' with other people, he'll chill out a bit. You still want to be friends with him right? If he cares, he'll understand and maybe try to move on." Lexa said as she relented, propping her head up on one hand to look at Clarke.  
"And none of this bothers you?" Clarke asked incredulously.  
"Should it? Should I be shocked that someone else fell in love with you like I did? I'd be pretty torn up in his position too. Maybe not crying myself to sleep over it, but I'm not a pansy, so..." Lexa rolled her eyes and sucked in a breath through her teeth, shrugging slightly. "Maybe I should be a little jealous. But this isn't someone you used to love, this is a friend you used to fuck, I'm not worried about you suddenly deciding to leave me for him, that would be more than a little crazy. I'm messed up, but not that insecure." 

Clarke could only shake her head, in awe of Lexa's ability to rationalize a situation that could have gotten grossly out of hand. She could remember Bellamy and Finn being almost violently jealous of each other in high school just for being 'the ex' and the 'new boyfriend' even though by the time Clarke was dating Finn, Bellamy was technically her brother. A fact that for some reason, made Finn even more possessive and Bellamy more protective. Two things that did not mesh well and caused both boys to be kicked out of family dinners multiple times, and ultimately led to Clarke cutting Finn out of her life.

"You aren't messed up Lex, really. Sure you've got crazy ass nightmares, but messed up people don't take finding out the person their girlfriend used to sleep with still lives next door quite so well. You've actually got a pretty healthy outlook on things."  
"What are you a shrink now too? Clarke Griffin: Political space lawyer and psychobablist."  
It was Clarke's turn to launch a tickle attack, finding an unexpected sweet spot at Lexa's ribs.  
"Your therapist is going to hate you." Clarke informed her as she writhed away from the unbearable torture. "And there's a psych pre-requisite for Law. How else are you going to convince a jury or figure out if your client is being honest."  
"Ok, ok, you win!" Lexa panted, signalling her defeat, and Clarke relented.  
Trying to catch her breath she brought them back to a less sarcastic level of conversation.  
"It’s good for some things, I’ll admit that, but lets just agree to not talk about the psychowhatsit anymore yeah? That shit makes me nervous as hell. I don't like me being in my brain, I really don't want anyone else poking around in there." She yawned and Clarke brushed her now wild hair away from her face, deciding she’d kept Lexa up way past her bedtime. It was late on the west coast, and Lexa’s body was still set to east coast time.  
"Sleep love. We'll talk about all this in the morning ok?" Lexa hummed agreement as Clarke reached over her to click the lamp off. 

"You have Space. On your ceiling...." Lexa muttered, her eyes adjusting to the dark to find a swirl of stars glowing above her. She was at once awed by the talent obvious in the drawing of it, and slightly concerned why a twentyfive-year-old would chalk a glow in the dark galaxy all over her bedroom ceiling, and where she had obtained glow in the dark chalk.  
"Yep!" was the chipper reply, accompanied by a kiss on the cheek before she settled into Lexa's side.  
"Ok."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I live for comments! They also get you more chapters, and faster updates. :p


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes you just act.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Now I see_   
>  _I see it for the first time_   
>  _There is no crime in being kind_   
>  _Not everyone is out to screw you over_   
>  _maybe yeah, just maybe_   
>  _they just want to get to know you._

Lexa woke to a note in the place where Clarke’s head should have been. Shaking sleep off in seconds she sat up and worked to make her eyes focus on the writing.

“ Babe,  
You said you wouldn’t remember so this is me reminding you that I got a call really early and have to go into work, so don’t freak out. I shouldn’t be gone long, so please make yourself at home. There’s coffee in the kitchen for you and you can borrow anything from the closet until your suitcase shows up. I’ll call if I get a chance. Our client is an absolute ass so I’m sure whatever he needs is just some stupid excuse to waste our time. I’ll tell you about it later.  
Love you Lex,  
Clarke xxx”

Lexa smiled at the x’s at the bottom of the paper, vaguely remembering Clarke pressing three gentle kisses onto her cheek earlier. Though she had thought that was a dream at the time. The five am phone call started to come back to her, dragging the real memory out of the fog of dreams. The phone had woken her on the first ring and she had reached over Clarke to retrieve her cell phone from the opposite nightstand. The screen had shown a picture of the Jupiter & Arc Law Firm's logo, and the contact name "HELL".  
Lexa would have loved to let Clarke sleep, but she figured that a five o’clock phone call from her office was probably important, so she nudged Clarke gently until she groaned awake and Lexa held the phone out to her. Clarke had taken the phone with a curse and flung herself out of bed, leaving Lexa to admire her as she paced the room in the dawn light, listening to someone on the other end. Lexa remembered her dressing and pulling her hair up, but not what she had said or if they had talked at all. She knew she had a tendency to forget waking up if she fell back asleep soon enough, and must have warned Clarke to leave her a note.

Getting out of bed, Lexa’s first instinct was to grab her Cammies from her bag sitting on Clarke’s dresser, but Clarke’s rule echoed in her head as she pulled them out and she turned to the closet to find something of Clarke’s instead. She settled on novelty “Stanford” sweats, an oversized pullover and one of her own plain grey shirts. Military issue, but it wasn’t branded, so she decided Clarke wouldn't mind. She pulled her gear necklace out from where it was tucked away in her bag, she was never comfortable checking it, and clasped the chain around her neck. She always had to have one or the other, tags or the gear, but she always kept the latter with her, even when she had to wear the dog tags instead. _'The shrink will probably have something to say about that.'_ Lexa thought as she realized how uncomfortable she felt without either her military identification, or her ex girlfriend's pendant on her sister's chain. 

Coffee was a good distraction. Being alone in Clarke's home was strange and Lexa kept arguing with herself whether or not is was ok to look around as she wandered around, familiarizing herself with the apartment. Starting on her second cup she decided to unpack her backpack, folding and neatly putting away her now non-essential uniforms and gear in a corner of Clarke's closet. Morning dragged into afternoon with no word from Clarke, and Lexa found herself unimaginably bored. Normally free time was code for get paperwork done, or hit the gym again, but she had no orders, no requisitions to file, and was reluctant to leave the house for a run in case Clarke returned while she was gone. So she sat and waited. 

There was a knock at the door and Lexa jumped to answer it, eager to be reunited with her suitcase. The man she found on the other side did not have her missing bag however.  
"Can I help you? Clarke isn't home right now." Was all she could think to say as he stared at her, blinking like he couldn't believe she was real, or didn't want to.  
"That's mine." He said after a moment, stepping forward suddenly forcing her back a half step.  
"Excuse-"  
He cut her off stepping forward again, passing through the door into the apartment.  
"The sweatshirt. It's mine. I gave it to Clarke!" His eyes were suddenly furious and he raised a hand to jab an accusatory finger into her shoulder. In two seconds he was bent double in pain, Lexa twisting his palm up and digging her thumb into the weak point in his wrist.  
"Don't." She said, voice steady and low. He looked up at her eyes wide, unable to understand how he had gotten into this situation so suddenly. Lexa stepped forward, keeping the distance between them from his wrist, forcing him to step back out the open door.  
"You must be Wells." She said, voice still flat and even, an almost predatory tone rising underneath.  
"The way I understand it, you're a friend of Clarke's. So I'm not going to break your wrist," Fear spread across his face, only realizing when she said that she wouldn't that she easily could have.  
"But whatever this misplaced hero complex you have is, it's going to stop. If you think you're going to win her over by barging in to her apartment and starting fights with the company she's keeping you don't know her at all." She brought his wrist up at a sharper angle as she spoke, the stretch and pressure making him cave at the knees until he was almost in a crouch. 

"Lexa!" A car door slammed from the car port in front of the building and Clarke ran up, panic showing in her eyes.  
"Lexa, baby, let Wells go please. He's my friend remember, this is just a misunderstanding." Clarke had had to talk Lexa out of a post traumatic flashback once during a video chat and knew to try to keep her calm and bring her back to the present.  
Lexa dropped her captive's hand and he stumbled back cradling the bruised appendage.  
"What the hell Clarke?!" He shouted, confused. Clarke silenced him with a short wave of her hand, not taking her eyes off of Lexa's.  
"It's not what you think. I'm not there Clarke. I'm ok. He barged in and tried to start a fight, it's just instinct." Lexa said softly, wrapping her voice musically around Clarke's name. Clarke snapped her head back toward Wells, hearing her Lexa, not the marine Lexa and knowing she was ok.  
"What the actual fuck Wells?!" She rounded on him, more intimidating than Lexa had ever seen her.  
"Who the hell is she?" He asked frantically, backing toward his own door.  
"Does it matter? I have a guest and you come over to pick a fight when I'm clearly not home?! What is wrong with you?" She stopped between him and Lexa, unsure of which she was protecting, but feeling better having them separated.  
"Lexa is my girlfriend Wells." She calmed slightly, taking a deep breath before speaking again.  
"But that's not even remotely the point, where do you get off coming over to, what? Snoop? You're my friend, you're not my keeper. I know you saw my car wasn't here, so what made you think it was ok to come bother my guest?"  
"Girlfriend?" Wells stumbled onto his own front steps and sunk down onto them, processing that information, putting the pieces together.  
"Clarke, I didn't, you never told me. I thought...." He trailed off looking between the two of them.  
"Thought what? That you would bully whoever I'm sleeping with now because the person I was sleeping with used to be you? Thought that you were entitled to know about my love life? You and me, it was fun. That's all it was for me though, and you've made it so awkward not being able to accept that. I get it, you fell and I didn't and I'm sorry that's the way it happened. But it's been nine months, and this is an extreme way of trying to cope Wells."  
"Clarke," Lexa stepped forward and put a hand on Clarke's shaking shoulder to calm her.  
"Let him think. Let's go inside. Maybe after everyone has cooled down we can have Wells over for dinner and talk like adults? Ok?" Clarke took another deep breath, relaxing now and turning away from Wells, who scrambled into his own apartment with a small nod at the offer of dinner, knowing he really wasn't being given a choice.  
"I'm sorry you came home to that, I didn't want to scare you." Lexa said quietly, looping an arm around Clarke's waist and leading her back to her front door.  
"It's not your fault, I thought you were, you know."  
"I know, thank you for trying to talk me down all the same. It's probably a good habit to be in." She smiled weakly, knowing that was a bleak outlook.  
"Oh, your suitcase is in the car! They were holding it at the gate house." Clarke remembered as they were about to step back inside. Lexa fell back, letting Clarke go ahead of her.  
"I'll get it, be right in." 

"So what happened at work?" Lexa asked as she returned, dropping her suitcase at the base of the stairs. Clarke had thrown herself onto the sofa in the most ungraceful fashion and was staring at the ceiling like it owed her money. Lexa sat beside her and Clarke wiggled back to rest her head in her girlfriend's lap with a large sigh.  
"I told you the guy was an asshat right?"  
Lexa nodded.  
"Well, said asshat decided to break the restraining order against him, rob a convenience store and break all the windows of his ex-wife's car. While on three different controlled substances and an ungodly amount of alcohol."  
"People really are that stupid?" Lexa removed a hand from Clarke's hair where it had been playing to scratch her eyebrow in confusion and awe.  
"It gets better. We got the call to speak for him, and by the time we got to holding at the precinct, he'd tried to kill himself. Twice. I know this sounds cold, but why call your lawyers if you're just planning to kill yourself? I am not cut out for Defense, I need to go back to the prosecutor's office or I'm likely to kill him myself. All that and I'm expected to find him a plea deal with minimal jail time. He's a dirty, rotten, trust fund loser, paying us with Daddy's money and he deserves to go to prison. But I have to argue against great lawyers, who I agree with, to get this prick off easy. Because that's what I'm being paid to do." Clarke huffed indignantly, punching the back of the sofa wishing it was her client's face.  
Lexa whistled softly, unable to come up with words right away.  
"Get experience on both sides of the courtroom, she said. The DA internship doesn't pay near as much as a private firm, she said. Why do I listen to my mother Lex? I should know better by now." Clarke shifted her eyes to hold Lexa's, breaths deepening as she came down from her rant. 

"I do not know my love. I stopped listening to mine when I was ten. Look where that got me. But your mother had the right idea? For anyone else perhaps, but she made some valid points. You know I was skeptical when you left the DA's office. I guess Abby was probably more focused on student loans than your disposition for real justice."  
"Yeah, she had a point there. The money is great, but this shit is making me hostile. I almost threw my coffee on the client. The only reason I didn't was because I wanted to drink it and police station coffee is sludge."  
Lexa laughed at this, enjoying combing her fingers through Clarke's hair as she listened to her tense ranting, rather than being on the other side of a screen for a change.  
"Is it too late to get your old position back?" she asked, knowing no other way to be helpful.  
"I don't know. I'll call on Monday." Clarke sighed again.  
"I would not blame you if you wanted to just sleep for the rest of the evening. Just de-stress. We don't have to have Wells for dinner tonight if you're not up for it."  
"Oh shit, I already forgot about Wells."  
"It's OK Clarke, it's bad timing."  
"No, we need to settle it, there's no point in dragging everything out any more. He's my best friend out here. It's all so screwed up and I'm so mad at him right now, but he's my friend and I need him back. Does that even make sense?"  
"Perfect sense. Try not to be too mad at him though. Today was pretty fucked up, but people do stupid things for closure." Lexa touched her necklace, remembering her own strange coping mechanisms.

"Now who's being the shrink?" Clarke teased. Lexa rolled her eyes and extracted herself from the sofa, placing a pillow under Clarke's head where her legs had been.  
"I mean it. Friends are too hard to find, and too easy to lose. He cares about you, and if he's willing to let the past go, there's no reason you shouldn't do the same. That's an "if" of course, but I think he probably gets the point after today's, encounter." She held Clarke's eyes as she spoke, and Clarke could see the green in them go grey for a moment. _'Yet another thing she's haunted by.'_ she thought, wondering if she would ever know all of Lexa's secrets.  
"Can you invite him over for dinner in about an hour and a half? I'll get everything ready. I think I can scrape something together from what you've got lying around." Lexa smiled as Clarke nodded and sunk her head back into the pillow with a sigh  
"Tomorrow? Just the two of us ok?" Clarke called as Lexa walked back to the kitchen. "No satan law firm, no jealous neighbors, just us. Maybe we can go to the bay, or one of the nature preserves. I just need to get away from here." She hadn't realized how much stress she had been under until Lexa had come to relieve her of some of it, and the realization made her feel guilty. Lexa returned to her side in a moment, seemingly sensing the inner struggle Clarke was fighting.  
"Whatever you need, Clarke. That sounds beautiful. Getting away would probably do us both some good." She bent and placed a gentle kiss on her forehead before straightening and playfully tapping the same spot lightly with the wooden spoon she had grabbed from the kitchen.  
"Don't worry so much. You are allowed to have your own problems."

-

The knock came exactly one hour and thirty minutes after Clarke had pushed send on her invite to Wells.  
"He's prompt." Lexa commented, wiping her hands dry before joining Clarke by the door. Clarke looked up at her and brushed the seasoning from her cheek with a small laugh.  
"How did you manage to get pepper on your face?"  
Lexa shrugged, just as confused.  
"Answer the door." She chided, stepping back to leave Clarke closest to the door.  
She stepped forward and turned the bolt and then the knob, ushering Wells inside with a sweeping gesture.  
"Hey." Was all she could manage, unable to really look at him. In the last hour and a half Clarke had spent all the time she wasn’t poking over Lexa’s shoulder to watch her cook, thinking about how she’d been so angry with Wells for something that she could have easily fixed, by just talking to him.  
Wells offered a bottle of wine as he stepped inside, shutting the door behind him, and Lexa had to nudge Clarke to take it and bring her eyes off of her bare feet.

"I'm sorry for the way I've been acting Clarke.” Wells started as she took the bottle from him, tucking it under her arm to fiddle with her hands.  
“You're right, I've made it weird, and I had no right to barge in the way I did. I wasn't thinking. I mean, had I known you were dating a Terminator, I probably would have at least given it a few minutes of thought." He paused, grimacing at the edge of the hole he was working on digging himself. "Sorry. I obviously don't handle things well, even apologies apparently. Can you forgive me?" He asked turning to Lexa, the sincerity in his voice apparent despite the joke and nervous laughter.  
"Well, seeing as I'm the acting president of the 'not handling things well' club, I can let it slide this once. But, 'terminator'? Really?" Lexa rolled her eyes, actually loving the comparison.  
"Have you been on the receiving end of your vice grip? I'm completely ok with saying that I was terrified. It's possible I had to change my shorts." He had a natural talent for diffusing a situation with comedy and it did not miss its mark here.  
"Wells!" Clarke scolded, snapping out of her self pity and embarrassment. But Lexa was laughing, happy to know she hadn’t made an enemy of Clarke’s best friend.  
"Well now you know to keep your hands away from Terminators and Marines. Shall we start over? I'm Lexa." She extended a hand. Wells looked at it cautiously and waited for her to laugh before gripping it in a firm handshake.  
"Wells." He smiled gratefully, glad his hand was released and that they were able to put this afternoon's disaster behind them.  
"A Marine, good cover. But also a terminator right?"  
"I can neither confirm nor deny." Lexa smirked, playing along for the simple joy of seeing Clarke's 'so done' expression.  
"Ok nerds, now that we're all friends again, dinner?"  
"Yes please, wait, did you cook?" Wells joked, earning another glare from his neighbor.  
"Lexa did. Lucky for you." She rolled her eyes at him and turned toward the kitchen, following Lexa who was already a few steps ahead of her. 

"Clarke?" Wells stopped her with a quiet question. She turned back to face him.  
"Are we ok? You really haven’t said much."  
"Yes Wells, we're ok. I owe you an apology too. I should have talked to you, tried to explain better, but I didn't and I let you hurt all this time because I was too- scared? To talk about it. I'm sorry. Let's just try to go back to how it used to be, alright? I need you to be my friend. It's been lonely without you. Can you forgive me?"  
"I can do that, it's already done. But, do you think you can maybe rearrange your bedroom? Headboard on wall is a pretty distinctive sound, and it's just not neighborly."  
Clarke cuffed him on the shoulder and walked away shaking her head with a sigh.  
"It's distracting!" He called, jogging a few steps to join her and Lexa in the kitchen. “I have papers to grade!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Unfortunately, this is mostly a filler chapter, the next will be fluff, then angst, then maybe fluff again.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Onwards and Upwards

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _We missed our mark_   
>  _We were denied the part_   
>  _We had too much heart and not enough of a spark_   
>  _Every day I wonder what it would have been like_   
>  _To be a part of your world_   
>  _And be the love of your life._

"No." Lexa whispered under her breath in awe.  
"What?" Clarke turned the music down, keeping one hand on the wheel, eyes darting between the road and her girlfriend in the passenger seat. Lexa turned the knob back to its original volume, plus a couple notches.  
"I know this song. Who's singing this?" she started tapping her foot to the familiar beat, hands twitching in a small drumming motion, remembering how to play it.  
Clarke just looked at her for a moment, constantly surprised when the old Lexa broke through, which happened more and more, and she suspected, would never be an unwelcome sight.  
"It's a local band, Criminal Dropship. They do mostly covers, I wasn't sure if this one was, but if you know it..."   
"It's old. Remember that road trip I told you about? The one Anya took me and Lincoln on before she-" _'she died'_ she couldn't finish. Clarke just nodded, knowing not to push the subject of Anya.   
"Save and Continue. That was the band. They were Tia's favorite." she paused as the chorus came on, lips moving along with the words.

_"We missed our mark, we were denied the part. We had too much heart and not enough of a spark. Every day I wonder what it would have been like to be a part of your world and be the love of your life."_

"She was always reading deeper into the music than I think even the artists did." Lexa continued with a small laugh, gazing out the window as they left the city behind and remembering Costia's late night monologues about the music they'd heard that night.  
"Do you want me to change it?" Clarke asked. Lexa had told her about her first girlfriend, and how they had lost contact when she had left for military school and Costia had been sent to a christian boarding school. Part of her was jealous that Costia could still bring that smile to Lexa's lips, the one where one corner of her mouth led the other up and then spread to her whole face, making her appear softer and so much younger, untroubled.   
"No, please. Sorry. First loves aren't exactly a great date topic. But this song, it's just ironic that you have it."  
"How so?"   
"It's a song that I heard on tour when I was fourteen, and ten years later, we're listening to it in the car, covered by a local indie band. Something from before my life fell apart coming back to me when I'm trying to put it back together."   
Lexa laughed, reaching for Clarke's free hand resting on the center console.  
"I know that look. You're overthinking." Lexa chided, giving Clarke's hand a squeeze.  
"Do you miss her?" Clarke said quietly as the song faded.   
"Costia?" she paused, thinking for a moment to get the words right. "I miss the idea of her I think. I miss who I got to be with her, and that trip and the stupid things we did, they're good memories. But no, I don't really miss her anymore. Ten years changes a person, Military or no. Costia and I weren't meant to stay together. If we'd tried to... Maybe the Marines wasn't the right choice, but at least I've done something positive with my life. I'm not sure that would have happened if I'd stayed on that path with her. We we're kids on a once in a lifetime trip. We were crazy and reckless and there might have been some controlled substances involved, that's not who I am."  
"You, did drugs?"   
"I've told you this!" Lexa cried, exasperated but laughing. Clarke never believed her when she mentioned it.  
"I know, I just still can't wrap my head around it. It's hard to think of you as a crazy kid." Clarke teased, trying to picture a teenage Lexa, tripping on who knows what, running wild through the desert, trying to decipher hidden meanings of life in the music.

"I was the worst! Honestly, I probably wouldn't have grown out of it if I'd stayed in public school. That's a terrifying thought."  
"I don't know, the punk rocker thing works for you." Clarke looked at her from the corner of her eye, finding the turn off that would lead them to the state park.   
"I do miss the music. But I made some very bad hair decisions in that phase. Never again." She pulled her loose hair over her other shoulder.   
"Oh my god, I have to know! What was the worst?" Clarke exclaimed, having suffered through Lexa seeing all of her embarrassing childhood photos as she helped prepare for Octavia's wedding, she felt entitled to a little payback. Lexa cringed, regretting opening her mouth, but she obliged, knowing she'd be teased about it either way.   
"This mess?" she combed through her curls with her fingers. "It's out of control when it's long, it's worse short." she spread her hands around her head, demonstrating an afro shape. Clarke looked her in complete shock biting back a laugh,  
"What!? You've met my mother, how are you suprised?" Lexa laughed, she took very strongly after her father, but her mother's curls were stubborn.  
"Well that's all you really inherited, I'm still not convinced you weren't adopted." Clarke looked at her pointedly, trying to remain serious and failing, falling into giggles.   
"You haven't met my father." Lexa pointed out.  
"True. Tell me there is photographic evidence that you had a 'fro."  
"Fortunately no. Father freaked out and sent me to Mom to fix it. She had to perm it straight so it would try to lay flat, and I hated that, so I bleached it and dyed it bright green to spite her. And of course, Father lost it when I came home with straight green hair, so he made me dye it back natural but it was still greenish, so I had to go with shoe polish black. I wore a lot of bandanas that summer."  
Clarke was laughing hysterically as she found a parking space near the park ranger station.  
"How old were you?" she managed to ask between sucking in breaths as she calmed.  
"Twelve. The rebellion started early. Actually, Anya cut it, so it was really her fault. I liked the black, so I kept it for the next two years. That wasn't the best decision either." Lexa rolled her eyes as she stepped out of the car. Clarke moved to the trunk and pulled out their backpacks and a couple of water bottles.   
"Have you done this hike before?" Lexa asked as she accepted one of the bags and slug it over her shoulders.  
"This trail, no. I've done a few of the others in this park, but it's really no fun hiking alone, so I mostly just take the short trail to the lake to draw sometimes." Clarke tapped the pocket of her backpack where she'd stashed her sketchbook and pencils. Lexa smiled and turned around to take in the tall trees surrounding them. 

The coastal range redwoods were massive and reached into the sky so far that Lexa had to crane her neck back just to be able to squint up at them.   
"They're beautiful." She said in awe. None of the trees back east could compare.   
Clarke watched her turn, palms turned upward and stretched slightly out at her sides, head thrown back, taking in the wonders of the ancient trees and the sounds and smells of the forest. The sharp scent of pine and the sea air coming off the breeze that tossed her hair gently stirred Clarke's creativity and made her itch to draw, wanting to capture some of this moment. Lexa's normally reserved smile had broken into a grin that made Clarke's heart skip and she couldn't keep herself from reaching for her. She grabbed Lexa's hand and pulled her close, spinning her like a dance resting her free hand on her hip.  
"You're beautiful." Clarke murmured through her smile, hypnotized by the shine in Lexa's eyes.  
Lexa wrapped her arms around the back of Clarke's neck, laughing at the sudden change of dynamic though decidedly enjoying Clarke being the one to make the first move and letting her be surprised with flattery for a change. The ever changing flow between the two of them was one of her favorite things about Clarke. She didn't feel the need to be constantly in control and trusted Clarke to take the lead when she felt like it. Lexa pulled Clarke in for a kiss in response, scrunching her fingers into her hair, leaning into it more than she had intended,her normal control lost to the sea breeze. Clarke smiled into Lexa's lips, sensing how relaxed and happy she was through the closeness of their bodies.

A family van pulled into the lot, spitting gravel as it turned around, obviously at the wrong trail and looking for a more family friendly one. Clarke pulled away with a laugh, the moment spoiled and caught the disapproving look of the mother in the passenger side window. She waved gleefully at the children in the back with a big grin.   
"You're evil." Lexa laughed.  
"She can't protect her kids from the homosexuals forever, someone needs to give them a good impression of us. She's going to have a hard time explaining why the nice ladies in the parking lot are so bad now." Clarke argued playfully. "Changing the world, one bigoted family at a time."  
"Clarke, we're both bisexual." Lexa pointed out, for the sake or carrying on the banter.  
"Semantics, and she doesn't know that. Plus, do you really count?" Clarke countered, lightly shoving Lexa toward the trail.  
"Not acting on an impulse does not void the impulse, Clarke. I know what I like." She stepped onto the shaded path, scuffing loose pine needles toward Clarke as she jogged a few steps ahead to avoid retaliation.   
"Ok Commander Sass. The fact remains that you are really gay."  
"I'm not disputing that, how can I not be, look at my girlfriend." Lexa was grinning again, walking backwards to watch Clarke as she caught up. "And it's Captain, not Commander."   
"Oh no, The Sass Corp is a separate branch, and you are its Commander. They promote based on how far you can throw your shade, and how often you pick fights with lawyers knowing you'll lose." Clarke matched Lexa's pace and bumped her with a shoulder to drive her point home.  
"Whatever you say Major General Griffin." Lexa hip checked her quickly then turned her attention back to the giants that filled the woods around them. Clarke stumbled a few steps then recovered, reaching for Lexa's hand, taking the return of Lexa's look of wonder as a sign for a ceasefire. Lexa wove their fingers together, eyes searching the treetops, free hand brushing the giant ferns that lined the trail. 

They walked in silence for a time, simply enjoying the sounds of the wind in the trees and the birdsong it carried with it. Clarke could count on one hand the times she'd seen Lexa so relaxed and at peace, and she spent as much time studying her face as she did taking in the scenery.   
The trail narrowed and began to work its way up a steep hill, crossing it with switchbacks and weaving through the trees. As the climb got harder, Lexa's eyes brightened with the thrill of the challenge. Clarke laughed as Lexa had to help her up the last part of the slope, a particularly steep step.   
"I apparently need to get out of the library more."   
"You're doing pretty well really. This isn't an easy trail. It is fun though." Lexa stopped, looking back at their progress.The hill below them was dappled in the early afternoon sunlight that managed to filter through the branches above, making the greens and browns of the forest seem to glow. The trail they were following was thick with pine needles and crossed with mossy logs, set deep into the dirt as steps to make the climb easier.   
"I could live out here." she murmured, once again awestruck by the landscape around her.  
"Maybe find a less steep hill to live on yeah?" Clarke quipped as she wrapped an arm over her girlfriend's shoulders, leaning on her to catch her breath.  
"What you don't want to hike to the library every day?" Lexa tried to look as serious as possible, like the idea of not wanting to live on this hill offended her.  
"Oh, we're living out here? Lexa, are you asking me to move in with you?" Clarke laughed at the implication, but her heart skipped a beat or two. 

Her mind drew a picture of the two of them in a cabin in the middle of the forest. Of coming home from a stressful day at court to Lexa's relaxed smile and being able to breathe again. She saw herself following a trail out to the lake to draw, Lexa getting the horse she'd always talked about wanting and riding beside her, mind lost to the trees and birdsong.   
"Earth to Clarke." Lexa waved a hand in front of her face, looking comically concerned, pulling her away from their happy ending.  
"Did you hear anything I said? You were pretty far away, I'm not sure you get signal that far into space." She teased. Clarke blushed, hating to admit that she'd been ignoring Lexa, albeit, accidentally.   
"I'm sorry, I got caught up in - What were you saying?" She couldn't bring herself to share her thought, for fear that saying it out loud would make it disappear forever. Lexa laughed slightly at the deflection but let it slide.  
"I was saying that you would hate Quantico, but if I did have a house in the woods, that is exactly what I would be asking you." Lexa held her eyes so she knew when the words had clicked in Clarke's mind.  
"And what if I asked you?" Clarke smiled and leaned over to kiss Lexa's cheek then turned wordlessly and headed back up the trail, leaving the question to hang there. Lexa followed dutifully, wearing a small smile. In eight months they had never really discussed their futures, together or apart. It was almost an unspoken rule that it was a topic that they couldn't touch, that going there would most likely mean the end of what they had. talking about a future with someone you weren't sure you would ever see in person again was a pain that neither of them had wanted to experience. But now they were together, and all the times Lexa had bitten back the idea of having a life with Clarke were flooding back to her. This time she'd decided to let them through.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Therapy day one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Sometimes I think I’m crazy_   
>  _Other times I know I’m not_

**Patient name:** Alexandria Heda   **Rank:** Capt. USMC

**Diagnosis:** PTSD- psychosomatic stress       **Session:** 1- Monday- 6/22/2015           **Treatment:** Undetermined

 

  * Evasive, distrusting of Psychologists, typical veteran behavior.

  * Presents with night terrors, time and location disassociation

  * "Drowning in blood of F&F"

  * "Someone who doesn't believe in a cause shouldn't be sent to fight for it"

  * "Clarke"  - partner

  * Has lost someone close. Sibling?

  * Self identity crisis? Marine first, self second.

  * Does not see alternative to Corp.

  * Self Isolated - childhood trauma?  

  * Easily set off, very defensive




 

 

* * *

 

  
  


"So how do we do this?" Lexa sat in the offered armchair, keeping herself straight and at attention.

"Well, I'd like to get to know you some, help you relax here with me, and then we can talk about what's bothering you." Dr. Talbot was a petite woman who clearly spent much of her income on fad diets and gym memberships. Lexa could read the sincerity in her voice, but also knew that this was a well rehearsed line, given to every veteran who sat in this chair.

"Get to know me." Lexa huffed a indignant sigh.

"I was a messed up kid, and then I was a Marine. And now I'm not. because I've killed people, and been tortured and ransomed, and my nightmares wake me up screaming and drowning in the blood of my friends and loved ones. That’s me, doc. The only thing that's bothering me is that I have to be here, telling you all this, just so I can go back and do it all again because I don't know what else to do with my life. Can we skip the crap and jump to the part where you tell me how to make this go away?"

 

"Do you think you're the only Marine that's come in here and not wanted to talk to me? You're not. And you're not going to be the last. Here's how this works. I am the only thing standing between you and active duty, and the longer you evade help, the longer you'll be out of the service. Too long on psych leave and you'll be permanently discharged. So what is it going to be Captain? Are you going to fight me the whole way, or are you going to give me what I need to help you?" Talbot seemed suddenly larger, bristling with the controlled rage only a seasoned teacher or drill sergeant could manage. Lexa could only nod, agreeing and acknowledging the respect she had found for the woman. Talbot returned the nod and relaxed back into her chair.

"You're having doubts about remaining with the Corp." She prompted gently. Lexa sighed.

"How many of your patents successfully return to service without having to come back to you after their next deployment?" She waited a heartbeat, knowing the statistic.

"I'm damaged goods, you can repackage it, but there's always going to be cracks. Living with this, it's hell. But going back knowing it'll only get worse, that's worse than the nightmares. And it's all for what? I'm not sure someone who doesn't believe in a cause should be sent to fight for it."

 

Talbot nodded again and scribbled something on her notepad.

"That sounds like a pretty solid reason to leave. But you don't want to?"

"What the hell would I do? I've never done anything else, and "sniper" isn't a great resume builder."

"What about local law enforcement?"

Lexa laughed at this. Clarke would hate that more than the military.

"Our house would be like living in an episode of Law and Order." Talbot leaned forward slightly.

"Our?" A raised eyebrow.

"The only place I could go, really, the only thing I have outside of the Corp is Clarke. Who is a lawyer. It would be pretty ridiculous to become a cop living with a lawyer." Lexa imagined that trading one uniform for another would not be something that Clarke would enjoy.

"You really think you only have this one person? No one else? Family, friends, no one else in the whole world to turn to? I find that hard to believe."

"Fine, my brother would be there for me if I left, but he's a newlywed starting his own family, I'm not going to put myself on him like that. And my mother? Her political career comes first. She wouldn't say that of course, but I would just be another tool in her campaign. And Father will be crossing me off the family tree when he finds out I'm even here. They don't know me, they can't understand what's happening, I'm not sure they want to. Clarke is the only one who is even willing to try to see past this shit I'm drowning in and find out who I am without the Marines. She's the only place I feel safe anymore." Lexa's voice rose in frustration, dropping to almost a whisper as she finished, almost ashamed of the admission.

"Well, I'm glad you have at least some form of support system. Though, I have to wonder if you're not going to be finding who you are with Clarke rather than finding yourself apart from the Marines." Lexa raised an eyebrow, not fully comprehending.

 

"It's just very telling to me that you wouldn't consider local law enforcement because your...partner?" She paused to clarify, Lexa only inclined her chin slightly and Talbot continued.

"Would disapprove."

"Is any of this going to make my nightmares go away? I'm pretty sure I'm not here for relationship counseling." Lexa snapped. The truth of the doctor's words cut deep and she didn't want to think about how she was hiding behind Clarke, hiding from having to be her own person without the backbone the military had given her to lean on all these years.

"Do you really believe that all this is post traumatic stress Alexandria? You said you were drowning in the blood of your friends and loved ones, but I suspect that isn't a large group of people, and I have to ask why that is. My best guess is that you pushed them all away a long time ago and haven't let anyone close since. You're afraid to lose them, so you keep them at arm's length. Are you telling me that those feelings only happened after Afghanistan? You were ordered to see me for post traumatic stress, but that's most definitely not the only thing you have to work on." Talbot was unflinching, tearing into each of Lexa's walls like they were paper. Lexa stood abruptly, ready to walk away and not look back, but it was not in her to surrender without a fight.

 

"Is that how you pay for the Lexus and the spray tan? Making up tragic backstories for your patients to keep them coming back longer? You don't know my past, you don't get to just pull facts you think are right out of thin air and tell me that I have something to work on." Lexa's control broke after her first sentence, leaving her yelling at a still unphased Doctor Talbot.

"Am I wrong?" Was all the response she got, quiet and collected, but pointed. Lexa turned away and flung the door open, stepping into the hospital hallway, startling a passing nurse.

“Fuck this.” She spat, turning toward the exit.

"Same time Wednesday Captain." The doctor called pleasantly as Lexa strode away.

 

-

 

Clarke was halfway down the stairs by the time the door swung open, hearing the key in the lock and leaving her books at her desk to welcome Lexa home. She closed the distance as Lexa nudged the door closed behind her. She played their conversation in the woods over again, as she'd been doing all day, deciding that she really could get used to Lexa walking through her front door every day. She wrapped her arms around Lexa's neck, placing a kiss on her cheek, but Lexa did not return the embrace. Sensing her discomfort, Clarke backed up a few steps, brow furrowing in worry.

"Lex, what's wrong? How did it go?" Lexa only shook her head slowly, keeping her eyes on her boots as she removed her jacket and hat.

"I need to go for a run." was the tight lipped reply as she slipped past Clarke and headed up the stairs. Clarke followed, bewildered.

"Lexa. What. Happened?" Clarke pushed, too concerned to be wary of pushing the wrong buttons as she normally was. Lexa stripped down to her sports bra, keeping her fatigues and boots. She fished a white tank top and a stopwatch from her suitcase and traded her tags for the watch's nylon cord.

"I'm going for a run Clarke. We'll talk when I get back." She passed her once again, descending the stairs back to the front door and pausing to hang her coat and hat back in the closet.

"No! You can't just brush me off like this Lexa!" Clarke reached for Lexa's arm, but she spun out of reach, eyes growing dark as she met her gaze for the first time since arriving home.

"I don't want to do or say something stupid Clarke. Don't fight me on this right now. I need to go. I'll be back in an hour." Lexa spoke low and soft, measuring each word to keep her tone even and calm, but Clarke could see the storm brewing behind her eyes and relented, reaching past her to open the door herself.

"Don't shut me out Lex." she whispered as she pulled back, pressing another kiss to her cheek, this one more to reassure herself than for any other reason. All she received in return was a stiff nod and the front door closing, leaving her alone once again.

"Well fuck."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shorter chapter this time, but I wanted to save the resolution of this for a fluffier chapter. Let me know what you think!


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nothing like a good make up(out)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Sign your name across my heart_   
>  _I want you to be my baby_

“I don’t know Wells, she just ran off. Literally.” Clarke paced the shared deck between their homes. Every time she reached the railing that overlooked the parking lot she paused, searching the lot and the spaces between the other buildings for Lexa.  
“Everyone has coping mechanisms Clarke. She said she didn’t want to do anything stupid, she must have just needed to clear her head. I’m sure it’s nothing.” Wells sighed, repeating himself for the hundredth time, sinking further into his chair.

“She’s never just blown me off before.”  
“Clarke. You’ve been under the same roof for three days. I know you said you’ve talked nearly every day since your sister’s wedding, but that’s still a lot of time that she’s had to keep things like this to herself. How would you know if she didn’t go running or to the gym or gun range or whatever before she called you every day?”  
“You’re using your teacher voice, I don’t like it.” Clarke reached the railing again, but stopped to lean on it, looking at her friend in defeat.  
“You don’t like it because I’m right.”  
“Ok, you’re right. You’re right. It just sucks. I can’t do anything to help.” Clarke sighed, sinking to the floor with her back against the barrier fence.  
"And I'm an ass. Making you listen to me go on about Lexa after all that I put you through."  
"You didn't put me through anything Clarke. And I'm your friend, with nine months of being selfish and not listening to you to make up for."  
"Wells..."  
"Don't even argue. She makes you happy, I've seen that. Watching the two of you in the same room is blinding. No one could ever say you weren't meant for each other, seeing you like that. I love you Clarke, that will never change, but that happiness is what I want for you, I'm done trying to get in the way of that. So I'm going to be your friend and we're going to figure out how you're going to learn how cope with this part of Lexa." Clarke watched him as he delivered his speech, calm, serious and completely honest, and when he sat back in his chair and raised his eyebrows in an expression that could only mean "moving on, what are we going to do", Clarke could only smile in admiration. 

"You're a saint Wells Jaha. Really, I don't know what I'd do without you."  
"I don't know about a saint... Maybe a god?" Wells smirked and Clarke rolled her eyes.  
"Easy, Ego." She groaned, pushing herself to her feet.  
"Hey! There's your girl." Wells interrupted whatever sass Clarke had intended to throw his way, spotting Lexa crossing the parking lot at a slow cool down jog. Clarke whirled toward the door, wanting to run to Lexa the moment she saw her. Wells stood and held her back.  
"Let her come to you Clarke."  
"I hate walking on eggshells like this." She hissed, keeping her voice low so Lexa wouldn't hear from below.  
"Suck it up princess." Wells thumped her shoulder, keeping his hand there to prevent her from making any impulsive moves.  
"Clarke?" The tone of the question was one of concern rather than inquiry. Lexa had reached the end of the lot and stood in an empty parking space, looking up at the balcony. Her hair had fallen out of its bun and stray curls stuck to her neck and shoulders from the remaining ponytail, sticky with sweat. Clarke could tell she'd pushed herself hard from the dry quality of her voice and the way her shirt was plastered to her muscled figure, more transparent than white. _"Is she always going to be this terrifyingly intense and unbelievably hot at the same time?"_ Clarke thought before she could think of the best way to answer Lexa's unasked question. If she was alright. She decided quickly that she would be ok if that were the case for the rest of her life, and stepped back to the railing, leaning forward on it to meet Lexa's imploring eyes.  
Her lips drew themselves into a small reassuring smile almost involuntarily. When Lexa's own face mirrored hers, Clarke knew they would be okay. 

"Do you feel better?" She asked, reminding herself of her mother asking her if the aspirin had kicked in, or if the ice helped her scraped knee as a child.  
"Yeah, I... I promised we'd talk. Would you mind if I showered first?" Lexa cleared her throat, stopping herself from spilling the collection of apologies and reasons that she'd gathered over the last ten miles, in a parking lot, staring up at a balcony like some pathetic, sweat soaked Romeo. Clarke exhaled a small laugh.  
"Come inside babe" she said, smile filling her voice. Lexa nodded and went to the front door. Clarke waited until she was out of sight, under the deck, to turn and give Wells a quick hug in way of thanks, then headed inside herself. She sat at the top of the stairs, content with watching Lexa untie her boots and tuck them neatly away in the closet, giving her space until she decided she was ready. Lexa joined her on the top step, reaching for her hand as she sat. 

"I suppose I'm not off to a great start." she sighed, brushing the back of Clarke's hand with her lips and then her thumb, tracing lazy circles as she put together her next sentence.  
"It would seem that I have more buttons to press than I thought I did, and I think this Doctor found all of them."  
"What happened?"  
"She played 'Whack-a-Mole' with them." Lexa answered dryly.  
"Lex." Clarke scolded, wanting a straight answer.  
"It's like she could see right into me. It was awful. I hardly had to say a word and she seemed to already know everything I've been trying to hide from and not think about. And she was right. about most of it. Probably all of it." She conceded, staring at her socks.  
"And you freaked out?"  
"I bolted. I don't think I've ever run from anything that hard in my life."  
"But you have." Clarke said quietly. Lexa looked at her, perplexed.  
"All of that stuff you said she was right about? Whatever it is, you've been running from that for a long time." Clarke stood and pulled Lexa to her feet.  
"I'd hug you, but, well honestly babe, you are soaked." She laughed as Lexa rolled her eyes.  
"Uniform off, I'll get the shower started for you."  
"You're right, as usual." Lexa shook her head slowly, catching Clarke's smile as she walked to the bathroom. She followed, shedding her sweat soaked clothing as quickly as possible as she crossed the short distance. The air was cold on her skin through wet clothes, a stark contrast from the summer sun, and the idea of a hot shower was much more appealing than it had been outside. 

There was a hiss from the bathroom and Clarke yelped. Lexa appeared in the doorway a moment later to find Clarke glaring at the shower head like it was personally responsible for the deaths of a hundred puppies. Lexa could not contain her laughter. Clarke's t shirt was splashed, her hair hung dark and wet around her face and she was trying to wipe the water out of her eyes.  
"Did you fall in?" Lexa asked in the breaths between giggles. Clarke huffed at her.  
"It spits. I don't know how I forgot that it spits, but I did. Bad pipes or something." She grumbled, still glaring at the now normal stream of water. Lexa was struck with a sudden urge, intoxicated by the intense look on Clarke's face and closed the space between them, tugging the hem of her now soaked shirt at her hips from behind.  
"Well, since you're already wet...." She whispered in Clarke's ear, lips brushing skin ever so slightly. Clarke turned into Lexa's arms, stepping back for a second as she realized for the first time that her girlfriend was naked. She shook her head at Lexa's wicked grin, catching the none too subtle innuendo, and stepped closer again, pulling her shirt over her head in one quick motion.  
"Are you hinting at something?" She asked coyly cocking an eyebrow at the hungry look in Lexa's eyes.  
"Maybe I'm not done blowing off steam." Lexa gripped Clarke's hips, pulling her roughly against her bare skin. 

"Oh." Was all she could manage before Lexa's lips were on hers, heavy and needy. She returned the kisses quickly, each second building her desire and her urge to wrest control from Lexa and push her against the counter. She settled for wrapping her arms around Lexa's neck and digging her nails into her shoulders, innately understanding that Lexa needed the control right now. She received a deep throaty growl in response as she dragged her fingers down Lexa's muscled arms. Clarke was reluctant to break that contact, having found something as frustrating to Lexa as being out of control was to her, but she fumbled for the button of her jeans. Lexa shoved them down as soon as the catch was undone, moving her mouth to Clarke's neck and collarbones, her hands back up to pinch the clasp of her bra open.  
"Lexa?" Clarke breathed into the wild mess of curls at her throat. This was heavier and faster than they'd gone before and though it was exhilarating and intense, a voice in the back of her mind told her to make sure Lexa was ok. 

Lexa stepped back, breaking the contact so suddenly that Clarke felt as though her heart had stopped beating. Clarke searched her face for any sign of the shell shocked Marine and found none, seeing only her Lexa. She stepped to the side, making Lexa have to turn to continue facing her, and kept turning until Lexa's back was to the space left by the open shower door. Lexa allowed Clarke to force her back into the water, pulling it through her hair before tugging Clarke in with her. Clarke pulled the glass door closed and stepped into the water, bringing herself to press against Lexa again, resting their foreheads together as she held her for a quiet moment.  
"Are you done already?" Clarke asked, knowing the answer as Lexa's hands had begun to wander again, slowly, but determined. 

"Not even close." Lexa nearly purred as she dipped her head down to kiss a rivulet of water away from Clarke's collarbone. Clarke curled a fist into Lexa's hair, dragging the nails of her other hand down her ribs digging in when she reached her hip. She was in no mood to start slow again and she wasn't going to let Lexa tease her now. The friction of Clarke's fingernails and the sting of hot water hitting fresh marks brought Lexa back to her passion, turning her kisses into nips and setting her wandering hands to more determined work. She broke away to push Clarke the few steps back into the tile wall and found her place against her a second later, like they had never separated. Clarke barely had time to gasp at the sudden cold against her back before she was surprised by the pressure of Lexa's hips grinding into hers, pinning her there. She bucked her own hips in return, desperate for more, and was rewarded by a firm palm pressed against the bone, thumb digging small patterns toward her center along the dip just below her stomach. Lexa's other hand was attentively worshipping Clarke's breast, pinching and rolling her tit hard before passing it to her mouth for her tongue to caress. Clarke arched into the warmth of Lexa's mouth, her mind lost to the motion of her tongue and the pull of her lips. She was dizzy, feeling her nerves tensing for a release and her voice came out as a low whine when she tried to cry out as it washed over her. Lexa smirked into her kisses as she worked her way down Clarke's stomach, matching the pace of her heaving breaths, allowing Clarke to bring her breathing back to normal as she sunk to her knees in front of her.

Lexa slipped a shoulder under Clarke's leg, lifting it to rest there before Clarke needed to shift her balance. Clarke's hands were in her hair, urging Lexa to where she was wanted but she rebelled, sucking a deep bruise into the soft curve of Clarke's thigh and pressing a thumb into the spot when she finally moved to comply with the pull of her needy hands. Clarke was biting back whimpers, afraid that Lexa would take her cries of pleasure for sounds of distress, not wanting her to stop and desperately needing her to continue. She could not hold back her gasping moan as Lexa's tongue suddenly found its mark, parting her and dipping into her so quickly she wasn't sure it had even happened before it was gone again. Lexa traced her lips softly with her free hand, keeping a firm grip on the mark she'd left and Clarke's ass with the other. The mix of digging nails and bruises and gentle caresses made Clarke twitch, bucking her hips again pressing against Lexa's strong jaw and soft lips. She whined again, higher and more urgent, and Lexa heeded her unspoken request. She dipped her tongue back into the warmth of Clarke's center, replacing it with one teasing finger as she drew it up slowly to the tip of her clit and over in a quick flick. Another stroke brought another finger, and again, until Lexa felt Clarke tense, muscles pulling her fingers in a rhythm which she matched quickly. She set her mouth to its own task, sucking at Clarke's clit, pulling it past her lips to the tip of her tongue. Keeping rhythm with her fingers Lexa alternated between the lightest of flicks and grinding circles, finding Clarke as partial to one as the other, setting a pattern in time with the rocking of Clarke's hips, getting faster as she built toward her climax. 

Finding herself close to her own orgasm, feeding off of Clarke's energy alone, Lexa released her hold on the blooming purple bruise at the joint of Clarke's thigh and moved her fingers to her own clit. Quick hard circles right at the most sensitive top almost made her lose her place in her pattern, but Clarke's tightening grip on her hair brought her back. She pushed them both over the edge, timing the final hard flat strokes of Clarke's clit with the curling of her fingers and her own heat. They came together, Clarke riding out her orgasm on Lexa's fingers, Lexa's shuddering breaths delivered to Clarke's parted lips and the flood that came from them. Clarke's release was not quiet, a hissed expletive quickly escalated to indiscernible moans that drowned out the sound of water hitting the tiled floor. Lexa's own low hum as she hit her climax sent vibrations through Clarke, intensifying as they reached her sensitive clit, drawing her cries back down to whispers of her lover's name.

Lexa rocked back, freeing herself, to sit in the stream of water, neglected long enough to be losing its heat. She rubbed the tile marks from her knees and tilted her head back to let the water rinse her of Clarke's wetness. Clarke slid to the floor, pulling herself weakly to sit at Lexa's side to rest her head on her shoulder.  
"Thank you." Clarke murmured, cutting off Lexa's "I'm sorry." at the same time. Clarke lifted her head and leaned back on her hands, giving Lexa an incredulous look.  
"Not exactly what you're supposed to say after mind blowing sex, babe." She snarked, arching an eyebrow. Lexa sighed, laughing ever so slightly at her timing, realizing how silly it sounded.  
"I know, I just, I shouldn't have bailed like I did earlier. Storming out on the doctor is one thing, but you,"  
"Quit. You did what you had to do for you Lexa, you're forgiven. For running off. Not for ruining a perfect post-coital moment." Clarke grinned, pushing herself to her feet and reaching to pull Lexa up beside her.  
"You get to take the rest of this cold shower by yourself now." She declared, making sure she was thoroughly rinsed before stepping out of the shower, leaving Lexa with a whisper of a kiss. Lexa trained her best puppy dog eyes on her as she closed the door behind her pulling a laugh and another grin from Clarke. She shook her head, properly scolded, and went about scrubbing her late afternoon run away, racing the cold water. 

Clarke was waiting with a towel when she was finished, Lexa took it gratefully, wringing her hair and scrunching it into loose twist before drying the rest of herself.  
"How does pizza sound for dinner?" Clarke asked, combing her own hair as she wandered to the closet to find dry clothes.  
"I don't know, I just ate." Lexa only barely kept her smirk from reaching her voice and it took a moment before Clarke leaned back around the doorway to glare at her.  
"Lexa!"  
"The opportunity was right there, I had no choice!"  
"You always have a choice to leave a bad joke alone. And you never do." Clarke shook her head, securing a new bra and pulling a clean shirt over her head.  
"And somehow you're still surprised every time."  
"Eight months, you'd think I'd learn."  
"Yeah, one would think." Lexa laughed, finding her own clothes from the neat stacks in her suitcase. "Did you call the DA?" She asked over her shoulder.  
Clarke cringed, remembering the promise she'd neglected all day.  
"Maybe?" She tried, making herself look as innocent as possible. Lexa scowled but her eyes were laughing.  
"Remind me how you convinced me to get out of bed this morning? Something about calling to get your old job back if I went to the doctor?"  
"I thought it was the waffles"  
"Clarke."  
"Ok, I'll call. But first, pizza. I probably owe Wells dinner too, I kinda freaked out on him." Clarke said sheepishly.  
"Then, it's me that owes him a pizza, that was my fault." Lexa sighed, sitting on the bed. Clarke flopped down next to her and rested her head in her lap, smiling up at her.  
"It wasn't. But if you want to go invite him over you can. He's probably sick of me showing up at his bedroom door." 

"You know that's weird right? You have front doors." Lexa curled a strand of Clarke's hair around her finger, teasing playfully.  
"That requires going downstairs and neither of us are ever downstairs, it's just easier to use the deck as a go between."  
"It's still weird." Lexa laughed, scooting herself out from under Clarke's head.  
"You're weird." Clarke pouted, unable to think of a good comeback, she settled for childish, knowing it would make Lexa laugh. She wasn't wrong and received a light slap on the knee as Lexa crossed the room to the patio door.  
"I'll go be the creep at your neighbor's bedroom door, you order the pizza."  
"Super veggie, hold the mushrooms, extra cheese?" Clarke asked, proud of herself for remembering, when they'd spent hours asking each others favorites months ago.  
"Thats the one." Lexa smiled and stepped out onto the patio as Clarke went to dig for her long neglected phone in her pile of papers and textbooks.

Lexa knocked on the door to Wells' upstairs bedroom awkwardly, still finding the whole thing more than a little strange.  
"Come on in Clarke." Was the muffled response through the wood. Lexa shrugged to herself and turned the knob.  
"It's Lexa." she announced, coming out of the narrow hallway into the large room, finding Wells with his back turned, focused on a pile of papers he seemed to be grading. He turned his chair abruptly, dropping his red pen to the floor. He composed himself quickly, recovering with a genuine smile.  
"Hey! You feeling better now?" he asked and the quirk of his eyebrow told Lexa that the wall between the two houses was thinner than she'd thought and he'd once again heard them.  
"So much." She replied smoothly, raising and lowering her own brows to signify her understanding.  
"Clarke wanted me to invite you over for pizza. A 'sorry for freaking out over my jerk girlfriend' offering. Between you and me though, it's my 'sorry we're so loud' gift." They both laughed, Wells shaking his head in mock shame.  
Yeah, I'll take both of those. Just text me when the pizza shows up, I'm gonna try to finish these papers for these little idiots"  
"Sounds good. See you in a bit." Lexa turned and let herself out, smiling to herself at how normal this all felt. She considered Clarke's offer again. Moving to California, leaving Quantico, getting to live a quiet domestic life with Clarke complete with nature hikes and pizza with the neighbors. It was tempting. But then, what if Doctor Talbot was right? She shook the thought from her head, deciding to not make a decision yet and stepped back into Clarke's bedroom. 

Lexa found Clarke sitting in the center of her bed, staring nervously at her phone, passing it between her hands like it was too heavy to hold for long.  
"Did the pizza place burn down?" Lexa asked gently, sliding across the bed to sit in front of her, holding her knees. Clarke looked absolutely mortified and Lexa decided that humor might not have been the best approach.  
"My mom called. Six times."  
"Oh... What did she want?"  
"She didn't leave a voicemail. I'm scared to call her back." Clarke looked at Lexa, chewing her lip. Before Lexa could reply the phone rang. Clarke turned it over in her hand and studied the picture on the screen. "MOM"  
"Lucky number seven." Lexa murmured, scootching to Clarke's side to wrap an arm protectively around her. Clarke glanced at her and then back at the still buzzing phone waiting for Lexa's encouraging nod before answering the call.  
"Hey Mom."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay cliff hangers!  
> Hope you all enjoyed! I love your comments, keep 'em comin'


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> part two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _We'll love and We'll hate_   
>  _We'll toast to our fate_   
>  _We will dance to a brand new beat_   
>  _And share a passion that never sleeps_   
>  _As tears come to pass_   
>  _That our memories outlast_   
>  _We don't have to lay down but_   
>  _We'll just grab the bags and I'll get the wheel_

"Hey Mom."  
Clarke slid her finger from the answer key to the speaker icon so she wouldn't have to face whatever was coming alone, and set the phone to rest on her and Lexa's knees.  
"Clarke. Finally you answer! I've been trying to call you for the last two hours, where have you been?" Abby's original concern was clearly not as great as informing her daughter that she needed to have her phone at all times. Clarke blinked, still worried at what could have caused her mother to need to get a hold of her so urgently, but slightly annoyed that she was being scolded like a teenager out past curfew.  
"Mom. I'm sorry, I was studying and I left the phone under some papers and I had to deal with this thing with Lexa, and I didn't find my phone until we were going to order pizza. It's just been a little crazy. Did something happen? Is everything ok?" Clarke tried to explain as thoroughly and quickly as possible so she could move her mother back to the point. Unfortunately, Abby was in the mood to win an argument, even if she had to start it herself.  
"Lexa is deployed, Clarke. You said she wouldn't be able to talk to you for at least two weeks, and I don't think you and Wells would be ordering pizza if something had happened to her. So what are you hiding?"

Clarke just stared at her phone as if it had spontaneously grown tentacles, Her mother's memory and reasoning frighteningly sharp. She opened her mouth to explain, realizing that they hadn't spoken since before Lexa had arrived on her doorstep Friday night, but Lexa put her hand gently over the phone to stop her. She held the device up, closer to her mouth so her voice would come through clearer.  
"Hello Doctor Griffin. I was given leave, so I came to see Clarke. Her phone really was lost in the study pile, you know how many books she reads at once." Clarke gaped at how formal and charming Lexa could be at the same time, giving the most straightforward answer without any of the complicated details. there was stunned silence, nearly palpable, from the other end of the line as the elder Griffin recognized her voice.  
"Lexa?" She asked, not really needing confirmation, but unable to think of anything else to say, completely derailed.  
"Yeah, Lexa's here Mom. I'm sorry I didn't call sooner and tell you, it's just been really crazy the past few days like I said."  
"Is everything alright Abby?" Lexa asked cautiously, trying to steer Clarke's mother back to the point once again. There was a sigh on the other end of the line.

"Yes." Clarke could picture her pinching the bridge of her nose. "I was just trying to confirm the dates and times for my visit and tell you that Raven has decided to come along this year. I assumed you'd forgotten my visit next week"  
"Oh shit! That's next week?! Its already almost July? Oh god, the Bar. I'm gonna die." Clarke jumped from one panic to the next in seconds, remembering now that her mother's annual 'fourth of July' visit fell only three weeks before her Bar exam.  
"Breathe, Clarke. You've got this." Lexa squeezed her shoulders, rubbing a hand over her arm in reassurance.  
"Right. Ok, I'm good."Clarke collected herself, remembering her mother again.  
"Sorry Mom, it's-"  
"It's been crazy. I understand. I can cancel our flight if it's too much stress right before the exam. I know you said you could handle it when we planned in October, but you already have company, and I'd hate to be a distraction. Raven will be disappointed, she's never gotten to come along for our Fouth tradition," Abby knew how Clarke's mind worked, almost better than Clarke herself, which is why she'd known to run the trip by her one last time before it was finalized. Clarke stopped her short.  
"Mom. It's fine. I have five weeks, and I'm not going to break a four year tradition because of a stupid test. I miss you, and Ray. It'll be great to see you. I need the distraction."

Lexa mocked a gasp.  
"I'm not distracting enough?!" She looked at Clarke, wounded eyes and pouty lip. Clarke laughed and shoved her.  
"You're going to be gone three days a week, who's going to keep me from going crazy while you're at the doctor?" Clarke's eyes widened as soon as the words were out of her mouth and Lexa's teasing smile dropped. Clarke covered her mouth with a hand, pulling it away to whisper "I'm sorry" as her mother reinserted herself in the conversation, not allowing herself to be forgotten for long.

"Doctor?" She asked pointedly. Lexa rolled her eyes to the ceiling, holding them there as she took a deep breath before responding.  
"With all due respect Abby, it's not something I'm comfortable discussing over the phone. But I will tell you everything next week over dinner. It will be lovely to see you again. Raven as well. I'll let you two catch up, if you'll excuse me." She slid off of the bed, her Marine formality bringing her stiff posture and stone face back with it. Clarke switched off the speaker and held the phone to her shoulder, eyes following Lexa across the room, filled with a mixture of panic and regret.  
"Lexa,"  
"Wells and I will order the pizza, talk to your mother." Her voice was still cold but her eyes had softened slightly. The stone cracked slightly as she turned one corner of her lip upward, just slightly.  
"It's ok Clarke." She nodded, sighing heavily, and headed out onto the deck to find Wells once again. Clarke stared after her until her mother's voice calling her name brought her back.

-

"Jaha! Quit jerking, I'm coming in." Lexa knocked at the door then twisted the knob, letting herself into the neighboring apartment.  
"I wasn't! Lexa, whats up?" Wells nearly jumped out of his chair, still grading papers where Lexa had left him only a short while before. Even to his untrained eye, something looked different about Lexa. A few seconds of thought and he recognized her posture and the set of her face from their first meeting and knew something was wrong. Lexa waved him off as he was about to press further, siting Abby's call as her reason for reappearing in his bedroom.  
"We're in charge of pizza ordering now, and then I'm raiding your Playstation games, and you better have something good." Lexa tried to relax a little, knowing it was stupid to be upset over Clarke's accidental slip up. Wells turned to his computer, pulling up the website and filling in his and Clarke's favorite orders, pushing his chair back to let Lexa fill in her own, in silence.

"So." he started finally.  
"What's your poison? Call of Duty? Assassins Creed? Skyrim?" Wells was good at defusing tense situation, Lexa had to give him that.  
"You know I'm a sniper right? I've shot enough people in real life, the video game simulation has kind of lost it's appeal. Do you have any racing games?" Lexa relaxed a little more, following Wells downstairs to his huge flat screen and gaming center.  
"You like cars?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.  
"I was deployed in Germany for ten months right out of Annapolis, and I had my Chevelle shipped over just so I could drive the Autobahn. Way too expensive, but completely worth it. I love cars." Lexa grabbed a controller and sank into an armchair.  
"Classic?" Wells asked, grabbing a disk and pressing buttons to set the system up.  
"1970 Chevelle SS 454." She confirmed. "My father got her for me when I graduated Academy and she was a heap. I spent all my free time through Annapolis restoring her in a storage garage. Didn't get the paint finished till just before I headed back stateside." Her car was one of the few things in her life that she could trust as a constant, one of the few things that she'd remained passionate about after losing Anya. She had learned her passion for classic american muscle from Costia, whose uncle had been a mechanic, but she had made it her own. Her muscles loosened as she spoke, the pride she took in her car forcing the negativity from her mind.  
"Seventy was the best year for the Chevelle, I'm a little jealous. I've always wanted to restore classic."

"What's you're number one?" Lexa asked, genuinely enjoying getting to talk about cars with someone. Clarke knew that they had four wheels, two pedals and an engine, but not much else.  
"Sixty-eight Shelby Mustang." Wells said immediately, eyes glazing as he brought up the mental image of the classic coup. Lexa nodded her approval as she set up her virtual vehicle, frowning at the limited engine options.  
"I would love to get my hands on a Shelby. If you ever find one, I'll help you work on her. That's a great car." Wells laughed, feeling oddly proud of a car he didn't own, just from Lexa's approval.  
"Yeah, if I could find one I could afford on a teacher's salary, it'll be a rusted chunk of scrap metal, beyond restoring. But it's a nice dream. Damn, you're good at this." Wells laughed as his car was slammed into a barricade and Lexa passed him and the other NPC car's wreckage, expertly maneuvering around it.  
"Hand eye coordination my friend." Lexa crooned, handily winning the race and selecting another. 

"Have you met Raven? She owns a garage that works on classics and all sorts of other things. anything with an engine, motor or gears really. She probably knows someone who could hook you up. If it's something you really want to do." Lexa had immediately liked Raven when they'd met before Octavia's wedding, but had never really had much of a chance to talk shop with her. She had bragged briefly about her car, but there had been so much going on that week, they hadn't gotten to go into much. Lexa looked forward to getting to have a more in depth conversation with Clarke's childhood friend.  
"You think? I've only met her over a skype call I happened to be present for, she seems pretty cool, but how would I even go about asking something like that?"  
"She's going to be here next week with Abby." Lexa smirked as she blew past Wells' car once again.  
"Oh. Octavia usually comes along for the big Fourth of July party. Not this year?"  
"I suspect she'll be in Delaware with my mother if she's not working. Newlyweds making new traditions and such. And mother will want to show off her son and his beautiful wife for her campaign." Her tone was cynical but she knew her mother meant well. She'd called shortly after Lexa told her about her upcoming deployment to ask if she would come to take some promotional shots with her in her dress blues before she left. Lexa had declined, but offered to visit for a social weekend instead. Indra had still had her sit for a few pictures in civies for campaign posters, but it had largely been a casual mother/daughter weekend. It was progress. 

"Wait, Lincoln is your brother?" Wells scrunched his nose trying to see the resemblance.  
"Half, but yeah. I know, no one believes it. My father's side is icelandic and australian. My sister is, was," she corrected herself, not used to speaking so candidly of Anya. "Half asian. We were an odd group of kids." she chuckled slightly, imagining the looks her parents must have gotten when she was a baby.  
"The original Brangelina." Wells laughed. the comparison made Lexa join him, it was oddly similar. Wells dropped out of the game, letting Lexa challenge more difficult computer players, leaning back in his recliner to watch. 

"Lexa? Wells?" Clarke's voice accompanies the creak of the upstairs door, startling Lexa into missing a turn and flipping her car receiving a cutscene of her flaming vehicle spinning down a main boulevard into oncoming traffic.  
Lexa cursed in some foreign language that Wells couldn't identify, scowling at the flaming car as it reset.  
"Are you cursing in Arabic?" Clarke peaked down the stairs, following the foreign exclamations.  
Lexa calmed as soon as she saw Clarke's face, laughing as she realized she hadn't been speaking English.  
"It happens." She said smiling, all of her anger from before dissipated. "You pick it up over there."  
Clarke stepped cautiously into the gaming room, and Lexa paused the game to stand. She reached for Clarke, pulling her in a quick close hug and dropped them back into the recliner together.  
"I thought you were mad at me?" Clarke asked, concerned, but still laughing at the sudden sense of falling and being cradled in Lexa's arms.  
"I was, but I'm also stupid, so I decided not to be. There are more important things to be mad about than your mother finding out I have PTSD when she was going to find out anyway when she got here. Like this stupid GTO that keeps trying to run me off the road. Or Pontiac for making the GTO into some sort of bastard tuner sport coup." Lexa gestured at the screen, removing an arm from Clarke's waist for a moment.  
"Or" she continued lightly, "Anyone who thinks a classic Camero should be painted in a modern metallic rust orange." She raised her eyebrows, daring anyone to dispute the fact. Clarke was laughing by this point, too happy to have not lost the progress Lexa had made to becoming herself.  
"Did you get her talking about cars? She'll be stuck like this for hours, Wells, how could you!?" Clarke mocked an accusatory glare at her friend, twisting to sit less precariously in her girlfriend's lap.  
"He wants a Shelby. Can we keep him?" Lexa teased getting a patented Clarke Griffin eye roll in exchange. Clarke made a show of contemplating for a minute before replying.  
"Well, I guess he's better than a puppy, and he already has his own place to sleep.... Alright we can keep him."  
"I don't get a say in this?!" Wells exclaimed laughing.  
"No."  
"Nope."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> part two of an extra long chapter, sorry about the cliff hanger guys. :p


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Calling in a favor and carrying on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _don't know if someone else could handle me_   
>  _I don't know what I'm supposed to be_   
>  _You're the only one who really sees_   
>  _You get me_

"Lexa? Hey." Raven answered her phone, pulling herself out of the trench and rolling out from under the car she was working on.   
"Did I catch you at a bad time?" Lexa asked, hearing the clamor of wrenches hitting concrete and welders sparking in the background.  
"Nah, just a typical day at the office. I haven't heard from you in, well, ever really. I didn't think you'd kept my number." Raven went to her office and unstrapped her leg, massaging what was left of her knee.  
"Clarke is my girlfriend, Octavia is my sister-in-law, you're their best friend, you're pretty much family. Of course I kept your number. I've just mostly been using my time to talk to Clarke." Lexa chuckled. something that still shocked Raven despite Clarke having repeatedly told her how the Marine was coming out of her shell.   
"It helps that you're also a mechanic that might be able to help me get my hands on a sixty eight Shelby Mustang." Lexa tacked the none too subtle request on in a conspiratory tone.

"I see how it is. I'm your Classics dealer. Does Clarke know about your addiction Lexa?" Raven laughed, shooing a wandering employee out of her doorway. "Why the sudden request? Moms said we'd be seeing you in Cali next week. You already need a mancave project to retreat to? Is Clarke in crazy mode with the Bar exam coming up?"   
"It's not for me. Wells, Clarke's neighbor, I kinda almost broke his wrist. I feel like I should at least help him find what he's looking for, maybe help him fix it up while I'm out here if I can manage it. And yeah, a project would keep me from distracting Clarke from her review, she got nothing done yesterday despite my best efforts to keep her focused."  
"Keeping her focused on your tits doesn't help her pass the Bar, Lexa." Raven snarked, finding her sentence too easy to twist into the gutter. She could practically hear Lexa's eyes roll.   
"I'll ask around. See if any of my guys know anyone willing to part with one. I take it you're not trading the Chevelle?"  
"Ha! Over my dead body. You are not getting your hands on my baby." Lexa laughed. Raven had tried to talk her out of her car the first time she'd mentioned it, and at least three times more before the wedding weekend was over.   
"But I'll pay for the Shelby if you can find one."

"It's not a cheap car. You'd do that for a guy whose wrist you didn't break? What would you do if you had broken it? Which leads me to, how did this almost breaking occur?" Raven's wheels were turning.  
"That's a long story. But I'd pay for the Shelby just to get a chance to work on one. I have a stupid amount of reparation money from my last tour, and I'm getting paid for leave and not spending any of it, so why not. My Karma needs all the help it can get."  
Raven wanted to dig, wanted to pry all the juicy details about not breaking Wells' wrist and why the government was paying her so much (she was sure there was some conspiracy cover up involved) and what she was actually doing in California, from Lexa. But she bit her cheek and forced herself to swallow back the impulse to bombard her with all of her questions. She would wait until she could ask in person.

"Whatever you say. I'll let you know what I find."  
"Thank you Raven."   
"Yeah, yeah. Practically family right?" she paused, muffing the phone against her shoulder. "Hey I gotta go. Some idiot closed a jack on his hand.... like we need more amputees around here. Or a law suit." Raven muttered, hanging up before Lexa could respond. 

Lexa looked at her phone as the call disconnected with a small smile. The ambient noise of the garage had made her forget that she was sitting in the VA waiting room preparing herself for another nightmare session with Talbot. Putting the phone back into the chest pocket of her coat made her remember though. She hoped she would be able to keep her promise to Clarke and stay for the full three hours this time.

"Captain Heda?" The receptionist leaned through the window, searching the room and picking her out from the five or six other vets waiting for various appointments.   
"Doctor Talbot will see you now. Third door on the right."   
"Thank you, Maya." Lexa replied, remembering the girl's name from Monday when she'd handed her her paperwork.  
"Sorry about Monday by the way." She stopped in front of the window and looked down at the counter. The girl looked to be only just starting college, and Lexa hated the idea that she might have scared her, storming out the way she had.  
"Not a problem Captain. It happens all the time. And a lot worse. Don't worry about it." Maya gave her a warm smile and pressed the button that unlocked the door to the office wing, gesturing for Lexa to head in for her appointment.

 

 **Patient name:** Alexandria Heda **Rank:** Capt. USMC   
**Diagnosis:** PTSD- psychosomatic stress **Session:** 2 Wednesday **Treatment:** Undetermined  
Start with the present - work backwards

 

"Captain. Are we going to make it through our session today?" Talbot asked cheerily when Lexa entered, only the smallest hint of sarcasm on her voice.  
"Do your worst, Doc. I made a promise, I'm not backing out on that." Lexa sank into the offered armchair, dropping her stiff military posture, accepting defeat. Talbot only raised an eyebrow before nodding her acceptance and moving on.  
"How about we start with something easier? Explain your relationship with Clarke to me. Tell me why it's important to you. Tell me about Clarke."  
"That's easy?" Lexa looked up at Talbot from under the brim of her service cap. 

"Unless it's not. Can you not think of any reason why this relationship is important?"  
"I can." Lexa snapped defensively, straightening slightly. She sank again, realizing she had taken the bait.  
"It's just, that's kind of personal." she explained quietly.  
"Consider it a trust exercise. If you can't trust me to know something that is actively and outwardly affecting your life, how will you ever trust me to help you with what's going on in your mind and subconscious? We need to build a solid foundation to go from." The doctor assumed her own casual position, setting her clipboard aside and picking up her coffee. Lexa blinked. She had expected another attack, another full frontal assault to her mental capacities, not this reenactment of a casual talk over coffee and sandwiches. 

"Monday was all bullshit wasn't it?" Lexa asked, putting the pieces together.  
"Yes." Talbot tilted her head thoughtfully to one side. "A 'by the outdated psychology book' first session is a quick way to ascertain the best direction to go with a new patient. It's a little underhanded I'll admit, but because of Monday's session, I now know what to expect if you're pushed too far or I'm overstepping and we don't waste time pushing every button to try and find the problem. Does that make sense?"  
It made perfect sense. Lexa wished she'd been able to figure it out from the start instead of falling for the play, but she had to admire the doctor's tactic. She nodded, noting Talbot's small smile.  
"So. Clarke. Tell me about her."

Lexa started with the big things, how they met, what Clarke was studying,the wedding and how they'd been bridesmaids together for her sister-in-law. Talking came easier as Talbot interrupted less and less with small questions for clarification and the details came spilling out. Lexa found herself recounting the stories she had come to hold so dear. She told her how she had been studying Clarke's pictures before they met and been so intrigued that she was nervous to meet her, then seeing her at the airport and knowing right then that she was perfect. Talbot asked for an elaboration here, wanting to know what it was that Lexa saw to make her believe that. Lexa considered her words for a moment, still having to restart her sentence when she spoke.

"She just- no. Have you ever seen someone across a room and you can just barely catch their eye, and even that is enough to see all their wheels turning? Like you see them and even if they're just sipping their coffee, or looking for their best friend at the baggage claim, you can tell that they're mind is working on a thousand things at once. Like what to say or do when they meet the person they're looking for, or making sure they remember everything they've ever learned because they're never quite sure that they do."  
Talbot took in Lexa's answer, nodding slowly as she processed. Lexa continued.

"Clarke, she just, she has this presence. Even though she reads three books at once and could still beat you at chess while she's doing it, if you're lucky enough, and by some great cosmic accident I am so damn lucky, she gives that all to you at once. All of that focus and intensity and every piece of her soul. It's like every train is suddenly on the same track and they're suddenly all the same train and it's coming right for you. When you see someone like that, whose mind is always in a thousand places, focus so solely on one thing, on you..." She trailed off, remembering where she was and how disgustingly in love she sounded. 

"Okay." Talbot nodded seeming impressed.   
"Okay?" Lexa echoed.  
"A lot of times, someone going through your situation will... fixate, on something that makes them feel good, something to help them escape their situation. Sometimes it's a person or relationship, other times it's drugs or alcohol or even food or exercise, in excess. When you first mentioned Clarke, I worried that she was just one of these vices. That doesn't seem to be the case. It's good."  
Lexa took a breath, considering what to say next.   
"You know, out of everything, I was most worried about having to defend Clarke to you. Somehow that would make it, what she and I have, feel... cheap? I don't know, less real I guess. I don't think I could handle that. She really is what makes going on after the nightmares and the flashbacks and the bullshit, worth it. She doesn't look at me like I'm broken or weak or crazy. If all of that was just a, a bandage... Something that I was making up in my head, that would kill me I think"

"I understand. You seem to think very highly of her, even without the benefit you personally get from your relationship. I don't think anyone would be able to handle finding out someone they admired in such a way was a fake or just temporary very well." She cradled her coffee, rolling the paper cup between her palms, committing their conversation to memory so she could fill her notes in later. After a moment of watching Lexa study her own fingers in silence, she spoke again.   
"We have another hour and a half Captain, would you like to tell me about Afghanistan?"

-

LEXA:  
"Hey baby, I'm stopping at the VA gym before coming back."  
CLARKE:  
"Is everything ok!?"  
LEXA:  
"Everything went well, I just need to keep up with my fitness while I'm suspended."  
LEXA:  
"If I came home, we'd just sit and watch Netflix. I better get my workout in before I get distracted by a better option."  
CLARKE:  
" :D you said 'home'!"   
LEXA:   
"Yes. I will see you at home my love."  
CLARKE:  
"I love you Lex! See you soon :*"


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> much domestic, so Raven, wow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _I caught you burnin' photographs_   
>  _Like that could save you from your past_   
>  _History is like gravity_   
>  _It holds you down away from me_   
>  _You and me, we've both got sins_   
>  _I don't care about where you've been_   
>  _Don't be sad and don't explain_   
>  _This is where we start again_

"Do you ever think it's weird that I've known you mom and most of your extended family longer than I've known you?" Lexa asked, propping herself up on one elbow to gaze at Clarke, still snuggled under the sheets.   
"Do you ever wake up at a decent time?" Clarke muttered grumpily. Lexa glanced at the alarm clock on the bedside table.  
"Oh six hundred is a decent time. We could watch the sunrise over the mountains, we have time for showers and coffee and breakfast, and the crossword, before we have to go to the airport." She absently braided a small chunk of blonde hair as she spoke, keeping Clarke from falling asleep again with her hands in her hair. Clarke just groaned.  
"What are we? Eighty?"

"You love the crossword and you know it. You're always disappointed if you can't finish at least half of it before work or class."   
"It gets my brain started." Clarke defended. "But it is too early to get my brain started. Don't make me Lexa, I don't wanna."   
Lexa chuckled, leaning down to plant a light kiss at Clarke's hairline on the back of her neck.   
"If I hadn't cabbed from the airport, I'd go get them myself and let you sleep all day, but I don't know how to get there and back and we'd be lost for hours, and we'd miss the concert."  
"The concert is tomorrow." Clarke muttered into her pillow 

"Exactly." Lexa nodded even though Clarke's eyes were closed and buried in her pillow and sheets. "Lost forever. We'll have to settle in to the streets to survive, dance for dollars, live in a tent city. It's a bleak outlook. Even with the market cornered on amputees, doctors and mentally damaged Marines, it'll be hard to save enough to get us back to the good side of town. And then we'll have to find a functioning pay phone, and, is your number in the phonebook? I assume we'll have pawned our cellphones at this point, and no one will remember."  
Oh my god, stop!" Clarke cried, rolling to one side to face Lexa and shove her pillow into her face, silencing the tragic story that Lexa was spinning from thin air.   
"Rude" Lexa protested, muffled by the pillow.  
"You're talking. At six am. No." Clarke retorted sleepily, pulling her pillow back under her head and collapsing back into it.   
"Alright, you have until eight. I'm going for a run. We're leaving at oh nine thirty, remember? You wanted to pick up that gift certificate for your mom at the spa."  
Lexa climbed out of bed despite Clarke's muffled protests  
"I'm wearing cammies and boots and you can't stop me." Lexa pulled the uniform off a hanger in the closet, dressing quickly and heading downstairs before Clarke could argue. The 'no military' rule was hard to enforce when Lexa didn't really own much other exercise gear.

By the time the front door closed behind Lexa, Clarke was fully awake, much to her dismay. She sat up, deciding she might as well get something done. Lexa would have taken her long route, so she figured she had at least an hour and a half to herself. She started with her shower, knowing that if she waited for Lexa they would never get to the airport on time. When she finished the smell of coffee was drifting upstairs, pulling her to the fresh pot that Lexa had started before she left.   
"Actual American hero." Clarke murmured, cradling her mug as she returned to her closet to find clothes for the day that would tell her mother she knew how to take care of herself. She'd made the mistake of showing up to the airport for her mother's first visit in sweats and a tank top. Abby had fussed for hours, concerned that Clarke was depressed or not adapting well to the west coast, that law school was too hard on her, that she wasn't eating properly. Clarke knew better after that. Picking her mother up from the airport was a business casual event. Octavia had mocked her the next year for dressing so nice for them, but when she'd heard the story from the year before when they were alone later that evening, she took it all back. She settled on a pair of slim black jeans and a silver and cream silk blouse that she could no longer wear to the office due to one of the Partners being a pig and harassing her whenever she wore it. 

Lexa returned to a fully dressed and made up Clarke and was denied a kiss on grounds of being "Gross and sweaty and in uniform." She skulked dejectedly upstairs to the shower.  
She returned shortly wearing blue jeans and a black T-shirt with the SS 454 logo printed on it, hair hanging in loose waves around her shoulders, still wet. Clarke granted her the kiss this time, still loving every second even though it was a well practiced behavior now and the taste of coffee clashed horribly with the taste of toothpaste on Lexa's tongue. Clarke broke the kiss with a tug at the hem of Lexa's shirt.  
"Really?" she asked, frowning.  
"I don't have a lot of options, Clarke. Everything I brought is what I had packed for the Sandbox, remember? Not a lot of call for fancy civs out there." She reminded her gently, not for the first time.   
"Besides, Raven will like it." She raised an eyebrow playfully.   
"Sweety, I hate to break it to you, but Raven is just trying to get in your car." Clarke joked, shaking her head. "Lucky for you, Mom will probably want to go straight to the mall in San Francisco, and she'll probably insist on buying you a new wardrobe."  
"You made a dirty joke into a pun. My life has lost all meaning now. I can't beat that." Lexa tried to come up with any witty reply that would put her back into their running game of stand up comedy, while Clarke poured her a travel mug of coffee.   
"Don't hurt yourself, it's ok to let me win once or twice. Come on, let's get an early start. we can stop at that bagel place you like."

-

"Your mom says they just landed." Lexa locked Clarke's phone and placed it back on the center console as Clarke navigated the airport's maze of a pick-up/drop-off system.   
"Perfect timing." Clarke smiled, the knowledge that she and her mother were on the same ground on the same side of the country released a tension that she'd forgotten she was holding. Homesickness, she guessed.   
"Ya know, it's weird, in the four years I've lived out here, Raven hasn't visited once. I mean, I know she's been running her own business since she was eighteen, but you'd think that would earn her some vacation time." She mused, pulling into an hourly parking space and parking the car.  
"You think something is wrong?" Lexa asked, placing Abby and Raven's gifts in the passenger seat as she stepped out of the car. Clarke scrunched her nose at the thought.  
"Nah, it's Raven. She would have told me. Or at least told Octavia. Who would have told me."  
"Whatever you say love." Lexa wrapped an arm over Clarke's shoulder as they headed to the terminal. Clarke wrapped both arms around her waist in response, having to walk slightly sideways as a result, but she just beamed at Lexa.  
"You know I love you right?" She asked once they were inside and she didn't have to concentrate on not tripping over her feet.   
"Of course." Lexa smiled, slightly suspicious.  
"I'm going hate having to share my time with you now. I like having you all to myself." Clarke pouted.  
"They're only visiting, hon. You'll have had enough of me before the Corp takes me back." Lexa turned into Clarke's embrace, brushing her hair away from her face, fingers lingering on the soft skin behind her ear.   
"I'm not sure that's possible." Clarke murmured, lips hovering just barely over Lexa's.

"Oh gag. Abby, can we go back? They're being cute, I won't survive the week." Raven's voice pulled them apart with twin eye rolls, which only earned them another mimed gag.  
Lexa slipped into Attention as Abby stepped forward, waiting to hug her daughter after Raven had had her turn. Clarke jabbed her in the side between hugs, silently begging the powers that be that she wouldn't have to remind her to behave like a civilian the whole time they had guests.   
Raven stepped up to Lexa as Abby fussed over Clarke.  
"Hey you. I dig the shirt." Raven pulled her into a quick hug, sensing the change in Lexa's disposition. Between the jab in the ribs and the hug, Lexa relaxed enough to return the embrace and accept one from Abby as well.   
"It's wonderful to see you again Lexa. I hope everything is going well for you?" Abby was still digging for information about the real reason for Lexa's presence, though Lexa felt that her enthusiasm was genuine.   
"Everything is better with Clarke around Doctor Griffin." She deflected.   
"Lexa. No need to be formal, it's just Abby, you know that." The older woman dragged her daughter's girlfriend into another hug, reinforcing her words. the light on the baggage carousel flashed, signalling the arrival of their suitcases and the four of them headed to stand among the crowd. 

"Three of my four girls together again. Just about as perfect as it can get isn't it?" Abby asked rhetorically, gripping Clarke and Lexa around the shoulders as Raven eyed each bag that came down the belt. Lexa tried to hide the blush that spread up her neck, being so readily accepted as one of Abby's 'girls', as part of the family, was slightly overwhelming. She had raised Octavia and Raven alongside Clarke most of their lives, but Lexa had only recently shown up, and she'd been part of the family the moment Abby caught her dancing with Clarke at the wedding. She had even immediately defended her to her own mother when Indra was sceptical about the arrangement. 

-

Lunch was a small local crab shack on the bay. Clarke greeted the owners by name and asked for their usual table, explaining to Lexa and Raven on the way to the table that the first two times Abby had visited and they had eaten here, they'd been seated in the same place on accident, so they started asking for it after that. It had become part of their tradition. A tradition that Abby made a strong hint that she would miss when Clarke moved home. They were seated, discussed the menu and decided on their orders before the inquisition started.   
"How's the new job Clarke? Are you enjoying defence?" Clarke grimaced.  
"I plead the fifth?" she tried, only to be met with lowered eyebrows, her mother's serious face.   
"It sucks. It's making me homicidal at best. I have never hated anything more in my entire life. I... put my notice in yesterday." Clarke had neglected to inform her mother of course and Abby had to take a moment to process. Lexa just beamed, proud of her love for making the right choice for her. They'd had a bottle of wine as soon as Clarke had gotten home to celebrate and Lexa knew that it would be one of the nights they remembered for years.  
"So you're coming home then?" Raven jumped in before Abby could come up with a new volley of follow up questions.  
"I'm going back to the District Attorney's office after the Bar. I need to stay around here for a bit longer." Clarke answered, shifting her gaze from Raven to Lexa as she finished.  
"Which brings us to the million dollar question that Moms has literally not shut up about all morning..." Raven watched the soft smile grow on Clarke's lips and understood the meaning, she needed to stay for Lexa. "What, aside from Clarke obviously, brings you to Stanford, Lexa? Because I know you we're supposed to go overseas. Clarke snapped me sad pictures every day with a countdown."  
Lexa sighed and Clarke leaned over to kiss her cheek.  
"You've got this babe." she whispered. Lexa nodded and started her explanation. The one she'd worked on with Talbot the day before, the one she'd rehearsed with Clarke that night, the one she hated herself for being nervous and ashamed to tell. 

"I'm seeing a doctor at the Veterans Affairs hospital here. I have PTSD from my last tour and I failed the final psych eval before shipping out for this one." She tugged the gear at her neck until Clarke took her hand and held it tight.   
"I never told anyone what happened on my last tour and my doctor thinks that's made it worse." She choked up again before giving Clarke's mother and best friend the quick and clean version of her failed raid and subsequent capture and rescue. She and Clarke had decided it was best to leave the nightmares out of the initial explanation, even though Talbot had suggested full disclosure. Lexa just wasn't there yet.   
"Could you maybe not tell Lincoln and Octavia? I really don't want my brother to hear any of this second hand, but I'm not really ready to tell him. Or my mother." Lexa looked down, ashamed at the admission.   
"Dude..." Raven was stunned, stabbing absently at her food which had arrived during Lexa's account.   
"Of course, Lexa. You set the pace. We're all here for you." Abby's eyes were sad. She'd always thought the marine had seen some trauma, but now the girl was as good as family and it cut deeper, like one of her own daughters was hurting and there was nothing she could do to help. A horrible feeling for a doctor.   
"Thank you for trusting us with this Lexa. Really. I'm so sorry you had to go through that, and that you still are. I'm just glad Clarke could be there for you."  
"She's been amazing." Lexa agreed, her smile breaking through again to be turned on Clarke who returned it in kind. 

"They're being cute again Abby. I want to go home." Raven tugged Abby's sleeve like a small child, causing laughter around the table.   
"Too late Rave, you're stuck with us for the week. And we are always this cute, so you better get used to it." Clarke laughed, shooting her straw wrapper at her friend across the table.   
"So. Mall, or hotel before the drive-in theater?"  
"Mall!"


	10. Chapter 10

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Maybe stepping a little too far back.   
> And  
> Clarke is a little bit selfish.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _And we fly..._   
>  _Into outer space_   
>  _I float away But you're my gravity_   
>  _Die to love another day_   
>  _We rise again And lose our gravity_

"Clarke! Look!" Lexa stopped walking, tugging Clarke's arm.  
"Yes dear, that's a car." Clarke followed her girlfriends gaze and rolled her eyes. Lexa gaped at her, pouting as she tried to come up with a defense for the classic that Clarke had just insulted.  
"Oh Firebird, you beautiful beast." Raven crooned as she caught up with them, seeing what had stopped them. Lexa smirked at Clarke.  
"Raven knows perfection when she sees it. 'A car', for shame woman."   
Clarke just shook her head.  
"Are you two done drooling over the car? The band is starting"   
Lexa and Raven shared a wounded look, both directing it at Clarke as she turned to walk away, searching for a spot close to the stage. 

The now familiar sound of Criminal Dropship tore Lexa away from the old Pontiac in the parking lot and drew her into the busy amphitheater after Clarke. Clarke pushed through the crowd to get closer, parting groups of undergrads and the rare high schoolers with ease until she had carved out a place for them a few feet from the stage. The fans were gathered loosely enough on the lawn that some had spread blankets or set up camp chairs and Clarke followed suit, dropping her backpack and blanket, claiming more space for the three of them to enjoy the show. Lexa helped her spread out their blanket then anchored it with the small cooler she'd been in charge of. She pulled three beers out then used the lid as her seat, passing a can to Clarke as Raven set up her own chair. Clarke settled for the ground, resting her head against Lexa's knees as the band launched into their first song. 

"These guys are good. " Raven commented, tapping her foot against Clarke's leg in time with the drums. Lexa twisted her fingers through Clarke's hair, enjoying the music and the summer sunset. Her fingers itched for her bass even though it'd been sold years before. She watched the guitarist's fingers move over the frets, chrome painted nails flashing against the polished black of the old fender. 

The song shifted into something familiar from Lexa's road trip, mashing into the band's original with a smooth transition. Lexa moved her eyes away from the hypnotizing fingers to watch the rest of the person attached to them. She was intense, her face was hidden behind long braids laced with multi-colored extensions, as she leaned over the neck of her guitar and a glint of gold flashed against her bronze skin, betraying a septum ring. The song stopped and the woman stepped forward, taking a long drink from her glass (definitely not water) and shook her head, throwing the braids back over her shoulder. Lexa's fingers stopped moving through Clarke's hair and she leaned forward, her full attention focused now as guitarist stepped to the mic.   
"We are Criminal Dropship and we love you sick fuckers! Make! Some! NOISE!"  
The gathered fans cheered, whoops of " we love you", and "Fuck yeah!" mixed in with the general uproar. Lexa bolted. 

-

"This next one is for first loves, and those that are gone too soon." The guitarist carried on when the roar had died down, not noticing the fleeing girl or her startled and panicking girlfriend.   
"This one's for you X ." She whispered into the mic quickly slamming out the first four cords of the song as the rest of the band joined in behind her. The song was the same one that Lexa had recognized from the demo album in the car but Clarke didn't hear it. Didn't hear the name the crowd was cheering. She took off after Lexa.   
"Clarke!"   
Clarke stopped short.  
"Let her go. Something spooked her, but I think she knows how to handle it." Raven caught up to her friend, dragging her half unbuckled leg.   
"But-"  
"No."  
"It wasn't fireworks, it wasn't something anyone said, why did she run?"  
"Who the fuck knows Clarke. But she obviously needed to get away. Maybe she just felt something coming on and wanted to get away before it hit and she hurt someone. PTSD is a bitch like that. Believe me." Raven pulled the leg of her shorts up and tightened the straps of her leg, silently reminding Clarke that she'd had her own trauma to get past. 

"I'm worried Ray."   
"I know. But what good does that do either of you? Can you not trust her to figure her own shit out?" Raven raised an eyebrow pointedly, her voice taking an edge to it as she noticed Clarke wasn't listening. She reached out and shoved Clarke's shoulder, bringing her back to reality and Clarke nodded, realizing she didn't have a choice.  
"So, in the meantime, let's sit, enjoy the music and catch up. Your mom is at the spa all evening, my phone is dead, so no one can bother me, I'm on vacation and I haven't seen my best friend in months, can I just have this? please?" There was a slight hitch in Raven's voice that instantly sent all thoughts of Lexa to the back of Clarke's mind.   
"Raven? What's wrong?" She turned her concern to someone she could help, her best friend. With one last glance back at the lot where Lexa had disappeared, she pulled Raven back to their blanket.   
"Tell me."  
"Oh good, your world stopped revolving around your girlfriend for a second." Raven muttered bitterly. Her words stung and Clarke felt like she'd been slapped.   
"Raven..." Clarke murmured, wounded. Raven just shook her head, deciding her evening was already ruined.

Clarke shook herself then grabbed Raven's shoulders, forcing her to meet her eyes.  
"You're right. I've been caught up, I've been selfish and I haven't been there for you like I should have. But that's not what's really bothering you is it? I'm here now, you have my full attention, so tell me."   
"You think that's gonna make everything better?"   
"I'm trying Ray!"   
Raven closed her eyes and took a deep breath, nodding slowly when she opened them again.  
"Ok, fine. But only because I need to tell someone and Octavia has been ignoring me too."  
"She just got married Raven." Clarke reminded her flatly.  
"Do you want to listen or not?"   
"Hit me."  
"Wick proposed." 

Clarke sat back on her heels, stunned by the flat delivery of the news and the lack of an enthusiastic flourish of showing off the ring.  
"You said no?"  
"I said no." Raven confirmed. "I'm not ready for that shit. Zero G is my baby, I'm adding three new locations this year, I want to focus on that, my business. Not settling down and starting a family with a guy that I don't even get along with most days." Clarke nodded. Settling down wasn't Raven's style.  
"How'd he take it?"  
"He was pissed. He threw the ring and had himself a genuine three year old's tantrum. And he broke up with me."  
"Oh my god, Raven... wow. I'm sorry. When did this happen?" Clarke was stunned even though she'd always known Raven and Wick wouldn't last.   
"Valentine's day." Clarke sucked air through her teeth in a hiss.  
"Does he not know you at all?"  
"That would be a no, aparently." Big gestures and Hallmark holidays were definitely not Raven's style. "He wanted it his way. He always did. I mean, obviously it was never going to work because it has to be my way. Always."  
"Well obviously." Clarke chuckled. Raven's ego was always there to save the day. "Still, I'm sorry Raven, thats two and a half years, I'm sure it's not easy."

"Onwards and upwards right? I'm mostly over it by now. I mean, I have my distractions." She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.  
"Someone new?" Clarke wondered aloud.   
"Well, I've known him for a long time, so not really? But this part is new." Raven looked shy for a moment, something Clarke was not used to seeing on her friend's face.   
"Who? I have to know him, I know everyone you know!"   
"You definitely do."  
"Is it that Miller guy from the garage that you only hired because he was cute? It is isn't it?" Clarke felt like they were back in high school, gossiping over crushes and cute boys, or the occasional girl, when Clarke was brave enough to bring it up.  
"You would hate me less if it was, so unfortunately, no." Raven got quiet and Clarke had to lean in to hear her over the band.

"Who, Rave?" Clarke asked, suddenly suspicious.  
"Finn." Raven muttered.  
"What?"  
"Finn! Your high school sweetheart-turned-fuckboy Finn Collins!" Raven snapped, and a few heads turned from the surrounding groups of fans.  
Clarke sat back again, feeling as though the force of Raven's announcement had knocked her over.   
"Why?" was all she could think to say.  
"He was there. I don't know Clarke. He introduced us in the first place, he was there when Wick proposed, he took my side."  
"But it's Finn. You know what he did. You know how he is." Clarke was half angry and half concerned.   
"Not to sound cliche, Clarke, but that was high school. None of us are the same people we were back then. Octavia got married, you're dating a Marine - a female Marine, Bellamy is a detective, and my on-the-side car repair business is turning into a chain, I'm a business woman. Would you have expected any of that from us when we were seventeen? Why can't Finn have grown up too?"  
Clarke could only blink. Raven had won that one.   
"You're dating my ex-boyfriend." she stated, just to wrap her head around it.  
"I'm sleeping with your ex-boyfriend. Dating isn't something I want to think about again for a long time. But yeah, we spend a lot of time together. He's turned out to be a really good guy Clarke. And it pisses Wick off to no end, so that's a bonus."   
"Alright. I'll take your word on it, but, just, be careful ok?"  
"When am I not?"  
"Literally always."

-

"Stanford!" She yelled to the mic, holding a hand to her forehead to block the setting sun.  
"You've been awful as always, it's been a pleasure! Happy Independence day fuckers!"  
She stepped off the stage, leaving her guitar in its cradle and waiting for her mates to make their final insults and join her.   
"I'm still surprised we have fans when we just insult them like that all the time." the bassist mused, jumping off the stage, avoiding the stairs altogether.  
"It's our aesthetic Echo. The point was to seem Criminal right? Queer Nerds Dropship just doesn't have the same ring to it."  
"Conn's right, and they all know we're not really dicks. Besides, even if we were, it wouldn't matter. We have Tia's tits on our side." Hudson received a hard punch in the shoulder from the owner of said tits. But the drummer just raised his eyebrows, sticking to his point.   
"I left my smokes in my car, I'll catch up with you guys at the merch booth."  
"Chain smoker!" Connor called after her.  
"That's why you're the lead singer and I'm the tits." She retorted, twisting to take a few steps backward to smirk at her brother. He just shook his head.  
"Good show Costia! She'd have liked it." she heard Connor's usual post show cheers behind her and smiled slightly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Three part (at least) chapter.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Shit goes down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _In my left hand there is the familiar_   
>  _In my right hand there's the great unknown_   
>  _I can see the madly different grass there_   
>  _But I'm drawn to wilder nights at home_

Lexa ran.  
Fighting off panic she couldn't remember where Clarke's car was so she stopped running when she reached the Firebird in the parking lot. She sank to the dirt and traced the gold pin striping along the black skirt of the classic to try to keep herself calm.  
She was suddenly sure she was still in the cave in Afghanistan and the insurgents had put a bullet in her brain. There was no way this was real, no way this was happening. She tugged the gear at her neck. Costia's pendant. She gripped it until the sharp points of the steel dug into her palm, adding new marks to the faint scars it had already left there over the years. 

She sat there, she wasn't sure how long, counting backwards from one thousand, naming all the core stock components of the car she was leaning on and trying to control her breathing.  
"Hey! You mind?"  
Lexa opened her eyes to a nightmare. Not only did she happen to stumble into one of Costia's concerts, she was trying to compose herself while leaning on Costia's car. Of course it would be her car.  
"Costia." Lexa choked as she stood, self consciously brushing dirt from her pants.  
"Do I know you?" The guitarist asked, hands on hips, honey eyes flashing, assuming this woman was some drunk fan and she would have to call Connor and Hudson.

"You probably wish you didn't, Tia." Lexa lifted her eyes from the ground and pushed her curls behind her ears nervously as she waited for recognition to sweep across Costia's face.  
"X? Lexa?! No. You're- you died. You died!" Awe turned to confusion then rage, remembering the countless nights she'd cried herself to sleep in her boarding school dorm, thinking her first love was dead.  
"I should have. I'm sorry Costia. I couldn't- I just. I didn't know how to deal. I didn't know how to face you after I failed." Her eyes filled and spilled over and she wrapped her arms around her stomach, shrinking into herself. The night that she had tried to block out for so long flashed through her mind.  
_Typing a shaky final email to Costia, cradling the flag that the Navy had handed her father that morning., in her funeral clothes. Her father breaking down her door, seeing the bottles of pills, empty on the floor, the bottle of vodka on the desk. The rush to the hospital. Waking up and screaming despite the tube in her throat. Hating her father for saving her life. Being told to do something to make her sister proud, not make her ashamed like she would be if she could see her right now. The numbing week on suicide watch at the hospital, when she decided to never feel again._

"Ten years X. I've thought you were dead for ten years." Costia's lip shook as she spoke. She stepped forward cautiously, wanting to make sure the woman in front of her was real and not a ghost. She reached out and brushed a tear from Lexa's cheek.  
"You're real." She said breathlessly. "You're alive."  
"Yeah." Lexa managed a small breathy laugh, the situation in the present too surreal for her to dwell upon the past any longer. Costia pulled her suddenly into a hug, fierce and tight and accompanied by tears. Lexa let herself be hugged, only returning a fraction of Costia's enthusiasm, the guilt of what she'd done still weighing heavy. 

"Lexa?!"  
"What the fuck?"  
Clarke and Raven had finally found her. They couldn't have had worse timing.  
Lexa pushed Costia back and rushed toward a very concerned Clarke. She reached for her hands, putting as much apology in her eyes as she could.  
"This habit you have of running off..." Clarke said warningly as she took Lexa's hands.  
"I need to quit, I know. I'm sorry." Lexa finished for her.  
"Who's the Legs?" Raven asked drunkenly, coming up behind Clarke, gesturing at Costia and her cut off shorts. "Aside from the guitarist? I mean, that's obvious, but why was there hugging? And why is everyone crying?"  
Lexa lowered her brows at Raven, eyes dry now. She dropped Clarke's hands to pull at her necklace again and rake her hair back, looking between the three women and trying to decide how best to introduce them without inciting a riot.  
"You kept that?" Costia asked, noticing the gear that Lexa tugged at as she looked back at her.  
"Lexa?" Clarke asked as Lexa nodded.  
"Clarke, this is Costia."  
"The Costia? Road trip Costia? Are you shitting me?" Clarke chewed her lip, trying to settle between angry, jealous, threatened, or relieved.  
"Clarke is my girlfriend Tia, she's a fan of your music?" Lexa tried to make introducing her current girlfriend to her ex-girlfriend as minimally awkward as possible, and failed miserably.  
"And I'm chopped liver aparently!" Raven quipped, defusing the situation much more effectively.  
Costia laughed at this, unlocking her car and reaching for the pack of Blacks in the driver seat.  
"Hey chopped liver, nice to meet you." She tapped two cigars out of the pack and offered one to Lexa, hanging the other from her lips.  
"I don't smoke anymore." Lexa waved her off, and she shrugged, offering it to Raven instead.  
"Nice car." Raven took the offering and ran her hand over the firebird. 

"Clarke? Are you ok?" Lexa turned back to her, concerned at her silence.  
"Yeah, babe. I'm fine." Clarke said quietly. She pinched the bridge of her nose and Lexa recognized it as one of Abby's stress relieving gestures.  
"You're not." She grabbed Clarke's hand and led her away.  
"I ran because I recognized her. I didn't know what else to do. I had no idea. I didn't even know it was her car, and she just showed up. It's all too weird, I'm sorry Clarke." Lexa held her face in her hands, holding Clarke's blue eyes with her own.  
"You said you just stopped talking, lost touch..." Clarke reminded her.  
Lexa sighed.  
"Not entirely true. I-"  
"She wrote me a suicide note after drinking three bottles of pills and I never heard from her again." Costia stepped forward, leaving Raven to marvel at her car.  
Clarke's eyes widened in horror, suddenly understanding why Lexa hadn't told the whole truth.  
"Not my proudest moment." Lexa confirmed. "I enrolled in the Military Academy right after I got out of the hospital. It's easier to just skip that part in the back story, I'm sorry I lied Clarke."  
"Military school X? Really?"  
"Costia, could you give us a moment?" Lexa said, more forcefully than she had intended and Costia stepped back involuntarily in shock. Lexa had never been commanding before.  
"Yeah, sure. My bad." She backed up, deciding to give Raven a tour of the interior of the firebird, though her normal excitement for showing off her car was gone. 

"Sorry, she's always kinda.... In your face." Lexa tried to apologize. She felt like that's all she would be doing for the rest of her life.  
"You don't even know her anymore." Clarke replied, bitterly hoping that were true.  
"She hasn't changed much." Lexa observed.  
"You aren't helping Lex."  
"Clarke. What do you think is going to happen here? I love you. That's not changing because Costia happens to be here."  
"Isn't it though?"  
"What the fuck are you talking about?!"  
"She's everything you've been trying to get back to. She's in a band, you want to play again. Don't tell me you don't, you air guitar every song you know. The car? You were drooling over it this evening and it's hers! I can't share something like that with you. That necklace you always wear is hers! You-" Clarke's voice was rising to the point of hysterics.

"Clarke!" Lexa barked, sounding one hundred percent Marine though her face was a mix of concern and anger.  
"You're right. I've been trying to get back to that version of me. But that's not really what I want. I don't want to be fourteen again. I don't want to be Costia, or be with Costia. I want to be me and I want to be with you, and I want to find new things that I enjoy, that I enjoy doing with you. Music and cars are things that I love, but I also love you and who cares if you aren't as interested in those things as I am? You have your art and space, that I can't share with you. But we have hikes and crossword puzzles and horrible history documentaries, and the rest of our lives to figure out what else." She rested her hands on Clarke's shoulders, anchoring her down, bringing her back to calm.

"Do you understand that Clarke? I want a future with you, not the past with her. I need you to understand that."  
Clarke nodded with a quavering breath, pressing her hands to Lexa's chest, feeling her heart beat against her palm. She reached for the necklace, pinching the delicate looking gear between shaking fingers.  
"And this?" She asked.  
Lexa reached behind her neck and undid the clasp, pulling the chain off. She took Clarke's hand and pressed the necklace into her palm.  
"The chain was my grandmother's. Mom gave it to Anya when we left with Father. When I lost Anya, I lost Costia too. This is all I had of them." Clarke stared at the intricate silver chain in her hand until Lexa pinched the clasp and pulled it away from the pendant until all that was left in her palm was the gold colored steel gear. Lexa stepped back, wordlessly circling behind Clarke to secure the chain around her neck.  
"I don't need it anymore. Keep it." She said gently, coming full circle to stand in front of Clarke once more. She plucked the gear away and took Clarke's hand in hers, lacing their fingers together and kissing each one. 

"We don't have to ever see her again if you're not comfortable with it, but you have nothing to worry about." Lexa led them back to the car to collect Raven.  
"No. You just found someone you lost a long time ago, I'm not going to take that away from you just because she's your ex. Besides, she's local, and she's in my favorite band, it'd be pretty hard to avoid her." Clarke reasoned, leaning into Lexa's arm as they walked.  
"I love how you can go from hysterical to rational in ten seconds flat." Lexa teased, earning a bump from Clarke's hip and a small laugh.  
"So you want us to be friends?" Lexa asked, still skeptical.  
"Yeah. Better than enemies or awkward tensions. Besides, we could hang out with Criminal Dropship!"  
"If she doesn't hate me for the whole, suicide thing." Lexa reasoned. She wouldn't blame her.  
"Can't hate you X. We were kids, you went through some shit. I get it." Costia stepped out of the car, catching the tail end of Clarke and Lexa's conversation as they approached. "Now. I was pissed for a long time, but your girl is right, better friends than enemies. It's gonna be rough shit explaining it to the guys though."

"Oooohhhhh....." Raven popped up from the passenger side, timing impeccable as always. "Lexa! You're 'X'! She dedicated a song to you in the show! The show you missed, which is rude because you had a song dedicated to you."  
"You have had too much to drink my friend." Lexa said, laughing as she stepped forward to pull Raven from the car, lifting her prosthetic out of the car for her as her coordination was slipping.  
"A song? Really? Not that Save and Continue cover..." Lexa eyed Costia with a teasing grin as she supported Raven and reached for the woman's backpack on the floorboard of the car. She tossed the bag to Clarke who pulled Raven's folding cane out and hooked it together.  
"That's the one." Costia muttered, blush crawling up her cheeks, watching Lexa with fascination. She was so different from her teenage self and she couldn't quite figure out what it was.  
"Can you stand chief?" Lexa asked, passing the cane to her wobbling friend, who was still giggling over Costia's memorial dedication to the very much alive Lexa.  
"Yeah yeah, I'm a fucking flamingo."  
"Ok, yeah, we need to sober you up." Clarke stepped forward, ready to catch her friend once Lexa stepped out from under her arm.  
"We've got food and waters and Advil at the merch booth." Costia offered, glad to change the subject and try to be helpful. "You guys want shirts?" She added awkwardly, strangely nervous under Clarke's gaze. Lexa looked at Clarke for confirmation then gestured for Costia to lead the way, falling into step with her as Clarke guided a wobbly Raven along behind them. 

"Small world huh?" Lexa asked.  
"Small fuckin world." Costia agreed.  
"Is this going to be weird?"  
"Once I get over you not being dead, nah. I mean, shit, look at you. You've still got decent taste in music, and excellent taste in women, but you are different, X."  
"That would be the Marine Corp." Lexa filled in the missing piece.  
"The fuck? Seriously?"  
"I thought it would make Anya proud of me."  
"Tell me you don't still believe that. Because that woman would have hated you joining the military. She would have wanted you up on that stage with me every night, not toting a gun and taking orders."  
"You're right. And I know that now, but for a long time, it was just easier to take orders than think for myself. It took Clarke to really shake me out of it." Lexa glanced back over her shoulder, offering Clarke a smile because she knew she was listening.  
"Oh hey!" She remembered, seeing her silver chain around Clarke's neck.  
"You should have this back." She reached out and dropped the gear into Costia's palm. She looked at her puzzled.  
"You can keep it X..."  
"You said I could give it back to you when we saw each other again." Lexa reminded her. A promise made at the airport security checkpoint between two teenagers, finally fulfilled ten years later.  
"You remember that?"  
"My problem is that I remember too much. I can't block out little things anymore."  
"Damn." Costia shook her head, rattling the beads at the ends of her braids. "When the hell did we grow up huh?"  
Lexa scoffed.  
"You grew up?" Costia shoved her off balance and Lexa had to blink away her immediate fight response before correcting her feet to walk beside the other woman again.  
"Way to prove my point." Lexa laughed, regaining her composure. 

"Costia! We insult our fans, not physically abuse them!"  
Costia held a hand out to stop Lexa and jumped ahead to her band mates to excitedly explain the situation. Clarke stepped forward, frowning deeply, still holding Raven upright.  
"Could you two flirt any harder?" She muttered, scowling after the competition.  
"Clar-ke," Lexa dropped her head back behind her shoulders and drew out the name in exasperation.  
"Please don't do this. You said you wanted us to be friends-"  
"Yeah, friends. Not pick up where you left off." Clarke cut in harshly.  
"Clarke. There's history, there's always going to be history and if we tried to pretend there wasn't history, it would be a train wreck. If you forget the past you're doomed to repeat it. I've told you this. Multiple times. I want you, not her." She closed her eyes, trying the Griffin family stress reliever of pinching the bridge of her nose, finding it rather effective.  
"You took so long to open up to me, Lex. I had to pry some of this stuff out of you and you just tell her like its nothing. You can't tell me to not be hurt by that." Clarke said quietly. Raven nodded enthusiastically, not really understanding what was going on, but knowing it was always best to agree with Clarke.  
"Tell me there aren't things that you could easily tell Raven that you would have a harder time telling me." Lexa countered, knowing that Clarke couldn't.  
"If you aren't comfortable with this, we can just go home Clarke." Lexa's guard was up, voice hollow and low. Clarke could see the walls go up behind her eyes, shutting her out, and her own walls crumbled. 

She was jealous. She shouldn't be, she knew Lexa, she knew she could trust her, she knew that as certainly as she knew her own name. But there was that feeling. That ugly boiling feeling that someone else would have something that's yours. She hated it. She hated herself for being jealous, for being upset that Lexa could open up to someone else when that was what they had been working on. Lexa was making progress and Clarke was upset just because the person she chose to open up to was Costia. She shook her head, almost violently, to clear her mind of the toxic thoughts. She sighed, shifting under Raven's weight to reach for Lexa's hand. 

"I can manage." She tried a small laugh to fight off tears. "I'm sorry Lex. That was, really immature of me. I trust you, and I want you to be able to talk about the shit that's bothering you, I guess I just wasn't ready to not be the only one who had that privilege." Clarke tugged Lexa's hand, trying to pull the steel from her eyes.  
"Lexa, baby. Look at me, please?"  
"I am."  
"You're not seeing me Lexa. I know that look." The one that said she was far away in her head, hiding in shadows while keeping her eyes front and focused. The drill formation stare. The one that some soldiers had perfected to the point of sleeping with their eyes open.  
The Marine closed her eyes, drawing in a deep breath, bringing Lexa back on the exhale, blinking grey into a clear pale green. Clarke dropped Lexa's hand to cup her cheek, letting Raven lurch away unnoticed toward a returning Costia.  
"I want you to stay friends with Costia, I want all of us to be friends." She did, really. She hadn't known the level of her possessiveness when she'd suggested it the first time, and after the way she'd just acted she was sure the idea sounded disingenuine now, but she did want Lexa to have this piece of her past back. "I promise I'll try to keep the jealousy in check. But I really don't like sharing you." Each word was softer and brought Clarke's lips closer to Lexa's, her final sentence bringing skin to brush skin. Lexa smiled and nodded just so slightly to cause one more tickling, teasing contact before she drew Clarke's lips to hers with a tug at her waist. The fraction of an inch forward crashing them together, sealing their promises to each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was going to wait, but I love all your comments, so here's your reward. :)


	12. Chapter 12

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait guys, I wanted to get a little bit of character building done with the band, but I hate writing large group scenes, so I put it off for a while. Bear with me through this one. I just needed to tie off this part before I jumped to the next part like I wanted.  
> Back to your regularly scheduled programming next chapter.  
> (i.e: more fun family dinners, therapy and the three car nerds get to bore Clarke to death.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _You launch your rocketship into the empty pit in my heart_   
>  _And now I'm falling in love_

"Just so you know, my brother wants to punch you for making me cry." Costia stepped up when Clarke and Lexa broke apart, clapping a hand on Lexa's shoulder.  
"Did you tell him that I'm a Marine?" Lexa raised an eyebrow.  
"Yeah, and he's too chicken shit about you bashing in his pretty face to actually do it, but he wanted you to know that he wanted to."   
"Fair. I probably deserve a shot or two, really." Lexa laughed, looking past Costia to see her three band mates eyeing her.  
"Lex, babe, I think the war and PTSD are punishment enough, please don't pick any fights. Or, let people hit you. That's not healthy." Clarke shook her head, grimacing. Lexa nodded.  
"You're probably right, Talbot would not approve."  
"I'm always right."  
"Says who?"  
"You. Regularly." Lexa grinned at this, pulling Clarke in close to her side once again, mentioning for Costia to lead on with the other arm.  
"Raven was right, you two are disgusting." Costia laughed and Raven shouted a slurred "I told you so!" From the chair Costia had deposited her in behind the table.

"Well, I never thought I'd get to meet you." The singer stepped forward, shaking Lexa's hand respectfully. He was definitely Costia's twin. The same dark, freckled skin, golden hazel eyes, and small athletic frame.   
"I'm Connor, you made my sister cry."   
"Won't happen again." Lexa replied with an honest smile.   
"Ok, good. Nice to meet you then."   
"Likewise."  
"Manners, right. Can't trust Tia to have them and I've forgotten mine." Connor pulled his other band mates forward, leaving Costia to watch in amusement from the merch table, glaring at the occasional fan that wandered past.  
"This is my partner, Hudson. And Echo, who is Costia's.... What are you two anyway?" Connor made the introductions, stopping to puzzle at Echo.  
"Fucking. That's all you need to know." The girl smirked as Connor made a face.  
"I actually didn't need to know." He muttered, elbowing past her to shake Clarke's hand.  
"You're Clarke right? This must be the weirdest night of your life. I apologize for my sister, she's... She's, Costia. There's really no explanation." Clarke laughed, remembering Lexa's description of 'in your face' it seemed to be widely recognized.   
"It's definitely up there on the crazy scale. But it is really nice to meet you all." Clarke let herself forget for a moment that this was Lexa's famous ex's twin brother and let herself feel the excitement of meeting her favorite local band.   
"You put on a great show tonight."  
"Yeah, we're alright." Hudson laughed "Come join us, we've got beers and an assortment of chips. My lovely sister-in-law can get you shirts and you can advertise for us. Booth babes!"  
"Are you sure you're a gay man?" Echo jabbed. Hudson tapped the gold band on his finger, waving it in the bassist's face.   
"Gay enough!"  
"Children..." Connor interjected.  
"Come on back you guys, Raven has made herself at home already." Costia called from the booth and Raven raised her water bottle in a toast with no one.

-

“Are you guys staying for the fireworks show? It’s not the Bay’s fanciest, but they have to save the big show for the actual night right?” Hudson asked, kicking his feet up onto the table, the hand not holding a beer tapping along to the beat of the next act’s song.  
“Uh Hudson…” Costia tried to kick him from her place with her head in Echo’s lap on the floor of the van.  
“We probably shouldn’t. I didn’t think they would have a fireworks display tonight to be honest.” Clarke replied nervously, eyeing Lexa for signs of unease.  
“Awwww. Come on Clarke, don’t be a killjoy! I love things that go boom!” Raven whined, unnoticing of Clarke’s concern for Lexa. Four bottles of water later she was as reasonably sober as the rest of the group.  
“Yeah Clarke. Things that go boom.” Lexa laughed, pecking her worried girlfriend on the cheek with a kiss.  
“I’ll be fine. I’m sure someone has earplugs?”   
Echo dug through a box in the van and pulled out a few packs of disposable earplugs and tossed them to Lexa.  
“That’s really gonna cut it?”  
“I have PTSD, I’m not made of glass. It’s just the sharp whistles that get me. The plugs block those out.” She explained, returning her arm to Clarke’s waist and holding her tightly again.   
“You worry too much.” she whispered with another kiss.  
“Shit man, I totally didn’t know. Don’t stay if you’re uncomfortable…” Hudson tried to backtrack.  
“I said I would be fine Hudson. I’d be a pretty bad Marine if I couldn’t celebrate my country's Independence in true American fashion.” The sarcasm dripped, but there was a truth behind it.  
“Anyway, lets never talk about me again. How long have you and Connor been married?” Lexa changed the subject quickly, talking about the military and her mental health was more of a trigger than fireworks could ever be, the loud bangs and whistles and pops were almost comforting by comparison.   
“Nooooooo, don’t get them started!” Echo and Costia both wailed from the van, Costia glared daggers.

“Don’t get who started on what?” Connor returned from his bathroom trip.  
“Nothing!” Costia yelled frantically.  
“Oh, our wedding. Excellent.” he rubbed his hands together like a comic villain, delighted that he got to torment his twin.  
“Oh this’ll be good.” Clarke chuckled, instantly deciding to take Connor’s side on any future sibling feuds. 

“We were engaged for two years, but we had to wait for some legal shit to finish going through. We did a little commitment thing last year, but nothing legal.”  
“The government and their paperwork.” Hudson complained.  
“It was beautiful though. We even got the queen of Lesbos into a dress.”  
“And that is why there are no pictures of this event.” Costia sniped  
“So she thinks” Connor leaned over to whisper in Clarke’s ear.   
“So, this year at Pride we did the official thing.” Hudson picked up over his husband’s giggles.  
“Con’s T Family had their own float in the parade, so we got a Minister up there and signed our documents during the parade.”

“I sent our parent’s a video of their son getting married during Gay Pride, unfortunately they did not have the coordinated stroke I figured they would. They still swear they have twin daughters.”  
“Don’t kill the story Tia.” Connor scolded, pulling out his phone to show Lexa, Clarke and Raven their wedding photo. Clarke couldn’t help an ‘awww’ from escaping. Raven complained that she would get cavities if she looked too long.   
Connor wore a white suit, Hudson’s was a royal purple. They had matching shirts and ties, though Connor’s were pastel pink and blue and Hudson’s were a much brighter pink and navy. the parade was in full swing behind them and the whole background of the photo looked like one giant rainbow.   
“That is quite possibly the gayest thing I’ve ever seen. I love it.” Clarke laughed, handing the phone back to Connor.   
“Can I borrow that suit Hudson? What do you think babe, would it clash too much with your dress blues?”   
Lexa had to spit her beer before it went up her nose and Raven fell over laughing, holding her stomach as she rolled, still unable to stop.

The fireworks cut off Lexa’s attempt to recover her dignity with a witty reply.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments get you chapters faster! I'd love to hear what you want to happen/where you think it'll go. :p


	13. Chapter 13

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa makes the big calls

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _I think the universe is on my side_   
>  _Heaven and earth have finally aligned_   
>  _Days are good_   
>  _And that’s the way it should be_   
>  _You sprinkle stardust on my pillowcase_   
>  _It’s like a moonbeam brushed across my face_   
>  _Nights are good_   
>  _And that’s the way it should be_   
>  _And I see colors in a different way_   
>  _You make what doesn’t matter fade to grey_   
>  _Life is good_   
>  _And that’s the way it should be_

  
**Patient name:** Alexandria Heda **Rank:** Capt. USMC  
**Diagnosis:** PTSD- psychosomatic stress **Session:** 5 Wednesday **Treatment:** Continued Therapy, undetermined  
Excellent progress  
Costia -teen relationship -reconnected -seems unproblematic @ present  
Anya? -sister -Navy -K.I.A.? -possible origin trigger

"Good morning Captain."  
"Doctor Talbot." Lexa took her normal chair and sunk into it, the hangover from the night before had spared her head, but her bones were sore.  
"Eventful evening?"  
"You could say that." Lexa dragged a hand across her face. Dragging herself out of Clarke's arms and into her uniform had been a struggle this morning and no amount of coffee seemed to be able to shake her from the stiffness that had settled over her.  
"Back to being cryptic, are we?" Talbot gave her a stern look, reminding her that she was, in fact, there to talk.  
"I had a minor episode with the fireworks at the concert last night. But just for a second, I got earplugs in before the second volley." Lexa admitted. Deciding to drop the big news last so she wouldn't have to explain in too much detail.  
"But that's not all of it is it?"  
"You're good Doc."  
She got another scolding glare.  
"Let's save that for hour two or three yeah?" Lexa continued, serious once more.

"Alright, your lead." Talbot conceded, knowing her patient well enough now to know she would come out with it when she was ready to. Every word was planned before it was spoken to her.  
"I'm never going to be able to go back overseas. Or into fire I suspect. Infantry is never going to work for me again. I'm not really sure I should be trusted with a gun, even though I passed all my weapons handling debriefs."  
"I'm glad you've reached that conclusion on your own. That was my conclusion as well. Though I think you can work up to the point of trusting yourself with a firearm again." Talbot agreed, genuinely impressed that Lexa had decided this without much coaxing.  
"What do you think I should do?"  
"Are you actually asking for my advice Captain?" Talbot acted shocked, covering her heart with a hand.  
"Are you going to make me regret that decision Doc?" Lexa asked, cracking one of the first true smiles Talbot had seen from her. _'Progress.'_ She thought. 

"Before you decided on infantry at the academy, what were your other MOS options?" She wanted Lexa to answer her own question.  
"I'm still qualified 8156."  
"Marine Security Guard, not a bad choice. What else?"  
"Honestly, something in the 58s. Military police, corrections. And, well," Lexa paused, looking to the ceiling for help.  
"And?"  
"I always wanted to be a MWD handler. I'm a little bit of a war dog nerd. It's embarrassing actually."  
"I think a dog might be the perfect option for you. They can be trained to sense the emotional state of their handler as well as their designated task. And Handlers are useful in both the security force and the military police." 

"Do you think I'm ready to at least apply?" Lexa was scared to hear the response.  
"I think you need some certainly as far as your career goes. So yes, if you know you can't continue with your current position but aren't ready to leave the Corp, I would say definitely put yourself on a new path as soon as possible. You need to be sure though." 

"You know, I told Clarke to do what felt best for her, do what she wanted to do. So she's leaving Jupiter and Arc, and going back to the District Attorney's office. It would be pretty stupid to not follow my own advice right? So I'll apply at Lackland, drop my infantry classification, and go back to the security force." Lexa's resolve hardened with each word and when she finished she was sure it was the right course of action. Talbot nodded, smiling. 

"How do you feel?"  
"Better. Having a plan helps."  
"It does. Right now, your brain needs order and organization. Post traumatic stress disorder essentially destroys the brain's pre existing compartmentalization, which is why the flashbacks can be so vivid and seem like reality, your brain can't differentiate between memory and the present because the line has been erased. Organizing your life with plans and structure like this will eventually help remind your brain to rebuild those separations." The doctor explained.  
"Makes sense." Lexa nodded, deciding that she might need to start giving psychobabble a little more credit. 

"So." Talbot started after a brief pause. "Now that we've settled on a direction for your career, what's the big issue that you wanted to avoid telling me?" She leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees, looking expectantly at her patient.  
"You are good Doc." Lexa laughed and settled deeper into her chair. Preparing herself under the doctor's unamused gaze. 

She began slowly, starting with the history.  
"The first person I ever loved... Her name is Costia."

-

 **Lexa:** Paperwork at the base. I'll be late.  
**Clarke:** Should we wait for you for lunch?  
**Lexa:** Go ahead without me, I'll get food on my way home.  
**Clarke:** :(  
**Lexa:** I'll be home as soon as I can.  
**Clarke:** How was your session?  
**Lexa:** Productive :)  
**Clarke:** :D Yay!  
**Lexa:** Goof  
**Clarke:** You love me ;p  
**Lexa:** I do.  <3

-

"No I don't want to work!" Raven complained, setting her plate aside and digging her phone out of her pocket to stop it from chirping at her.  
"If it's not important, don't answer it." Abby advised.  
"How would she know if it's important or not if she doesn't answer it, mom?"  
"Ooh! Hey Lex! It's one of the guys I asked about the car!" Raven slapped at Lexa's knee excitedly when she finally read the caller ID.  
"So answer it! And quit hitting me, psycho!" Lexa's eyes pleaded silently for Clarke to save her from across the coffee table. 

"Reyes. Yeah, that's the one. What do you mean you don't know the year? What kind of car dealer are you?!" Raven left the sofa to pace in front of the stairs, trying to avoid walking in front of the television and further interrupting the horrible lifetime movie they'd decided to watch.  
"Lexa, this idiot doesn't know what model year he's got. 'Just says GT500' is all he's got."  
"Some business you're running here Raven. Gimme." Lexa held a hand out for the phone and Raven reluctantly handed it over.  
"He's not one of mine!" She said defensively.  
"Read me the VIN." Lexa commanded. Politely, but her tone said she wasn't in the mood to deal with the idiot she thought the man on the other end to be. She nodded as she listened to him for a moment.  
"T In the VIN, made in Jersey. 1968.... Yeah, that's reasonable. Does she run?" There was a pause and a deep sigh.  
"Turn the engine over." Another pause.  
"Alright, easy fix. You knock eight off that number and get her to my garage in Quantico and you've got a deal. Yes eight. Because that's what I'm going to spend to change the engine manifold and put new intakes in. No, I've got your number, I'll text you the details and where to fax the paperwork. Thank you. You too, have a good evening."  
Lexa slid the off icon across the screen and tossed it back to Raven who was staring like Lexa had just been turned to gold.

"Did you just buy a car?" Clarke asked, blinking. Abby had muted the movie and joined the girls in staring. Raven was floored, literally. She had to sit, very suddenly, presumably to catch her jaw on the floor.  
"This is not a wrench in my pocket. Clarke, I am suddenly very gay and I'm stealing your girlfriend."  
"No!" Clarke and Lexa countered at the same time. Raven just pulled herself back onto the sofa to pout, reaching for her plate and picking at her pizza mopily.  
"The car is for Wells." Lexa explained, only succeeding in making Abby more confused. 

"Well, I need a project, and I already did all the restoration on my car, so why not fix up Wells' dream car."  
"That's extremely generous Lexa." Abby praised.  
"You bought a car. You bought a car...for Wells... And you had it shipped to Quantico?" Clarke was too confused, and scared that Lexa had decided to leave, to actually scold.  
"I thought it'd be easier on the moving crew to get both cars at one location."  
"Moving crew?"  
Lexa moved to Clarke's side, laughing under her breath at the confused look she wore.

"I'm accepting your offer, Clarke. Moving in here. For real." She paused to let this sink in, waiting for the lights to turn on behind Clarke's eyes, holding them with her own until they did.  
"Oh, my. GOD!"  
"That offer is still good right?" Lexa's answer was to be tackled back into the sofa cushions with a bear hug and a squeal.  
"I take that as a yes." She coughed, trying to refill her lungs from the impact. Clarke could only nod furiously against Lexa's shoulder. 

"Oh man... And I was going to recruit you to run one of my garages." Raven made an exaggerated snapping motion but she was beaming at the pair of them, tangled on the sofa, Clarke still unable to contain her excited squeaks.  
"Open one out here and we'll talk."  
"Are you retiring Lexa?" Abby spoke up as Lexa pushed Clarke back to a sitting position.  
"No, the Corp is still something I love. I've worked too hard to give it up. But, I put in for a transfer and sent a request for a secondary MOS training program. I'm withdrawing from infantry, so I won't be deployed for combat again."  
"You didn't tell me any of this!" Clarke pouted. 

"I wanted it to be a surprise, love. And I only did all this this afternoon."  
"You sneak! That's the paperwork you had to do at the base?!" Clarke shoved at Lexa's shoulder playfully.  
"Does that make up for missing lunch?"  
"So much!" 

-

"Clarke" Lexa's voice broke the darkness in the middle of the night.  
"Mmm?"  
"I need to tell you something."  
"Mmmmeh its the middle of the night why are you awake?" Clarke muttered into her pillow, refusing to move or open her eyes.  
"Nightmare."  
Clarke rolled over and sat up almost instantly.  
"Are you ok? What-"  
"I'm fine. I woke myself up before it got bad." Lexa cut off the concerned questions.

"I need to tell you something though." She stated again.  
"You're killing me babe. What is it?" Clarke relaxed slightly and leaned into Lexa who wrapped her arms tightly around her.  
"If I get this service I applied for, I have to go to Texas. It's likely I won't get it, but if I do... It's nearly a six month training course."  
"So you decided to move in, but you also applied to leave again. What is this service that takes six months to learn?" Clarke was not pleased and Lexa wasn't sure if it was from being woken up or the information she was given.  
"MWD Handler. And after that, I'd probably be -"  
"Lex. Acronyms."  
"Sorry. Military Working Dog."  
"Six months, and then you're bringing home a puppy? I might be ok with this."  
Lexa laughed, covering her mouth quickly when she remembered Raven, asleep on the sofa downstairs. 

"I don't think we can keep it at home, and it probably won't be a puppy, but yes."  
"You woke me up to tell me this?"  
"I was awake, my mind was doing laps, I wanted you to have all the facts." Lexa said apologetically. Clarke sighed and slipped back down under the blankets.  
"It's ok babe. Come here, go back to sleep." Lexa slid down into the sheets, turning to her side, letting Clarke wrap her arm over her from behind. _'Safe.'_ Was all she could think as her eyes became heavy again, mind slowing.  
"I love you, Clarke."  
"If you leave for six months I'm getting myself a puppy, and it's sleeping on your side of the bed."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys!!!! YOU ROCK!!!!  
> Thank you so much for the comments! Here's your reward! :P
> 
> (Sidenote: I have PTSD, but I've never had it actually explained by a doctor, and thus am going on my own experiences, so I probably have facts wrong as far as what Talbot says on the subject.)


	14. Chapter 14

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Party party cute  
> (Super short filler.)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _I'll see you in the future when we're older_   
>  _And we are full of stories to be told_   
>  _Cross my heart and hope to die_   
>  _I'll see you with your laughter lines_

"So what do you teach, Mister Jaha?" Raven took the opportunity of being stranded on the building's joint patio with Lexa and Wells to indulge in some long overdue prying. Lexa was cleaning out the grill, making Raven duck lumps of charcoal when her questions got too personal or she just didn't want to answer.  
"I didn't know we signed up for twenty questions." Wells laughed.  
"We didn't sign up for anything. We refused to go get pedicures and got stuck with party prep." Lexa reminded him, rolling her eyes. 

"You volunteered!" Raven exclaimed, shaking a fistful of wires at Lexa.   
"You could have gone with them." She answered innocently.  
"Those places don't have amputee discounts. I am not paying for two feet when I only have one. You were invited too." Raven countered. Lexa had quickly learned the Griffin-Reyes argument battle royale rules, and much to Raven's dismay, she was good at it.   
"I would rather sit on a landmine. Spas and shopping sprees really aren't my thing." Lexa frowned, the trip to the mall earlier that week had been enough shopping for her for the rest of her life. Not that she hadn't enjoyed watching Clarke try on outfit after outfit.   
"I second that!" Wells called from his place at the snack table. He still wasn't sure why exactly he'd been invited on the Griffin's 'girls outing' this year, but he wasn't going to break his own tradition of being the one to set up for their party to join in. 

"You hush! Unless you're answering my questions!"   
Wells held up his hands in surrender.   
"I teach AP Chemistry at the high school and a statistics course at the remedial." He answered, turning back to the table to try and tape the plastic cloth down against the bay breeze.   
"Damn professor. Aren't you like, my age? Every AP teacher I ever had was some old dude with like four degrees." Raven stopped connecting fuses to her miniature fireworks display to stare at him.   
"I have five degrees."   
Raven dropped her pliers. Lexa, already privy to this information, could only laugh. A speechless Raven was almost as rare as a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow.

"Breathe Raven. He started college at fifteen. Boy genius is gonna save the world one day." Lexa teased.   
"Starting with making illegal fireworks for a private party. Yep, I'm a national treasure."  
"I'm putting all these together and you never thought to tell me they were homemade?!" Raven's shock quickly turned to awe as she took a closer look at the mini mortars she was wiring to the roof.   
"These are amazing." She murmured, admiring the craftsmanship. Wells shook his head with a small laugh, as he watched Raven. Lexa lobbed another chunk of coal at him, wiping the starstruck look from his eyes before Raven noticed. 

"Ow! Easy Terminator!" Wells rubbed his arm where the bricklett had hit him.   
"What did you do?" Raven turner her attention back to her friends, leveling a gaze of blame straight at Wells.   
"Nothing! She's just constantly trying to kill me!" He insisted desperately as he avoided more charcoal bricks that were flying at his direction, laughing all the while.   
"Clearly, he's hiding Sarah Connor from me and I can't complete my mission to ensure the success of Skynet." Lexa joked, trying to maintain seriousness though her smile betrayed her.   
"I wouldn't fight it man, let her hurt you and she buys you fancy things to make up for it later." Raven quipped. The next projectile whistled past her ear.   
"He doesn't know yet!" Lexa frowned at her.  
"I don't know what?"

"Lexa bought you a Shelby." Raven earned a death glare from the marine.   
"What?!"   
"Technically, I just bought a Shelby. I may or may not let you work on it or keep it when it's restored." Lexa rolled her eyes, remaining sarcastic and aloof.   
"Lexa. No. You didn't..."  
"Yeah, I did. It's really not a big deal. I've wanted to work on another car, but I don't exactly have a reason to own more than one."  
"I will pay you back for it." Wells insisted.  
"Don't even try. It's a gift."   
"But-"  
"Nope."

-

"So?"  
"So?" Clarke echoed, as Abby stared at her expectantly.  
"Lexa."  
"No, I'm Clarke, Mom."  
"You're a smartass." Abby laughed.  
"I'm only making sure you aren't confused. I'm your daughter, Lexa is my girlfriend, remember?" Clarke mocked with faux concern. 

"Clarke."  
"Alright, alright... What about Lexa?"   
Abby shook her head, her daughter had somehow retained her father's sense of humor after all the years he'd been gone. "I just want to make sure you know what you're doing. You know I like Lexa, don't frown at me like that, that's not what I mean. But if she's planning to move here with you, I want to be sure you're ready for what you're getting into. You've never lived with a partner before, it's a completely different situation."

"I know. But this has been a great trial run. And I really believe this is the right step." Clarke leaned forward over the table, pushing her milkshake out of the way.   
"You know what the most beautiful thing in the world is, Mom? Seeing a damaged person heal. Watching all of that pain fall away day by day. Every day I wake up to the same person, but every day she's different. Stronger, happier, more alive. I don't want to miss a day of that ever again. I fell in love with Lexa when she was at her worst. I love everything she's becoming, I love who I'm becoming with her. I am absolutely sure this is the right thing to do, that we're ready for this."

Abby's pride spilled into her smile, filling her eyes and forcing her to reach for Clarke's hand.   
"Twenty-five years of mothering and these moments still get me. You surprise me every day, Clarke. When you were born, I swore I could never be more proud than in that moment. I swore the same thing when you gave your valedictorian speech at your high school graduation, and again when you got your Stanford letter. But this, hearing you tell me that you've found happiness and how certain you are, I have never been more proud of you. You've grown into a beautiful, brilliant young woman."  
"Geeze Mom... Did Octavia get this speech?" Clarke was smiling, but her eyes prickled with waiting tears, her mother's praise was hard to take without getting emotional.  
"I never believed Octavia would let a good thing slip away because she was second guessing herself. You've always talked yourself out of good things with doubts and whatever logic fed them, I was worried you would do the same with Lexa."

Clarke scrunched her nose, trying to figure out if she should feel insulted. Abby laughed and patted her hand in the center of their table.  
"What I mean is, when Octavia finds what she wants, she knows it instantly, no second guessing, no hesitation. When you find something good, you have to think about it from every angle, calculate every possible outcome. Neither is wrong, but your way is harder. You're very different people."

"Have you been studying us our whole lives?"  
"I've been raising you your whole lives. I've picked up on a few things." They both laughed, the Griffin family sarcasm killing the sentimental mother/daughter moment.

-

 **Lexa:** Party started without you.  
 **Lexa:** By which I mean, Raven and Wells are already drunk and I can't make them stop flirting with each other.  
 **Lexa:** Make it stop.   
**Clarke:** Oh my god.   
**Lexa:** Which one should I throw over the balcony?  
 **Clarke:** NEITHER!   
**Lexa:** You're no fun.  
 **Clarke:** We're on our way home, try to hold off on the homicide ok?   
**Lexa:** Tia just got here with Connor and Hudson. I have suitable distraction for now. Hurry home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Real life just got kinda super heavy, so I haven't been able to write much.   
> I have a lot planned for this story, but there's a pretty big gap between where we are now, and where I want to be with it.  
>  As always, please leave me your wonderful comments,(I live for them) and sorry for the short chapter. We're gonna time jump ahead for a longer one next time.


	15. Chapter 15

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All is well? No. No it's not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Shaking your head doesn't change this_   
>  _Preparing myself for a train wreck_   
>  _I can't be saved_   
>  _So tell me why can't you see_   
>  _This is where you need to be_   
>  _You know its taken it's toll on me_   
>  _So I'll hope for a miracle_

"Well. I'm not cooking." Clarke collapsed onto the sofa amid the smaller boxes that had nowhere else to go.  
"That's a given. I'm not sure how you survived before I showed up." Lexa teased as she added her books to Clarke's. Clarke could only muster the energy to stick her tongue out at her rude girlfriend.  
"I'll go get us Thai from that place you like if you want." Lexa suggested as Clarke's stomach grumbled its approval.  
"The one all the way in Redwood? Why not just order in?"  
Lexa's eyes lit up with her playful grin.  
"I have a very fast car."  
"And you want an excuse to drive it. Tell me Lexa, do you love that car more than me?" Clarke asked, as serious as a funeral.  
"We-ll..." Lexa drew the word out, tilting her head to consider, calling Clarke's bluff.  
"Lexa!" Clarke cried, balling a spare piece of packing paper and lobbing it at her head.  
"We have a history!" Lexa laughed, returning the paper ball, and missing.  
"Anyway, I have to make sure the moving goons got the Shelby and all my equipment into the garage the right way and that's on the way out to Redwood City."  
"Are you going to let Wells see his car yet?" Clarke rolled her eyes. Lexa hadn't allowed Wells to help with moving boxes and things until after the truck had headed to her rented garage on the edge of town with the mustang.  
"Yeah, why not. Can you get the table cleared while I'm gone?"  
"It all kitchen stuff right? I can do that."  
Lexa pushed herself up and crossed the room.  
"I'll be home soon." She planted a kiss on the top of Clarke's head and reached for her keys.  
"You better be!" Clarke called at Lexa's retreating back. 

-

The drive was quiet for a while as they headed out of town, Wells admiring the car and Lexa just enjoying the purr of the engine.  
"So how do you like officially living in the great state of California?" Wells broke the silence with a laugh.  
"You're not going to give me the schpeel are you?" Lexa eyed him warily.  
"My dad is a senator, it's in my blood!" He protested. Lexa only rolled her eyes, shifting down as they turned onto the gravel drive of her rented garage.  
She pulled up to the number 12 and tossed an extra set of keys to her passenger.  
"She's all yours, go have a look."  
Wells practically jumped to the garage door, using the smaller key on the ring to undo the padlock. He lifted the overhead slowly until Lexa helped him push it all the way up and ducked in to switch the lights.  
"Oh my god. It's beautiful."  
"It's a heap." Lexa countered skeptically. She'd seen the Shelby in the truck, and it really wasn't as bad as she was making it out to be, but she knew Wells would gush to defend his new prize and she liked the idea of making him act like a kid getting a pony for Christmas.  
"It's perfect! Has Raven seen it? She would agree with me. You just don't like Ford because you drive a Chevy." Wells approached the car reverently, running his hands over the scuffed and dented metal like it was made of diamond.  
"Your first thought is Raven huh?" Lexa teased, inspecting the equipment that had been delivered with the car.  
Wells looked away from the car long enough to level a scowl at her.  
"She has better taste than my present company." He sniped back.  
"Your present company bought you that heap, remember? Said company and significant other are also dying to know what went down at that party. Raven won't say a word."  
"And neither will I!"  
"Come on! I bought you a car!"  
"And I might tell you where Sarah Connor is. But you will never know what did or didn't happen at that party."  
"Ass."  
"A man must have his secrets."  
They both laughed, unable to keep the banter serious any longer, and Lexa gave up on ever finding out what had happened after she and Clarke had gone to bed that night.  
_'Maybe Clarke will have better luck someday.'_

-

_Strike leader signaled for a stop and the squad assumed a weapons ready crouch alongside the building. It was dark, but the clay wall was still warm from the day's sun and she resisted leaning against it to fight the desert's evening chill._  
_"Lieutenant."_  
_"Sir?" She moved forward to the Lieutenant Commander's side. Anya._  
_"Scout ahead, find us a route and cover us if it gets hairy."_  
_"Yes sir."_  
_"And Lexa," She turned back and Anya was no longer in her Navy utility uniform, but her full dress whites. The uniform she'd been buried in._  
_"If you're going to die, do it right."_  
_Lexa could only nod dumbly. After a moment, Anya was back in Combat uniform and Lexa shouldered her rifle to draw her side arm. She made her way across the streets and alleys silently, signalling for the rest of her unit to move forward when she found a better hold location, then moving on._

_They reached the back of the building that was their target and Anya signalled her across the street for covering fire when the rest of the team stormed the building. Scaling the opposite wall and setting up her rifle, Lexa watched Anya separate their unit into teams and signal them to their assigned places for the assault. She took the front with two others and Lexa trained her sights just over her commanding officer's shoulder. She heard the count in her ear, Anya's voice over the short wave communications. When Anya stopped the count at four and continued with her fingers Lexa took a deep breath, finger testing the trigger of her gun, ready to take out whatever stood in her sister's way. But Anya never put the last finger down, never threw the door wide, never got her gun up. The door exploded outwards, wood and metal ripping into Anya's shoulder and arm where she had been reaching for the door handle. She went down and her men were thrown back, either burned or similarly torn by shrapnel. There was chaos inside and Lexa couldn't find a target so she fired. Again and again, until a boot slammed into her face. She rolled away from her gun, lights blooming behind her eyes, curling up against the next blows to her ribs and stomach._

_When the beating stopped and she opened her eyes, Anya's glazed eyes stared back at her, lifeless._  
_"That's right. She's dead." Her attacker spoke behind her_  
_"And you couldn't save her. All those men you killed couldn't save her. All the screaming and crying in the world won't bring her back, so don't you dare even try."_  
_"I was-" Another kick cut her off as she turned away from her sister._  
_"You weren't there. That's right you weren't there and you couldn't save her." The voice was familiar now, and though there was malice in his tone, Lexa also heard the echoes of what that voice had told her at Anya's funeral. Those same words. She looked up at the face that owned the boot that had destroyed her ribs. Lincoln stared down at her in a stolen Iraqi guard uniform. They were in the bunker now, not the rooftop, her gun was gone and her feet and hands were bound. And Lincoln was beating her._

"No! Lincoln! I wasn't there! I wasn't there, I wasn't there, I couldn't do anything. NO!" Lexa screamed, thrashing against the sheets she'd tangled herself in. Clarke kneeled next to her on the bed, trying to wake her while staying clear of flailing limbs. 

_And then he wasn't. A bullet between his eyes dropped him in a heap in front of her and suddenly the ropes that held her were being cut. She was helped up ungracefully and all she noticed at first was the Navy Seals uniform, the tac gear and kevlar vest, and the assault rifle that had killed her brother. The Seal that had rescued her set her down on a plush sofa and suddenly she was in Clarke's living room, her living room. The boxes were gone and her few things were settled amongst Clarke's like they belonged. The Seal had removed their helmet when Lexa's gaze fell on them again. But it wasn't a Seal anymore. It was Clarke. The helmet remained on their coffee table but Clarke sat where her rescuer sat, worried expression marring her beautiful face._  
_"You have to wake up Lexa."_

"You have to wake up Lexa." Clarke repeated again. Her voice seemed to have finally broken through the nightmare and Lexa had stopped thrashing.  
"You killed him." She was murmuring now, shaking her head slowly against her pillow.  
"Lexa! Lexa, you need to wake up now. You're scaring me. Lexa!" Clarke gripped her shoulders and shook her once, and again until her eyes flew open.  
Lexa gripped Clarke's forearms that still held her down until her muscles relaxed again.  
"You killed him." She whispered, her mind still trapped in the dream reality.  
"I didn't kill anyone Lex. It was a nightmare. You're safe baby, you're home. Breathe." Clarke spoke quietly, smoothing Lexa's sweat soaked hair away from her face.  
"Home." Lexa repeated  
"Yes. Home. Where is home Lexa?" Clarke pressed gently, making Lexa focus.  
"California." Lexa stuttered. "Palo Alto."  
"Okay. Good. Hey, you're safe. Lexa, you're safe." Clarke pulled Lexa into her arms, noting the small flinch a second before Lexa relaxed into her embrace.  
The balcony door rattled with a loud, urgent knock and Lexa jumped out of Clarke's arms again, staring wide-eyed into the darkness where the door was.  
"Clarke? Lexa?" Wells called through the wood.  
"Stay here. It's ok. I promise. It's just Wells." Clarke squeezed Lexa's hand and rushed to the door, leaning around it as she opened it slightly.  
"I heard screams." Wells looked worried and tired, but was bouncing on the balls of his feet in adrenaline fueled anxiety.  
Clarke cleared her throat slightly to shake the rattle from her voice, trying to sound in control.  
"Lexa had a nightmare. It's alright, I've got it under control."  
"You're shaking. Let me help. Please?"  
"Wells..." Clarke hesitated.  
"Let him in." Lexa called weakly from the bed, her voice cracking, her throat raw.  
Clarke nodded and stepped aside, ushering her friend in and following him into the room, switching the lights on as she passed the switch. 

Wells sat cautiously on the opposite corner of the bed, giving Lexa her space. She was sitting now, forehead resting on pulled up knees. Clarke climbed back to her place next to her but remembered the flinch a moment before reaching for her and restrained herself, hugging her own knees instead.  
"I'm sorry." Lexa said quietly, not looking up.  
"Lexa, it's not your fault, you don't have to apologize." Clarke wanted desperately to reach out and hold her or rub her back, anything to comfort her while she was so vulnerable, but she knew she couldn't until Lexa allowed.  
"Do you want to tell us about it? Or tell Clarke? I can go. I'll make us some coffee, yeah?" Wells spoke softly, waiting for Lexa to nod before getting up. He patted Clarke's shoulder and headed downstairs. Lexa waited until she could hear the machine whirring to life before falling into Clarke's side, letting herself be wrapped in loving arms.  
"It's a different dream now isn't it?" Clarke asked, knowing the answer. Lexa nodded against her shoulder.

"They never told me exactly how Anya died. They said she died well, a hero. But the mission was a failure. I looked it up later at the academy, she died for nothing. Sometimes I see it happen, like I was there. Like I could have done something, but I didn't, and then I'm in the bunker and they're blaming me for it." She choked.  
"Who's blaming you?"  
"One of the men who captured me. Except that then, they aren't. They become someone else. Sometimes it's my father, or even Anya, sometimes it's me. But this time..."  
"It was Lincoln?" Clarke asked, putting the pieces together. Lexa nodded again.  
"Telling me I wasn't there and I couldn't save her, not to cry. Beating it into me. And then the Navy came and put a bullet in his head. But it was you. The Seal the rescues me never has a face, but this time, it was you." 

Clarke didn't know what to say. She understood why Lexa had seemed afraid of her when she'd woken, but understanding didn't give her answers.  
"May I offer a theory?" Wells stepped up the stairs from where he'd been listening. Clarke glared at him for eavesdropping, but was thankful for his intervention.  
"I knew you were listening." Lexa acknowledged flatly, rotating her hand in a 'carry on' motion. 

"Dreams are your subconscious trying to sort out problems in your life right? Yours manifest as night terrors because of the PTSD, but they're still dreams. They're still trying to tell you something." He resumed his place on the corner of the bed.  
"The people that show up as the terrorists, they're always family or someone you care about right?" Lexa nodded, lifting her head to watch him warily.  
"Those people, they've all told you it wasn't your fault, or that you couldn't have been there or stopped it, before haven't they? That's what you tell a grieving kid, it's the truth. But you don't believe it. So your nightmares are beating it into you. You hear it as blame because you blame yourself, that's why it's you sometimes, but it's supposed to be reassurance." Clarke was watching him, slack jawed and blinking, while Lexa sat unmoved, soaking in his words, hearing the logic in the very back of her mind.

"You haven't had a nightmare like this since you got here have you?" He asked, pausing.  
"The last one this bad was just before I was supposed to deploy back to Afghanistan." Lexa answered, feeling very much like she was in Talbot's office and not her own bed.  
"That makes sense. The stress of change triggers the PTSD. Right before you get deployed, the night you officially move in with Clarke, big changes."  
"Ok, Doc. Why is the faceless Seal suddenly Clarke?" Lexa asked, reluctant to believe him, but finding his conclusions plausible.  
"I'm taking a stab in the dark here, but you haven't had anyone to trust with this before have you? And Clarke makes you feel safe. She's the Seal because she stopped your doubt. You haven't had nightmares like this while you've been here because Clarke saved you from that doubt."  
"And this just happened because I'm stressed about moving here? I'm not."  
"Not outwardly. But your subconscious... It has, for lack of a better term, a hair trigger."  
"Are you pulling all of this out of your ass Wells? How do you know any of this?" Clarke finally spoke, still bewildered.  
"I have a minor in behavioral psychology Clarke. And I believe I've attended quite a few seminars led by Lexa's Doctor Talbot."  
"You never thought to mention that you know my doctor?" Lexa lowered an accusatory glare at him.  
"I didn't want to make things weird. Which, now they are. Not my best decision." Wells shrugged sheepishly, offering a weak smile.  
"No. Thank you. I've never been able to see the logic in the nightmares, never tried, to be honest. I appreciate it. Really." Lexa managed to return the smile, equally as weak, but it reached her eyes and Wells knew she meant what she said.  
"I'll go get the coffee." He exited quickly, leaving them alone for real this time. 

"Clarke, I -"  
"Don't apologize Lexa. It's ok."  
"It's not." Lexa pulled away, sitting on her own.  
"It's not ok. I scared you. If I'd had a gun... I could have hurt you, Clarke. If this happens again, you need to get as far away from me as possible. I'm dangerous. I couldn't live with myself if I hurt you." She was pleading now, the thought of how the night could have gone if they were in her old apartment at Quantico where she slept with a gun at her bedside, was more terrifying than the nightmares.  
"No. That's bullshit Lexa! I am not leaving your side. If this happens again, I'm going to be right here to pull you back. We're fighting this together. I am not running away from you. Not now, not ever. Don't you dare ask me to!"  
Lexa had never guessed that Clarke could scare her, especially not in a sports bra and gym shorts, but the fire in her voice and in her eyes was something she'd never seen before. It was the rage of a wounded animal, she recognized. Trying to push Clarke away for her own safety, not believing that Clarke could protect herself, could protect her, that was the greatest pain she could have inflicted on her. 

She sighed a ragged breath, hanging her head.  
"Clarke, I. I-"  
"Yeah, you fucked up there." Clarke pulled her into a hug, holding her close.  
"Just don't do it again." She laughed gently into Lexa's ear, placing a soft kiss on her neck.  
"I love you Lexa."  
"I love you too Clarke. Thank you. Thank you for saving me."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> getting back into some heavier stuff. I bet you were wondering what happened to Lexa's nightmares. 
> 
> Comments are <3  
> GIMME! :D


	16. Chapter 16

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Progress Progress Progress as Promised

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _You know I loved a girl_   
>  _Who said that I could change the world_   
>  _If only I was brave enough_   
>  _To live the life in front of me_

"Are you sure you're going to be okay here alone while I'm gone?"  
"Clarke, I've survived a war, four days alone is a cakewalk. And Wells is right next door if I have an episode. You need to focus on the Bar, I'll be fine." Lexa opened the driver's door of Clarke's car, giving her a stern look that said "get in the car before I have to put you in it". 

"I don't want to leave you." Clarke said quietly, moving to stand in front of the open door, but still refusing to get inside.  
"I would come with you if I could, but I can't miss an appointment. And we have had this conversation a hundred times, you are stalling." Lexa wrapped Clarke in a final hug before ducking her into the driver's seat of her car.  
"Call me when you get to your hotel, and I will reassure you once again that I will be fine."  
"You're so mean." Clarke pushed out her lower lip, buckling her seatbelt despite the protests.  
"Yes. And I will continue until you come back here as a fancy bonafide attorney at law. Now go kick that test's ass." Lexa leaned into the car for one last kiss, the thousands from that morning, between waking and getting Clarke out the door to the car, just not quite enough. 

Tough talk aside, she was loathe to be alone in their apartment only a week after signing herself onto the lease. But she was also never one to back down from a challenge or test, so she put on a brave face for Clarke and made sure she was as at ease as possible about leaving, so she wouldn't have added stress on top of the Bar exam. 

She watched the car pull out of the gate house before returning to their front door, catching Wells watching from his doorstep.  
"You're a creep, you know that right?" She jabbed lightly, wandering over to him, grateful that she had an excuse to put off going inside to wonder at the emptiness of it with Clarke gone.  
"You two are gross, so I think I'm allowed to be a creep." He teased. He made space and Lexa sat next to him, staring off at her car and the empty space next to it where Clarke's had been.  
"So what are you gonna do?" Wells asked, tilting his head to avoid the early morning sunlight glaring off of the Chevelle's windshield.  
"I think I'm going to call my brother." She didn't sound certain, like the idea only came to her as the words were leaving her mouth. Her friend raised his brows, slightly stunned. She had fought him on the idea of talking to Lincoln after he had appeared in her nightmare, so much so that they spent the next day working on the Shelby in total silence.  
"Don't look at me like that, you know I'm stubborn as fuck, you're the one who said it."  
"I also said 'call your brother'."  
"Yeah yeah, I'm doing it now, go teach your class professor." She shoved his shoulder and stood, Raven's nickname drawing a smile from her friend. She rolled her eyes at him as she grabbed his briefcase and headed to his own car. The front door was left behind again as she decided to walk around the complex as she dialed Lincoln's number. 

"Lexa? Holy hell, my baby sister actually called me." Lincoln answered with a chuckle.  
"Hey Linc. I've been meaning to call, I swear. It's just been a whirlwind." Lincoln had a way of instantly dismissing any tension she had.  
"Yeah, you know, I got a call from my mother-in-law a few weeks ago telling me that you were moving to California to live with my wife's sister. I figured I'd hear from you sooner or later." He teased.  
"Sorry it was later. How are things with you two?" Her nerve was suddenly gone again, banished by the guilt of putting this conversation off for so long and being called on it.  
"Nope."  
"Nope?"  
"You tell me what you called to say first." Lincoln said lightly, knowing he'd caught his sister off guard.  
"Abby might have also mentioned you had something important to tell me." He confessed to her silent end of the call.  
"Of course she did."  
"She didn't say what, don't worry, I know nothing. Yet. Please change that. What's up Lex?" He was suddenly grave, assuming the worst. Lexa took a deep breath.  
"So... I obviously didn't go back to Afghanistan."

-

  
**Patient name:** Alexandria Heda **Rank:** Capt. USMC  
**Diagnosis:** PTSD- psychosomatic stress **Session:** 16 - Monday **Treatment:** Continued Therapy

**Provisional acceptance to training program at Lackland pending psych eval. ***do not mention until after session/testing*** *  
First time away from partner since starting treatment - four days - monitor for night terrors  
Opening up to others - brother, friends -excellent progress

"Lexa! Excellent, you got Maya's message." Talbot was sorting a large stack of papers when Lexa entered the office, clearly not as prepared as she normally was.  
"Good morning Doc. What's the occasion?" She sat stiffly, dress blues making her feel almost out of place in the now familiar room.  
"I know you normally come to your appointments in greens or utilities, but I've arranged for a service evaluation this morning, blues look better for the panel."  
Lexa's eyes widened.  
"I couldn't tell you ahead of time, you're clever enough to fake your way through a scheduled review. I hope you understand." Talbot offered a knowing smirk with the underhanded compliment, trying not to show that she was proud of her patient for being capable of such a thing.

"I would be offended, but I did manage to avoid having to come here for a year, so I suppose you're right." Lexa laughed.  
"I have to ask though, you really think I'm ready for an evaluation? Even after the episode last week?"  
"Captain," Talbot was all professional now, her casual demeanor that she had adopted sometime in the last two weeks, had vanished.  
"Our goal here has never been to 'cure' your PTSD, simply because it isn't possible. You will always have episodes and nightmares. Our goal is to make sure you can handle them when they happen, and hopefully, decrease how often they occur. You're ready for a review. Your methods of coping and your progress as far as being open about your experience are well beyond what I expected the first time you walked into this office."

Lexa could only offer a stunned "oh" for a moment as the praise sunk in.  
"Would you like to catch me up on your weekend before you the panel is ready for you?" The doctor pressed gently.  
"Well, Clarke left for the Bar, and I finally called my brother this morning. But this weekend was mostly working on the car and making sure Clarke was ready for the test. Pretty uneventful. No nightmares. Oh, and I'm finally all unpacked." She knew what Talbot would ask before she finished speaking, but she wanted to try to maintain the lighter feeling she had felt since talking to her brother, and not dive into all the deeper psychology just yet.

"Clarke's going to Sacramento for the Bar? You've said she's what keeps you present, are you worried about being separated?" Right on cue.  
"Scared to death. But there's nothing I can do about it. We can't be attached at the hip for the rest of our lives just to keep me sane." Lexa answered, rotating her cap in her hands.  
"I honestly think she would drop everything with no hesitation if I asked her to stay, but she's worked so hard for this, I couldn't do that to her. She has to be reminded to put herself first most days."  
"You two seem to take very good care of each other. You're lucky. I think I would like to talk to both of you together sometime. If that would be something you would both be comfortable with, of course." Talbot smiled gently.  
"I think she'd really appreciate that opportunity actually. I know she's got some questions for you." Lexa remembered all the times she'd come home to Clarke's curiosity, unable to give her a satisfactory answer. 

"It's great that she's invested in your treatment. Support is very important. How did your brother respond when you talked to him this morning?" Lexa was always impressed with Talbot's smooth segues.  
"He was, sad, I think. My sister-in-law was furious, but she's the kind that likes to be told everything upfront. She was mostly upset that Clarke didn't tell her anything." Lexa chuckled, Octavia's childlike frustration at being left out of the loop was actually endearing. It was her way of expressing that she cared and wanted to be there for her. 

"After Anya," Lexa paused, "died," She made herself say finally.  
"After that, I kinda shut Lincoln out. We used to be really close. I think he blames himself for that, thinks he should have tried harder or something, I don't know. I feel bad that I couldn't tell him sooner, and that I asked him to break it to Mom, but I think he understands that I just wasn't ready. He invited us out for Christmas."  
There was a sharp knock at the door.  
"Ma'am, Captain? They're ready." Talbot opened the door to a young corporal in charlies. Lexa stood and fitted her cap, receiving a salute.  
"Your lead, Corporal."

-

"Pick up pickuppickuppickup." Clarke muttered, rolling to her stomach on the hotel bed.  
"You've reached Captain Lexa Heda, please leave a message and I will get back to you as soon as I am able." The voicemail picked up.  
"Nooooo." Clarke whined at the screen as she pulled the phone away from her ear to hang up. She knew she could leave a message, but she wanted to hear Lexa's voice. The entire three hour drive north had been drowned out by Criminal Dropship (and their new unreleased album, courtesy of Connor) so that Clarke couldn't think about who she was driving away from.  
She was about to dial again when Lexa's face filled her screen, accompanied by a harsh vibration. 

"Lex! Hey baby!" Clarke picked up immediately.  
"Hey sweetheart, sorry I couldn't answer, I was in an evaluation panel. Did you make it to Sacramento?" It was covered with a slight static crackle, but it was Lexa. Clarke smiled despite herself, feeling lighter.  
"I'm at the hotel, I have an hour before the first section of the exam starts. Evaluation panel?" Clarke answered before she formulated everything she wanted to say, thrown by the unexpected reason behind Lexa's inability to answer the phone.  
"The doc thought I was ready for a service review. I think I did pretty well." Clarke could hear her smile in her voice, but instead of the excitement she knew she should feel for her, she felt only dread. She would be going back to active duty soon.  
"Do you think they're going to send you out again?" Clarke asked hesitantly.  
"Not- hold on." Lexa was cut off and the next few sentences were muffled. 

"Lexa?" Clarke asked when there was silence again.  
"I passed the review. I was accepted to MWD handler training." Lexa responded in awe.  
"I'm going to be reinstated."  
Clarke's stomach dropped.  
"That's. That's great babe. I'm... Really proud of you. God I wish I was home to celebrate with you. Make Wells take you out tonight for me ok?" She caught herself stuttering and forced as much reassurance into her voice as she could.  
"Hey. It's gonna be ok Clarke, I'm not deploying overseas again remember?"  
_'Of course she caught it.'_ Clarke scolded herself for the hesitation. 

"Six months though... Lex..."  
"We made it eight months before, remember?" Lexa reminded her.  
"Yeah, after we'd been together for three days. This is different." She knew she was whining, but the stress of her exam in an hour on top of the idea of being separated from Lexa for so long was making her anxious.  
"You're right. This is different. This time, I'm coming home to our apartment.This time, I'm not so broken, Clarke." Lexa replied calmly. She muffled the phone again, responding to someone on her end of the call. Clarke pictured her pressing a thumb over the speaker as she'd seen her do before.  
"Sorry. I'm back." Lexa returned after a moment.  
"Talbot." She explained shortly. 

"Are you done for the day?" Clarke asked, hoping to avoid the subject for now.  
"Yeah. I'm headed to the garage, then I promised Lincoln I would call Mom. The apartment feels empty with you gone." Her voice softened, sad, as she finished.  
"You talked to Lincoln?"  
"Yeah. Going into our home without you was the greater of the two things I didn't want to do this morning, so I called Lincoln. Octavia has some strong words for you for leaving her out of the loop, but I convinced her to hold them in until after your exam." Lexa laughed and Clarke heard the wind die down as a car door shut.  
"Are you ready?" She asked before Clarke could find another opening to complain.  
"I can only read my notes so many times before they spontaneously combust, so I'm as ready as I'll ever be." She responded, almost automatically.  
"You'll do great. I know you will."  
"I hope you're right."  
"You know I am."  
"I love you."  
"I love you too. Call me tonight ok?"  
"I will. Congratulations babe."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Moar Comments!!!! :p  
> no really, you guys make me happy. Thanks for reading. :D


	17. Chapter 17

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone needs someone to talk to

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _You're not drowning_   
>  _You're not lost_   
>  _You're not broken_   
>  _You're not starcrossed_

"Gray, Griffin, Harper, Heathers, Jackson..."   
Clarke took the seat the proctor pointed at, sighing heavily as she settled into the chair.   
"Nervous?" The girl next to her, another recent graduate from the looks of her, asked quietly as the proctor rattled off the rest of the alphabet.  
"You know the pass rate for the California bar is normally between thirty five and fifty five percent, right? Half of us aren't leaving this conference center with a passing grade." Maybe it was the insane amount of security, or knowing Lexa would be leaving soon, but Clarke was already in a foul mood.   
Her neighbor leaned away, slightly offended.

"Oh. Kay."  
"Sorry." Clarke pinched the bridge of her nose. "Stress. I turn into a bitch. Personal life shit on top of this, you know."   
"I get it, believe me. What they didn't teach us in law school is that it's actually illegal for life to be fair, and if you have something crazy important to focus on, you're going to run out of gas, get a flat and break a nail all on the same day. In the rain. The universe is out to screw us." She laughed, earning a glare from Heathers on her other side.   
"Liz Harper. Just Harper actually. I hate 'Liz', everyone is named Liz."  
"Not me." Clarke laughed, taking the offered handshake.   
"I'm Clarke."   
"Kudos to your parents for being original." Harper nodded approvingly.   
"I'll pass that on to my mother when I call her tonight in tears after I choke on these essays." Clarke rolled her eyes.  
"How about drinks before sad phone calls? I'm gonna need a few."   
"Sounds like a plan." 

-

"Hey! You showed!" Harper waved Clarke over to her table.  
"I am not passing up drinks after that disaster. Twelve hour depositions, I can do. Talking a guilty man off of death row, I can do. Essays, I can not do."   
"You have got to learn how to breathe." Harper noted, pushing an empty glass at her new friend and filling it from her pitcher.   
"You sound like my girlfriend." Clarke drank and breathed a small laugh. She dug her phone from her purse as she remembered the call she had promised Lexa.   
"I need to call her actually, would you mind? Sorry, I know that's really rude..."  
"Nah, you're cool. Personal life shit right?"   
Clarke nodded gratefully as she put the phone to her ear to listen to the rings. 

"Hey Clarke."  
"Wells?" She pulled the phone away from her ear for a second to check if she'd hit the right speed dial icon. She had.  
"Yeah, Lexa made me answer. She's kinda in the middle of rebuilding an engine from memory and refuses to speak. Like, at all. She threw the phone at me."   
"What the hell did you do?"  
"Why does everyone always think I did something?" Wells asked, exasperated.   
"Hold on."

"Hey hon." Lexa's voice came across the line.  
"Everything is fine, I just can't lose my place in this or the car will never run again. Can I call you back later?"   
"Hey- yeah. I'm getting drinks with a friend actually, and I'm going to call it a day after that. Call you in the morning?" She was disappointed, sure, but at least she had beer and company to cope with being blown off for an engine. It was like trying to have a conversation with Raven when she was at her shop.  
"Alright, have fun. Night Clarke, I love you." And she was gone. Clarke threw her phone into the bottom of her bag in frustration. Scowling, she jumped up and walked to the bar, waving a 'one second' hand signal at Harper as she left the table.   
She returned with a tray of shots, three apiece. 

"Trouble in paradise?" Her friend raised an eyebrow, mirroring Clarke's move to throw a shot back before she got a reply.   
"Flat tire, out of gas, broken nail, right? It's just bad timing." She thumped her glass down, shaking her head.   
"She's fixing a car with my best friend." She closed her eyes and tried again.  
"Not that that's the problem, its great actually. But she got some big news today and we haven't had a chance to talk about it, and now the car is taking priority." She knew she shouldn't be frustrated, but it had been a long day.   
"Ouch." Harper held up another glass, waiting for Clarke to tap it with her own.   
"Have you been together long?" She asked, coughing as the liquor went down with a burn.  
"Just over eight months. Long distance until this month. She got a transfer last week and moved in with me, so its kinda a lot all at once."   
"Wow. And you don't think that's a big decision for eight months?" 

Clarke stared into her beer, contemplating.  
"Honestly?"  
"Should I swear you in?" Harper laughed, reaching for an imaginary bible under the table. Clarke chuckled, relaxing into her chair, feeling the alcohol starting to work on her tense muscles.  
"I know it's clichéd, but she's the one. But then, I don't know, I get this stupid doubt that says I can't handle this life that I'm going to have to adjust to to be with her and maybe I just want it so badly that I'm making up this certainty."  
She wrinkled her nose, replaying her sentence. "Does that make sense?"  
"Everything except all of it." Harper joked. "No it does, I think. What life do you have to adjust to? That doesn't really sound healthy. If we're being honest on the stand here."   
"She's a Marine."  
"Oh.."  
"With PTSD."   
"Ooohhhhh..." Harper downed her last shot.  
"Shit got heavy." She said, tapping her glass down for emphasis.  
Clarke let herself laugh fully, finally relaxing.   
"Now you see why I snapped at you this morning."   
"Yeah, I can see how your nerves are a bit fried."

"I mean, she's worth it, really, she is. It's just hard. She's been getting treatment for the PTSD and she's doing so much better, but I guess I'm worried that she's going to change too much?"  
"You're scared you won't like her as well when she's not 'traumatized' or whatever?" Harper reflected in the pause.  
"Or that she won't need me anymore? That's bad isn't it?" Clarke flinched.  
"A bit, yeah. But understandable."   
"But I'm a shit girlfriend."  
"Nah. Come on. That's got to be one of the hardest relationship obstacles to overcome in the history of ever. Isn't everyone afraid of their significant other suddenly being unrecognizable as the same person they fell for? And you're watching it happen. The questions you have to ask are pretty easy. Is the change good or bad? Is this better than it was yesterday or last week or last month? If the answer is bad, or no, that's when you have to rethink where things are going." Harper gestured as she spoke, glass in hand. She was convincing, Clarke decided, she was definitely going to be in the passing half of their testing group.

Clarke nodded and threw back her last shot.   
"Excellent closing arguments. The jury is in, verdict: Clarke is vastly unprepared for life in general."   
Harper laughed.  
"The accused is sentenced to a long talk with her girlfriend and is hereby barred from being hard on herself."   
"Thanks Harper. I didn't mean to drop all that on you, you're a champ." Clarke said after she recovered from her laughter.   
"No big deal. Honestly. My mom works at a women's shelter, I have a lot of dating advice to mindlessly repeat. Healthy Relationships one-oh-one is basically printed on the inside of my skull."   
"Good information to have." Clarke noted  
"Yeah, well, 'Harper Law and Relationship Advice' just doesn't have a great ring to it." She made a face.   
"Yeah maybe not. You're wanting to start your own practice?" Clarke was interested to learn more about her new friend after practically spilling her guts to her.  
"That's the dream. I'd need a partner though. My family is in San Diego, so I'm thinking of moving back there, but the market is pretty well cornered down there, so there's no way I could make it on my own. I really don't want to tank and have to fall back on my parents. Kinda a waste of a law degree." 

"Well I'll hit you up if we ever move to San Diego." Clarke joked.  
"Hell yeah! Harper and Griffin, Avocados at Law!"  
"Ha! Have you been watching Daredevil?"   
"Lawyer superhero? Of course I've been watching Daredevil! My life after college is Netflix. Now, the big question, this is important, do you want to be Nelson or Murdock?"  
She sounded dead serious under her grin.   
"Come on, is that even a question? I'm totally Murdock!"  
"Excellent. Cheers!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've kinda neglected Clarke. My bad. :p
> 
> I love your feedback guys, you're all so amazing! Last chapter broke 10k hits! I am floored. <3


	18. Chapter 18

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> One short chapter, coming up. Would you like some steam with that?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Everywhere they go_   
>  _They grab your hand and don't let go_   
>  _Try and make you stay_   
>  _They embrace you_   
>  _Give you everything you need_   
>  _But they don't understand_

"Yeah, that's not over the top." Costia rolled her eyes and passed Lexa the wrench she'd absently asked for.  
"It's an idea." Lexa said grumpily.  
Costia went back to her own car, flipping her pliers out of her pocket to continue changing wires. 

"I still don't get why you're putting yourself through this. I thought you said everything was fine with you two."  
"I want to be sure, is that wrong? I keep screwing up and now I'm going to be leaving, and I want to be sure I cover as many apologies as I can before that."  
Lexa managed to finally get the wheel she was struggling with off of its axle and roll it to wall of the garage, before Costia spoke again with a sigh.

"Are you really going to spend the rest of your life apologizing for things you might have done, X?"  
"I'm going to have to weld in a new wheel well. Damnit!" Lexa ignored the question, hoping she wouldn't have to answer.  
"Lexa!" Costia pressed, exasperated with her old friend.  
"I don't know Tia!" Lexa snapped in return. After a deep breath, collecting herself again, she added,  
"This is new territory for me, ok?" It hurt to admit.  
"Have you really not dated between me and Clarke?" Costia had never asked.  
"Pretty much. Nothing serious at least. I was kind of a mess if you recall. I still am." Lexa sighed.

Clarke would be home in a few hours and she still hadn't come up with the right words to apologize for the missed phone calls or the right welcome home celebratory date. Costia was trying to help, which was big of her, or would be if she wasn't shutting down every idea Lexa put out. Of course, she was probably right, there was probably no need for any of this worry Lexa had built up.

She slumped down against the side of Wells' car, brushing rust flakes off her hands.  
"You aren't a mess. I mean, you've got your shit more together than I do at least. And Clarke loves you, I think she can let a couple slip ups slide."  
"And me leaving for six months? I applied for the training thinking I would have so much more time on suspension, but I leave in two weeks. It's all happening so fast. I know she wants me to just retire, get a normal job, be here and not halfway across the country or the world."  
"Of course she does. But she knows that's not you. She has to know that. She can't blame you for being yourself."  
"Can I?"  
"Not if I have anything to say about it." Costia tossed a clipped off wire connector at Lexa, pinging it off the side of the mustang as she missed, earning a small scowl. 

"You are so emo, X. I'm starting to think you're the one who's going to have the bigger problem with you being in Texas for six months. Just do what you have to do and come back as soon as you can. There's literally nothing else you can do." She fitted her new stereo into place and snapped the plastic faceplate into place.  
"Look, I've go to get to rehearsal. Are you going to be ok?"  
Lexa levered herself up, moving to collect her uniform from the workbench.  
"I'll be fine, Costia. I'm over reacting, I know. I should head home and at least make dinner though." She sighed again.  
"Alright. Try not to be so hard on yourself, ok? Just talk to her." Costia closed her door and turned the engine over, expertly maneuvering out of the garage, past the Chevelle and down the road. 

-

"What smells amazing?" The door opened with a question and Lexa jumped.  
"That would be your favorite lasagna on the table waiting for you. I meant to have the wine poured and candles lit, but I didn't see you pull in." Lexa's pleased smile turned to a pout, realizing her plan had been foiled.  
"Lexa! You didn't have to do all that! All you have to do is come over here and kiss me." Clarke laughed, dropping her duffle and kicking off her shoes. She was still dressed for court, the prescribed dress code for the Bar, and Lexa had to make herself focus before reacting, tearing her eyes away from the tailored business suit and the curves that it hugged so wonderfully.

"I can do that." She grinned and stepped into Clarke's waiting arms.  
"I missed you." She whispered against Clarke's neck as she bent into the hug, pulling back quickly to meet Clarke's lips when she hummed happily into her ear.  
"I missed you too. Six months is going to be really hard." Clarke frowned, the thought breaking the kiss before she could speak.  
"Shhhh. We will talk about that later. First, eat. I'll get the wine. We are celebrating your successful entrance into the world of professionals!" Lexa covered Clarke's mouth with a stern look then turned a goofy grin on her as she pulled back and guided her to the table.  
"I won't know the results for months!" Clarke protested, taking her usual chair, eyes following Lexa to the kitchen.  
"There is no way you didn't pass. Just enjoy that it's over at least." Lexa returned with a bottle and poured two glasses before sitting at her own place. 

"So..." Clarke broke the quiet after a few minutes of quiet eating.  
"How's the car going?" She asked hesitantly.  
"Shit. You are mad at me." Lexa squeezed her eyes shut, setting her fork across her plate, apatite gone.  
"No!" Clarke almost jumped out of her seat in an attempt to reassure her.  
"No no no, I'm not mad! I'm not. I promise. I just- you said we'd talk, and I didn't know how to bring it up and-" She gave up when she heard herself starting to ramble, looking across the table with sad, pleading eyes. Lexa reached across the table with a heavy sigh and Clarke wrapped her hand in both of hers.  
"I leave in two weeks." Lexa confessed quietly. "I just got the orders this morning." She felt Clarke tense and hung her head, dreading the look she knew would be on her girlfriend's face.  
"I know you hate this. I don't want to leave, believe me, but I have to do this." Lexa tried to explain but she was shushed before she could get worked up.  
"Lex. It's ok. I understand. Me saying that it's going to suck, is not me saying that I don't want you to do it."  
"You want me to go?"  
"I want you to do whatever you feel like you need to do. For you. Not for anyone else, not me, not Anya or your father, just for you. I haven't been supportive of that and I'm sorry. I was scared, but I know it's stupid. I know you're going to come back to me."

-

By the time the bottle was empty and plates were cleared, everything was back to normal and neither of them could even remember the awkward start to that evening's conversation. Worries and concerns came out easily and were resolved quickly, and soon the topic was left behind in favor of stories from the trip to the capital and Clarke's new friend, Harper. With the move from the dinner table to the sofa came kisses. With kisses and wine addled minds, clothes met the floor.  
"How's this for therapy?" Clarke asked as she pushed Lexa into the cushions, her voice husky with want and wine.  
"Much more pleasant." Lexa sighed contentedly as Clark moved to sit on her hips which she bucked to find the pressure and friction she needed.  
"Oh! Talbot wants you to come to our session tomorrow." Lexa was reminded suddenly.  
"Please don't mention Talbot while we're doing this." Clarke scolded, lifting herself up slightly to deprive Lexa of the pressure she was enjoying so greatly as punishment.  
"My lips are sealed."  
"They better not be." Clarke leaned forward for a kiss and Lexa turned her head, pressing her lips into a thin lined smirk.  
"What am I going to do with you?" She shook her head at Lexa's antics and was rewarded with a wicked smile and Lexa pulling at her waist, drawing herself up .  
"Stop making me talk so I can concentrate." Lexa suggested raising her eyebrows, trailing a line of gentle bites from Clarke's ear to her chest until she relaxed into her arms with a long, slow breath, pushing wayward curls back behind Lexa's ears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And now I get to hopefully put down parts that have been floating around in my drive (and mind) for ages!
> 
> There are teasers, extras and "BTS" stuff on my tumblr, also, open asks so you can good me with questions or whatever... so be sure to follow that .  
> And as always, I wanna hear your thoughts!


	19. Chapter 19

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Puppies!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _I know I took the path that you would never want for me_   
>  _I know I let you down didn't I_   
>  _So many sleepless nights where you were waiting up on me_

**Lexa:** are you at the computer?  
 **Clarke:** I can be...  
 **Clarke:** it better be worth getting out of bed for though  
 **Lexa:** just get on Skype. As if my face wasn't worth getting out of bed for. :p  
 **Clarke:** you make a strong argument. 

Clarke pulled herself out of bed and flipped open her laptop. Deciding to drag it back with her to her last position. Fall had hit the bay pretty hard already and it was too cold to leave the covers on her day off, particularly this early in the morning. As soon as she logged in, the ringtone started and she clicked the answer with video button. 

"Happy birthday beautiful!" Lexa chimed as Clarke's camera kicked on.   
"Hey baby. Why are you holding the phone so close to your face?" Clarke laughed and Lexa made a face at her.  
"Because I wanted you to see me before you forgot about me forever when you see what I'm sitting in."  
"Wait, what?"   
The image widened as Lexa lifted the phone up and away from her.   
"Are you sitting in a pile of puppies?!" Clarke gasped. At least three furry black shapes were stretched out on or near Lexa, sound asleep from what Clarke could see.   
"It is in fact, a pile of puppies. And one of them is going to be mine." She grinned, turning the camera to see four other puppies playing near her.   
"Oh my god, Lex! I am so jealous right now! I want one! Can we have one!? Do they have names? What breed are they? How do you tell them apart? They all look the same!"  
"Clarke. Breathe. They're Belgian Sheepdogs. Most of the other litters are Malinois' or Labs, so these guys are special. They have colored tape on their collars with their names, but I'm starting to know them by personality." She scooped one of the pups up in one and held him up to face the camera.   
"This is Icarus. He's the only male out of seven. Poor guy."   
Icarus squirmed in the crook of Lexa's elbow, trying to run off to tackle his sisters that were asleep on her lap. He twisted and threw his head back and managed to lick Lexa's chin before she let him down. Clarke could only manage a repressed squealing noise. Her girlfriend had never looked so adorable in uniform, or probably anything else, and she felt like she'd overdosed on sugar. Lexa brought the phone closer again as the puppies scattered and she was allowed to stand. 

"You are not supposed to be having fun!" Clarke pouted as her concentration on the cute was broken.   
"I'm technically just doing my assignment for the day before class. I'm paired with a training dog right now , he's a lot older. But the puppies need socialization every day and we need to bond with them. This breed isn't really suited for heat so they're getting trained for domestic use only, which is why this is my litter."   
"So they're not in training yet?"   
"Just basics. They'll go to training school and be ready by the time were certified. Normally you get a dog assigned with your orders, but training specifically for Marine Security is just a little different, and there's not a lot of dogs trained for it, so three of these guys will be going out with me and the other two Marines in my platoon and the other four will be Army or Air Force most likely. I'm hoping Ithaca or Icarus end up suited for security work. Most of this litter will probably be drug or bomb detection dogs. I'm grouped with a lot of EOD guys." Lexa laughed, rolling her eyes. Clarke remembered her saying that anyone who chose EOD was an adrenaline junkie and that she'd rather walk on broken glass for the rest of her life than try to defuse bombs for a living. 

"Ithaca!" One of the puppies was determined to keep her focus and curled up on her boots, promptly falling asleep.   
"I have to leave Ithaca. You can't sleep on me!"   
Clarke laughed as Lexa tried in vain to shake the puppy loose without kicking it.  
"That's the one you want to work with?" Clarke asked skeptically.  
"She loves me. The senior trainers say that she would make a good service dog for someone with my... Mental history." Her voice dropped and Clarke saw another uniform pass behind her shoulder.   
"I gotta go hon." Lexa frowned. "I miss you."  
"I miss you too. At least you have puppies." Clarke stuck her lower lip out in a pout.  
"Puppies just aren't quite the same. And they've got nothing on you in the puppy dog eyes department."  
"I've had time to perfect it. I'm sure they'll catch up, and then I'm outta luck." Lexa could only laugh. She hated being away from Clarke, it had only been two weeks and she was already counting the days until she could go home.

"Happy birthday Clarke. I'm so sorry I couldn't be there."  
"Its alright babe. Connor and Hudson are taking me to dinner. You and I will have our own party when you get home. Ok?"  
"Deal. I love you."  
"I love you too. Go to class." Clarke kissed her fingertips and pressed them to the camera, catching Lexa's smile before she hung up. 

-

"Damn Heda, you're going to have to carry a lint roller or wear tacticals for the rest of your life if you're stuck with one of those dogs." Whethers laughed when Lexa walked into the classroom brushing black hair off her khaki shirt. Apparently employing black haired dogs for security was an unspoken rule and most of her uniforms were at least a few shades darker from the fine coating of shed. Even though her puppies had been gone for weeks she was still finding their fur on everything. 

"Better than dumping sand out of my boots all day out in the desert." She retorted, lifting Whethers' garrison cap to deposit the ball of collected fur on his head. She fitted the cap back in place in a second and turned to walk to her seat before the corporal could react.   
"Seats!" The CO barked as he entered the room.   
"Heda. Master Gunny and the KM want to see you. You're excused."   
Lexa glanced at her teammates in the seats to either side of her, Red a young marine PFC and Whethers, an Army Corporal. They both shrugged and she stood to leave.

The Kennelmaster's office was off of the large Kennel barn and Lexa stopped to see her block one training dog, Coal, as she passed.   
"Hey boy." She greeted him with her praise voice. The old Shepard came up to the wire gate with a wagging tail, automatically sitting for a treat. Lexa reached into the treat pouch that was now included on her service belt, and tossed a cookie to her old partner. Block two would start in a week and she would be assigned a different dog to learn a different set of skills. 

"Captain?" The Master Gunny stepped up behind her, startling her and sending Coal into a firm down stay, still as a board.   
"Sir!" Lexa snapped to attention.  
"As you were Marine. Let's not keep the KM waiting. Shall we?" The older Marine gestured toward the end of the room and the kennel master's door.   
Lexa relaxed and closed the distance to the door, holding it open for the senior officer.   
"Captain, Master Gunny. Have a seat, please." Lexa obeyed, growing more concerned as the seconds ticked by.

"You can breathe Heda, this isn't a Court Martial." The Airman chuckled and she forced herself to stop twisting her cap in her hands.   
"Your litter came back from training school this morning. Five of them passed with flying colors. Your block two will be split between a training dog and one of the Greeks." The Greeks was the name of the litter, all named after Greek characters or places.   
"Thank you sir. Which puppies didn't pass?" She was instantly worried, hoping it wasn't her favorites. Having a whole litter pass training was rare, but if five of the seven passed, they were a fairly exceptional group.   
"Metis and Ithaca" he answered simply, waiting for her reaction. She winced, _"Not Ithica."_ she pouted internally. Though it did mean her other favorite, Icarus, was still a potential partner, she was sad that the smaller pup would be retired before she could serve. 

"They're still well trained animals, just not quite up to the job. The issue we face with dogs like this is rehoming them. They're still military working dogs, so they can't just be adopted by anyone. I wanted to give you the first opportunity to adopt one of the two that didn't pass, as you were their socializer." Lexa gapped at the other officers in the room. 

"Ithaca!" She blurted, a little over enthusiastically, without thinking.  
"You're willing to take her on?"   
"Sir, if I can be frank?" She asked, receiving a nod.   
"I have seriously considered kidnapping that dog from day one." She laughed slightly and the men joined her after a moment.  
"I figured as much. She'd be easily trained for non Military service application."  
"Question though, sir. What happens to her while I'm here for block two?"

The Master Gunnery Sergeant spoke up now.   
"You'll be sent on leave starting this evening, for a week. You live off base in Palo Alto yes?" Lexa nodded, stunned once again at learning she could see Clarke.   
"If you have arrangements at home, you are being permitted to take the dog with you."   
"Thank you sir. I will make the arrangements this evening."   
"Very good Captain. You may return to Class now, please send PFC Red to see us when you arrive."  
"Yes sir." She turned to leave.  
"And Captain? Ithaca will be returning to your hotel with you this evening, we will have your custody paperwork for you before you leave."  
"Yes sir." Lexa couldn't hide her grin. 

-

"What do you think girl, ring the bell, or use our key?" The big black puppy cocked her head to the side, sitting still as Lexa stared at her own front door. It was early morning, Lexa had caught the red eye only hours after she was relieved of base, and she knew Clarke would be avoiding the Autumn chill, still tucked in bed.   
She opted to let Clarke stay in bed and fished her keys out of her backpack.   
"Alright, let's go." She ordered as she carefully pushed the door inward. Ithaca padded inside, waiting a few paces away from the door for her new owner to close the door behind her and set her things down at the base of the stairs.   
"Hold, Ithaca." Lexa was very glad the dog had at least passed obedience, and was very good at it at that. She started up the stairs, her dog watching her patiently from the bottom, laying down as she reached the last step and disappeared from view. 

She stopped short of the bed, finding Clarke asleep, curled around her pillow in her Naval Academy sweatshirt. Lexa hadn't known that she could smile so big and cry at the same time, but this was the time that she realized that she was in fact, capable of such. Lexa was suddenly nervous, not wanting to wake her angelic looking girlfriend. Only when the continued separation was too much did Lexa perch herself next to Clarke, below her curled up knees.   
"Clarke? Hey love, wake up." She reached to rub Clarke's back, gently pulling her from sleep. 

Blue eyes stared sleepily, uncomprehending, up at her for a moment before surprise and recognition took hold, forcing her up instantly to wrap her arms around Lexa's neck.   
"Lexa!" She squealed, sinking into the Marine's grip, her "no uniform for affection" policy out the window.  
"You're home!"  
"I am." Lexa smiled into sleep rumpled blonde curls, savoring the familiar smell of Clarke's conditioner.   
"I brought you something." She said conspiratorially as she pulled them apart reluctantly. Clarke's eyebrows shot up, intrigued and Lexa whistled sharply. Confusion painted Clarke's face for a moment, until a furry black giant sprung onto the bed next to them at Lexa's "up". "You brought me a puppy!?" Clarke exclaimed, gawking at the dog that was sniffing excitedly at her toes, tangling her still over-large paws in the comforter.  
"I did. This is Ithica."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I wrote Lexa's military history long before I decided to put her with a war dog. So I've had to tweak a lot of the actual training procedures for the program so she could actually take it. Normally, marines are chosen from Military Police School to be K9 Handlers, so technically she wouldn't be eligible. Not extremely important, but I hate when I screw up on research. :p   
> Anyway, enjoy!


	20. Chapter 20

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> My kiddos are growing up

They were well past the age where shrieking when they saw each other after a long separation was an acceptable form of greeting, but they were also three grown women who didn't give a fuck what others thought was acceptable. Octavia sprinted towards her sister, leaving Raven laugh at her as she ran, emitting a high pitched squeal.  
"I swear to god I am dragging your pasty ass back to the correct coast if it kills me! Three hundred and ninety days! I haven't seen you in three hundred and ninety days! Unacceptable!" The younger girl scolded, keeping Clarke in a tight hug. Raven wrapped her arms over both of them as she caught up grinning wildly.  
"It has definitely been too long since we were all together." She agreed.  
"Definitely." Clarke echoed.

Ithaca wuffed quietly at her heels, demanding attention as she'd been forgotten the moment Clarke had spotted Raven and Octavia exiting the security checkpoint.  
"I thought Lexa got you a puppy, not a hell hound." Raven teased as Octavia crouched down to ruffle the big dog's scruff and ears.  
"Well, she is a devil dog." Clarke conceded, laughing to herself, remembering that Lexa had told her that Devil Dogs was a common nickname for Marines.  
"But puppies grow fast, and technically she is still a puppy." Clarke defended a little more seriously.  
"She's beautiful." Raven praised, taking her turn to greet the newest family member. 

"Well. Shall we get out of this airport? People are staring." Octavia finally noticed the looks that were being directed at them by the other passengers and their greeting parties.  
"That's because you ran down here like your ass was on fire." Clarke laughed, slinging an arm over her sister's shoulder, taking Raven's bag with her other hand and hanging it over her own shoulder before picking up Ithaca's leash once more.  
"Away we go ladies." She led out into the late November chill and to her waiting car. 

-

"Nooooo!" Raven threw a piece of popcorn at the television and Ithaca bounded to catch it as it bounced off the glass and rolled across the floor.  
"Raven!" Clarke had already reminded her about a hundred times not to feed the dog, even accidentally.  
"I'm sorry, but this is the stupidest thing ever! She just jumps back and forth between the same two dipshits that keep screwing her over! Can't she just hook up with the kick ass computer chick already?!" 

"I'm pretty sure that never happens." Octavia noted, tossing her own popcorn into her mouth, making a face at Ithaca when she padded over to beg.  
"Yeah, that never happens. And that's what makes the love interests interesting, dummy." Clarke argued.  
"She's smarter than that though! The whole show is her being smarter than everyone. Except when it comes to guys apparently. Because then she's an idiot. Like really. Best friend, biker guy or computer girl. Three wonderful options that she's never considered. Actually, best friend is a dick, never mind that." Raven continued to rant, frowning at the screen.

"Ok, I think I'm cutting you off." Clarke laughed, switching the TV off.  
"Awww, but I like the cheesy romance crap!" Octavia whined jokingly.  
"No! You can't! Where's my cynical Octavia?" Raven pouted.  
"Oh, she'll be back."  
"Yeah? When?" Raven passed the popcorn bowl to Clarke. Octavia sighed, rolling her eyes toward the ceiling.  
"Somewhere around nine months from now?"  
Clarke dropped the bowl. 

"Oh. My. God. Octavia! Are you? Are you seriously saying what I think you're saying?!" Clarke couldn't have made her eyes wider if she'd tried. Octavia only managed a reluctant, pained, smile and a shrug. Raven was blinking at her friend, eyes moving between Octavia's face and her stomach.  
"You don't seem thrilled." Raven observed finally, bringing Clarke out of her wind up to insane hyper mode. Clarke's grin quickly turned to concern as she realized Raven was right. 

"Why aren't you thrilled?" Raven asked, still too stunned to put much effort to changing her voice from a flat deadpan.  
"I'm not ready!" Octavia blurted. She knew she should be happy, Lincoln wanted children so badly and it wasn't like they weren't settled and financially stable. But the idea of her adventures, (such as flying to California for a girls weekend over thanksgiving) coming to a close was heartbreaking.  
"And I'm not even a hundred percent sure, one hardly discernible test doesn't tell you shit and I had to switch birth control pills, so everything is kinda, off schedule? anyway. Or, it could be?" She was counting on that logic to keep her from panicking. 

"O, I'm sorry, I got carried away. We're here for you, no matter which way it turns out." Clarke sobered, moving away from the spilt popcorn and her greedy dog who was devouring it to sit next to her sister, wraping her in a reassuring hug.  
"Thank you Clarke. I haven't told Lincoln yet, I wanted to be sure. He'd be heartbroken if it's a false alarm."  
"Well, in his defence, you two will make perfect babies." Raven added, unhelpfully.  
"She has a point there. World's most beautiful baby." Clarke joked, patting Octavia stomach. Octavia batted her away with a scowl. 

"You and Lexa can have it. Lexa is a quarter blood related, that's close enough, right? It would never have to know you werent its biological parents."  
"One, I'm pretty sure it would be fairly obvious. And two, do not pawn your baby off on people! I can barely take care of a dog! And I don't even know what Lexa thinks about kids."  
"You haven't talked about it?" Raven asked, legitimately shocked. She had assumed she would be revising her role as bridesmaid again in the very near future. 

"We've kinda had other things to think about. And eleven of the last thirteen months have been long distance. But that is not what we are talking about! We are talking about Octavia!" Clarke tried to keep the conversation from turning to her relationship.  
"Octavia, who is still right here and wants to change the subject." Octavia muttered.  
"Ok, alright. We won't talk about it anymore. But for the record, I think you'd be an excellent mother. Your mom and dad would be proud." Raven quieted Clarke with a hand, reassuring Octavia with the other.

"At this point, all I've done is have sex with my husband, I really don't think they'd be proud of that, or want to know for that matter."  
"There's my cynical Octavia!"

-

 **Clarke:** We're going to be AUNTIES!!!!!  
**Lexa:** WHAT?!  
**Clarke:** Well, potentially. Octavia is in denial I think.  
**Clarke:** Don't say anything to Lincoln. He doesn't know yet.  
**Lexa:** I am speechless. O.o  
**Clarke:** I am so excited!!!!!

-

"Clarke and Octavia are practically sisters to me, don't get me wrong, but holy shit their lives are complicated right now." Raven inspected the new parts before fitting them into the engine housing and Wells tacked them in place with a quick weld.  
"Clarke still complaining about Lexa being gone?" Wells asked, his eye roll apparent in his voice.  
"Strangely enough, not all that much. She's actually trying to avoid talking about her and their relationship. Which, I think, bothers me more than her going on about it nonstop."  
"Yeah, I've noticed that. It's weird."  
"I think they've kinda reached that happy cruising speed. It's good, but it's different. She doesn't have anything to complain or rant about because everything is actually fine. It's exhausting."  
Wells laughed, Raven's idea of an emotional rollercoaster was far different from anyone else he'd ever met.  
"And what about Octavia? How is her life complicated?" He dug, curious to hear Raven's telling. 

"She's a mess of hormones and she's still denying she's pregnant."  
"What?"  
"Oh yeah. The funny part is, as much as she's denying it and making excuses, she's following all the rules. No drinking, no fun etcetera etcetera." She gave up on the engine housing for the time, flopping down onto an old disembodied bench seat from an old Ford that Lexa had repurposed as a sofa on old wheel rims. 

"Sounds, hectic." Wells joined her, pulling a pair of beers from the small fridge in the corner of the garage before he sat.  
"Thanks Prof." Raven accepted the bottle and tapped the neck to the one in her friend's hand.  
"It is. Why can't people stay the same and make it easy to keep up! Your life hasn't done anything crazy since this summer has it? New girlfriend, discovered a wormhole, developed a tumor? Please say no to all of that."  
Wells quirked an eyebrow at her and she looked at him in confusion until she replayed her sentence and realized what he'd heard.

"I just mean in the general, 'tell me you're still normal and uncomplicated' sense. Not the 'I'm not so secretly hoping you don't have a girlfriend' way." She backtracked, flailing slightly as if trying to bat the idea out of the air between them.  
"Nothing's changed, relax. What about you? Same old shit still?"  
"Same old shit." Raven relaxed.  
"Kicked Finn to the curb though. Turns out, when Clarke decides someone is a fuckboy, she's always right."  
Wells offered a sympathetic smile. 

"I don't know man. Same old shit is comfortable, but it's boring. I mean, I'm actually bored because there's not more drama in Clarke's life to amuse me. That isn't normal. I was with Wick for two years, mostly because it was consistent and I always had someone to argue with when I was bored. Tell me that's healthy." She was frustrated now, crossing her arms over her chest to control her sudden anger.

"Have you been keeping all this in since this summer?" Wells looked at her, concerned by the sudden change of mood.  
"Kinda." Raven admitted sullenly.  
"Clarke and Octavia see everything so... Romantically. You know? All soul mates and happy endings. I just don't. It makes explaining my personal life, complicated. They try, really, they do, its just a different mindset I guess." She took a breath.  
"Sorry for the girl talk. That came outta nowhere. We're supposed to be working on a car."  
"Not girl talk, adult talk. Come on, I'm not going to let stupid gender stereotypes stop me from being supportive of a friend. Say what you have to say Raven. I'm here if you need me." Wells squeezed her shoulder as he stood. 

"I'm here, working on my car." He laughed, looking over the vehicle in question. The doors and hood were off, but the wheels and engine and their housings had been replaced, newly upholstered seats were installed and covered against sparks and rust flakes. She was coming together nicely, with Costia and now Raven's help, and he wanted to have it finished before Lexa came back from training so they could race at the open track.

-

"Call him." Clarke held Octavia's phone through the bathroom doorway.  
"You know, I've never understood why people keep these things. Like, setting three places at the dinner table and putting the damn stick on a plate. That's gross." Octavia mused as she tossed the test into the trash with its packaging, ignoring Clarke to the best of her ability.

"Octavia." Clarke prompted again.  
"Maybe I should call Bellamy." She tried to procrastinate.  
"I think your husband has the right to know first. "  
"Shouldn't I tell him in person?"  
"You were literally just complaining about the over the top announcements that people make." Her sister reminded her patiently.  
"Well I'm not taking the pee stick home with me to give him." Octavia protested.  
"But isn't this like one of those things you're supposed to do in person?"  
"If you really feel like you need to do it in person, I'm with you. But remember that I've known you forever and I know that when he calls tonight you're going to spill the beans whether you planned to or not."

"Fuck. You're right."  
Clarke stepped into the bathroom sat next to her sister on the lip of the bathtub and pressed the phone into her hand.  
"Call him."  
Octavia sighed and unlocked her phone, finding Lincoln's picture in the top corner of the first screen. With a deep breath she pushed the speed dial and lifted the phone to her ear, standing to pace into Clarke's bedroom. 

"Hey hon." Lincoln picked up after three rings.  
"Hey." Octavia swallowed, Clarke flashed her a double thumbs up and an encouraging smile. Lincoln seemed to sense from her voice that he needed to wait for her next sentence and remained silent on the other end of the call.  
"So... We're having a baby."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Bonus points (and possibly a prize) to whoever can guess what show the girls are watching.


	21. Chapter 21

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Home for the holidays

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Your body lies upon the sheets_   
>  _Of paper and words so sweet_   
>  _I can't say the words_   
>  _So I wrote you into my verse_

"Babe, I tried to stay up to welcome you home... I think I failed"  
Lexa read the note next to Clarke's hand, pen still trapped under her fingers. She had fallen asleep mid sentence, curled up next to Ithaca. Lexa decided she could get used to coming home to Clarke like this, so peaceful and beautiful. She pulled the pen gently from Clarke's hand and scrawled her own note in reply and straightened her blanket before heading downstairs again, giving Ithaca a silent hand signal to stay and guard Clarke.  
The dog resumed her position, lying next to her master with her head resting on the sleeping woman's hip, watching the door and the stairwell for intruders. 

-

"I came home to an angel in my bed, what more could I ask for?"  
Clarke woke to Lexa's familiar block lettering under her own messy scratch. For a moment she expected the warmth at her back to be Lexa and she turned quickly, finding an alarmed Ithaca, startled by the sudden movement.  
"Easy girl." She muttered, scratching the dog's chest to relax her. She wuffed slightly and settled back down to sleep. Clarke turned back to the note, reading the whole thing this time. 

"P.S. I'm in the kitchen with coffee."  
Was printed neatly at the bottom and Clarke tangled her legs in the comforter as she scrambled to get out of bed to rush downstairs. When she got free, she combed her fingers through her hair quickly and stepped onto the stairs quietly, hoping to see Lexa before she saw her. 

A marine sat at her kitchen table, crossword puzzle in her lap, coffee in hand and a large black dog at her feet. Clarke had to double check that Ithaca was still at her heel before the image clicked.  
Lexa was watching her over the lip of her mug, smile crinkling the corners of her eyes as she waited for the sleep confusion to fall away.  
"Icarus?" Clarke asked. The bigger dog perked his head up from his paws and his tail began thumping behind him as he recognized his littermate. 

Lexa nodded and stood, releasing the dog from his stay. She crossed the distance between them in two long strides and embraced Clarke with her hands on either side of her jaw, pulling her into a sudden, but soft, kiss. Two months had passed, to the day, since they held each other and Clarke finally felt like she was home even though she had never left. 

-

"Just so you're aware, Octavia is probably still going to try to pawn the baby off on us." Clarke laughed as Lexa flipped through the skymall catalogue, glancing over the baby toys and clothes.  
"Excellent!" Lexa echoed the laugh. "Best Christmas present ever!"  
Clarke's shock took precedence over her relief and she could only gape at her girlfriend.  
"What? Tell me you wouldn't want a kid without having to go through all the pregnancy and delivery fuss." Lexa defended, still laughing, though now it was at Clarke's facial expressions.  
"I. I guess I never thought of you wanting kids." She managed to stammer. "I never did really." Lexa admitted.  
"But I don't know, it's growing on me."  
Clarke beamed.  
"When did that start happening?" She asked lightly.  
"When you told me that Octavia was pregnant. And when Lincoln called after. You were so happy, it was kinda infectious." 

"Mommy? Why is that lady dressed like that?" A little boy with an animal backpack and light up sneakers stopped in the aisle, holding up the boarding line to stare at Lexa's uniform, more fascinated by that than the dog curled at her feet.  
"Because she's a hero. Like the policeman." His mother explained simply, offering an apologetic smile for the interruption and her son's blunt curiosity.  
"Oh." He paused then looked up into Lexa's face.  
"Thank you." He told her solemnly before jumping ahead down the aisle to find the number on his ticket. 

"Oh my god." Clarke barely managed to repress delighted squeals until the pair had passed. Lexa had pressed a hand to her mouth to cover the grin that spread across her face.  
"We need one."  
Lexa nodded vigorously.  
"That was the most adorable thing that has ever happened to me in my life." She said happily when she trusted her voice to stay at a normal tone. 

A number of people had offered her a nod or the occasional salute as they passed through first class to find their seats, and she had been stopped a few times in the gate area to be thanked for her service, but that was normal when she flew in uniform. This would be memorable, something she was sure she and Clarke would be telling to their mothers as soon as they saw them. 

Clarke gripped Lexa's hand, dragging it away from her lap to brush against her lips.  
"You're actually a sap. Who knew." She teased, earning a shrug and a laugh.  
"My best guarded secret, protect it well."  
"Always." Clarke leaned over to seal the promise with a gentle kiss. 

-

"Indra, you have to tell me," Clarke started from her mother's side in the passenger seat of the car.  
"How do you decide on 'Lexa' out of 'Alexandria'? Lexa pleads ignorance."  
Indra laughed quietly, patting her daughter on the knee.  
"Not ignorance so much as protecting her brother's pride." She narced. Clarke turned in her seat to watch as Indra explained.  
"Lincoln hadn't mastered speaking when Lexa was born, he called her A-lexa-andia."

"When he kills me, it's your fault." Lexa muttered, turning her attention to Ithaca, curled as tightly as she could manage between the mother and daughter in the back seat.  
"It's been nearly twenty six years, I think he can handle the embarrassment of a childhood speech impediment." Indra scolded.  
"Anya was the one that ended up giving us 'Lexa' though. She liked the sound of it broken up that way and wanted it to be easier for Lincoln to say, it just stuck after that." She continued, directing her speech back at Clarke.  
"This entire week is going to be you embarrassing me and Lincoln isn't it?" Lexa chuckled, trying her hardest not to sass. 

"I believe I'm entitled." Her mother squared her shoulders and raised her chin. Clarke laughed, seeing more of Lexa in Indra than she had ever seen. The woman had seemed almost harsh, out of place at her son's wedding, and the pair had hardly spoken in the times they were forced to be in the same location. But now they seemed almost close. 

"Home at last." Abby jumped in as she pulled into the long driveway of her home.  
Lexa fitted her cap and jumped out of the car as soon as the engine shut off, letting the dog follow her lead before opening Clarke's door for her. Clarke rewarded her with a peck on the cheek, gathering Ithaca's leash and crunching through the fresh snow to the front door. Lexa retrieved their bags with a smile and followed, keeping inside the trail that Clarke, Indra and Abby had forged.

"Clarke." Lexa called as she shut the door with a foot behind her.  
"Ithaca probably needs to be let out."  
"Already done babe. She's in the yard. You need to get civilian clothes on." Clarke countered. The only reason she'd agreed to let Lexa fly in uniform while she was on leave was so that they could get Ithaca on board without question or having her ride cargo. The agreement had been that as soon as they arrived, the uniform would be put away until they left for the airport on new years day. Lexa shook her head with a short laugh, passing through the kitchen where Clarke was rummaging in the fridge.  
"I'll be out in a minute."

"You have her whipped." A familiar voice rang from the stairwell.  
"Bellamy!" Clarke jumped and ran to her brother's waiting arms.  
"Hey princess. Long time no see." He laughed.  
"Abby said you passed the bar. Congrats."  
"Was there ever any doubt?" Clarke answered with a cocky grin, stepping back.  
"Yes. From you mostly." Lexa's voice carried through Clarke's childhood bedroom's door, only a few feet away from the bottom of the stairs where the pair were standing.  
"Hush." Clarke glared at the wooden door like it was the one who had spoken.

"She's been home two days and she's already trying to drown me in sarcasm." Clarke sighed, pulling Bellamy back to the kitchen before opening the door for Ithaca.  
"So this is the dog Octavia wants to trade her baby for?" Bellamy noted as Clarke ruffled the shepherd's ears and brushed snow from her long silky coat.  
"I guarantee you the baby will be less work." Clarke rolled her eyes as her fingers caught in tangled wet fur. 

Lexa reappeared in jeans and her commandeered Stanford hoody, garrison cap replaced by a knit beanie over loose curls. She perched herself next to her mother on a barstool, shaking her head with a wry smile.  
"If you don't want her..." She started.  
Clarke threw her arms around the dog protectively.  
"Nooooo!" 

Abby could only laugh, happy to see that the months apart hadn't strained her daughter's relationship.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We're almost at the end guys! But don't worry. There's probably going to be a third installment. :D


	22. Chapter 22

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lexa continues to be a sap.. And a little shit. :p

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _I know its true_   
>  _No one heals me like you_   
>  _And you hold the key_

Lexa extracted herself from Clarke's arms when she heard movement in the kitchen, fully awake in moments.   
She found her discarded sleep clothes,dug her secret prize from its hiding place in her backpack and stepped lightly out into the hallway, careful to not wake Clarke. 

"Lexa! You're up early." Abby smiled warmly, waving her into the kitchen.  
"I was hoping you could teach me your famous Christmas Eve breakfast." Lexa returned the smile, quickly taking over the job of dicing vegetables.   
"Clarke has made sure that I know that it's the best thing she's ever tasted in her life." She drew a laugh from the elder Griffin.   
"I'd be happy to share. It's a family recipe, but I don't think Clarke has the patience for cooking, so I guess it's going to skip a generation."   
"It's an honor." Lexa smiled. 

"Actually, Abby..." She had to swallow heavily before she could finish her sentence, Abby's full attention on her in seconds.  
"On the subject of family. I- I wanted to ask-" she stopped as Abby exhaled a laughing breath and she registered the other woman nodding.  
"You have my blessing Lexa." 

Lexa let out a breath she didn't know she was holding with a shudder, trying to keep from getting emotional. When she had made the decision, it had seemed to be merely a formality, but the closer she got to actually asking, the more unnerved she became. Abby's ready acceptance and preemptive answer released a tension she'd been carrying for days. 

"Thank you." Lexa fidgeted with her hands, unsure of the proper response.  
"I know it's fast, but well... I've fought a war, been held prisoner, and woken up screaming nearly every night since, but being away from Clarke was the hardest thing I've ever been though. I can't think of a better sign that this is the right thing to do. She's my world. I just wanted you to know that I'm going to do everything I can to make sure her happy and-"  
"Come here." Abby cut her off, pulling her into a tight hug, eyes brimming with joyful tears. 

"Mom? Lexa?" Clarke stepped into the hallway, peering into the kitchen in sleepy confusion. Lexa sprung out of Abby's embrace in momentary shock and terror, hoping Clarke hadn't heard any of their conversation.  
"What's going on out here?" Clarke asked suspiciously.  
"Your wonderful girlfriend is helping me with Christmas Eve breakfast." Abby claimed without hesitation, blinking away the last of the tell-tell moisture of tears before her daughter noticed.   
"I was just telling Lexa how proud I am of her for being accepted back into the Corp. I hadn't had a chance to say it in person." 

"Ri-ight." Clarke shrugged and turned toward the bathroom.   
"I'm going to shower now. Lex, can you get Ithaca's breakfast and let her out?" She seemed to accept her mother's flimsy cover without much thought.  
"Yeah. Of course hon." Lexa agreed, quickly scrambling for the dog food they had stashed under the kitchen sink as Ithaca bounded out of the room, bowl firmly held in her jaws. 

"Can I ask one favor Abby?" Lexa asked quietly as she heard the water heater rumble to life. Abby nodded, waiting for Lexa to fill the dog's dish and stand again to deliver her request.  
"Could you hold on to this for me?" Lexa held out a small silver leathered box, pressing it into Abby's offered hands.  
"I don't want her finding it before it's time." She stole a glance down the hall to make sure Clarke didn't reappear.  
"May I look at it?" Abby couldn't contain the thrilled smile that stretched across her face. Lexa nodded her permission and she tipped the lid back.

-

"She's wearing a bow! Is she my present?!" Octavia squealed when she opened the door to Clarke, Lexa and a festively decorated Ithaca, dropping to her knees instantly to hug the dog.  
"I've been replaced by my own dog." Clarke muttered.   
"I already gave her to Clarke. If I'd known I would have gotten you her littermate." Lexa laughed, squeezing past her sister-in-law to get out of the cold.   
"Don't encourage her. We're going to have enough on our plates." Lincoln appeared out of the den, a string of lights still hung over his shoulders and scooped his sister up in a warm hug. 

"I don't know what you're talking about." Lexa feigned innocence, earning a scowl from Lincoln.   
"Uh huh. Jerk."   
"What did Lexa do?" Raven asked, appearing at Lincoln's heels, leaving her father in the living room with Abby, Marcus and Indra  
"My little sister," he started, glaring sarcastically at the sibling in question.  
"Can't let me have one moment. I called her, the first person I called mind you, to tell her that my wife was pregnant, and this punk just gives me an, 'I know' in the smuggest voice I have ever heard." He shoved his sister lightly and the other girls laughed as she stumbled into the dog, waiting at her heels now that Octavia had targeted Clarke for the next hug attack. 

"You aren't innocent here Clarke." Lincoln scolded and Clarke bit her lip, smiling nervously like a child caught with a hand in the cookie jar. He laughed, taking his turn to embrace her.   
"I couldn't help myself. I am not responsible for Lexa being a punk though, so that's all on her." Clarke grinned over Lincoln's shoulder and Lexa gripped at her chest dramatically as though she were wounded.

"Are we doing Christmas in the entryway?" Bellamy shouldered his way in through the still open front door, arms full of presents.   
"Hello Santa!" Raven cheered, setting the whole group into giggles. 

-

"I know we're not all praying people, but before we eat, I wanted to just say how thankful I am that we're all here." Octavia stayed standing at her place beside Lincoln at the dining room table.  
"Our outstanding mothers, Marcus and Frank," she nodded to her adoptive mother's boyfriend and to Raven's father who had had heavy presence in her early life and was always welcome in their family.   
"My best friends, sisters both of them," she beamed at Clarke and Raven.  
"And our uniformed heroes, home from saving our asses."  
Lexa blushed and Bellamy shook his head, but they shared a nod of mutual appreciation for each other's service.   
"Our whole family, in one room." Octavia finished, raising her glass.   
"I'll drink to that!" Bellamy raised his own wineglass, tapping it against his sister's, and then Kain's, leading a chain reaction of clicking glass and happy "Cheers!" around the table.

"To being together again." Clarke said quietly as she tipped her glass against Lexa's. The reply was a toast of her own. "To never truly being apart."


	23. Chapter 23

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> guess who finally makes an appearance?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Cuz I'm still young_   
>  _Wide eyed and hopeless_   
>  _Yeah I'm still young_   
>  _I want your devotion to this_

"Tell me that's pizza."  
Octavia jumped for the door as soon as the sound of the bell faded.   
Clarke, Raven and Lexa rolled their eyes in unison, deciding to stay put and let Octavia deal with the offending doorbell ringer. 

"Unless pizza is delivered by old Navy dudes, it's not pizza." Octavia called through the house. Lexa jumped to her feet instantly, nearly dumping Clarke onto the floor as she lifted her legs off of her lap.   
"Octavia!" She scolded, unable to believe how rude her sister-in-law was in front of Navy personnel. She rushed from the den to meet the mystery sailor, stopping short as she recognized the figure in the doorway.

"Admiral." She said cooly with a quick, stiff salute, eyes and voice becoming steel.  
"Lexa. That's hardly necessary." The man replied, stepping past a very confused Octavia.  
"You're a superior officer in uniform, Father. It would be impertinent of me to address you otherwise"   
Clarke and Raven had come to see what it was that had Lexa so flustered and were now staring open mouthed along with Octavia who was still holding the door. The admiral sighed, a defeated sound that brought his boarded shoulders down in an undignified slump.  
"Your mother called and told me where to find you. She mentioned that your... health... was improving and I thought it was about time I tried to mend our bridges."   
"Mother called you." Lexa said in disbelief.  
"We speak once a year. December twenty-eighth, your birthday."   
Lexa blinked. After sixteen years of a bitter divorce, her parents still celebrated her birthday together in their own strange way. She had always painted her father as a hard man, never sentimental, unfeeling, not a man that would surprise his daughter on her birthday to mend old wounds. 

"I know you've hated me ever since your sister passed Lexa, but I am still your father." he continued, head hung, cap hanging loosely from slack fingers. Just a man, not a navy officer, just a father.   
"This has nothing to do with the transfer to DC?" Lexa asked skeptically.  
"I know you have to have seen the orders."  
"I saw them, yes. But that's not why I'm here." He lifted his eyes to meet his daughter's, almost perfect mirrors of his own. 

"Washington DC?" Clarke found her voice, looking from father to daughter and tearing the brief, tentative connection between them.  
"I will explain later Clarke." Lexa said stiffly, mentally reprimanding herself for bringing it up so casually before she told Clarke about her new orders.  
She held her lips in a thin stubborn line, weighing her father's sincerity carefully before deciding to at least make the same effort he'd made by coming to find her. 

"I suppose you should stay for dinner." Lexa offered bitterly, knowing she was trapped. She stepped back to allow her father to step further into the house.   
"You've met Octavia," she gestured to his side where her sister-in-law stood.  
"Lincoln's wife." She made the connection for him, pleased to see his reaction was delayed by a double take.   
"My good friend, Raven." She turned slightly to where Raven was standing behind her shoulder, still staring unabashedly.   
"And Clarke." She turned back the other way and took another step to stand beside the very bewildered woman.   
"My girlfriend." She concluded smugly, taking joy from the jump of the older man's brows in shock. 

"It's nice to meet all of you." He said warmly as he recovered, stepping forward to offer a handshake to Clarke.  
"Rodrick Heda. Please, call me Rick." He named himself as she shook the extended hand cautiously.   
"A pleasure, Rick." Clarke slipped into her now well practiced attorney voice, betraying none of her underlying feelings.   
"Please make yourself at home. Would you mind if I borrowed Lexa for a second, I know you have a lot to catch up on." She asked in a tone that was decidedly more of a demand than a request despite her pleasant tone.   
"Yes of course."   
Clarke grabbed Lexa's sleeve as soon as the words were out of her father's mouth and dragged her into her bedroom.

-

"So, that's my father." Lexa tried to lighten the suddenly heavy mood as the door shut behind her.   
"DC?!" Clarke snapped, ignoring the attempt.  
"Were you going to tell me that you were getting transferred back to Virginia?" She was seething now.  
"I was Clarke. Really. I just wanted us to not have to think about it for as long as we could."  
"Well now we're thinking about it. What exactly are your orders?" Clarke demanded, pacing the room as Lexa sunk to the edge of the bed.

"Icarus and I are to be stationed at the Protective Operations Field Office for NCIS. It's security for some of the country's most important military leaders. It's really a huge honor to have been picked for the position, Clarke, I couldn't say no."   
Lexa felt her plans slowly crumbling and was grateful that she had given the engagement ring to Abby so she couldn't follow the impulse to propose to fix the situation she'd found herself in. She had wanted to wait to explain her transfer orders until after Clarke had agreed to marry her so that it didn't seem forced by a necessity, but it was looking to be too late for that.

"This is what you want?" Clarke asked, calming in defeat, hearing the pride that Lexa couldn't keep from her voice and realizing that this was what she had signed up for. Lexa sighed, choosing her words carefully.  
"It's what I've been working for. What I want... I want to do what I'm good at. I want to be closer to my family when my brother's baby is born, maybe I want to fix things with my father, I don't know. I do know that I want you to be happy though. If you can't do this, I'll understand, it's not easy, its a lot to ask of you. But it is what I know, and it is what I want to do." The longer she spoke the more she was sure of what she was saying. She was sure she would never chose the Corp over Clarke, but she really hoped she wouldn't have to test that theory. 

"It's not easy." Clarke echoed, dropping to the bed beside Lexa.  
"This is all so different from anything I know Lexa. I've lived in two places in twenty five years, and you've been in twice as many places in just one. I guess I don't adapt well, but it's pretty stupid to just let that be how it is and not try to change it, right? You've practically been through hell and back to get back in control of your life, the least I can do is learn to adapt. Its easier said than done, but I'll give it my best shot."   
Lexa felt her pulse slow from its panicked pace, nodding her agreement.  
"I don't understand why you didn't tell me though." She held Lexa's eyes with a hurt expression.  
"I thought we were past keeping secrets."

"I was going to tell you, I really was, soon. It just wasn't the right time. I just wanted us to enjoy our holiday, to not think about the Corp or orders or any of that." Half the truth would half to do for now, her proposal plan hopefully safe once again. 

"Guys?" Octavia whispered through the door with a light knock. She cracked the door and poked her head through cautiously before speaking again.   
"My mother-in-law and father-in-law are in the same room, and I think the fireworks are going to be a few days early this year if we don't mediate."  
"You left them alone?!" Lexa stared in shock.  
"Raven is with them?"  
"You left them with Raven?!" Clarke mimicked Lexa, though her concern was real considering the stories she'd heard about Lexa's parents and their mutual disdain for each other.   
"We'll be out in a minute O. Just don't let them talk about themselves or each other." Lexa coached, standing and pulling Clarke to her feet as well.  
"Actually, dont let them talk." She amended as the door shut. 

"They really hate each other huh?" It was more statement than question.   
"Yeah. Two bull headed people with a grudge." Lexa commented, a rehearsed phrase, Clarke was sure.   
"Well I see where you get it." Clarke poked playfully at Lexa's shoulder. Lexa face formed a soft smile, then turned serious once more.   
"Are we ok, Clarke?" 

Clarke sighed, wrapping her arms around Lexa's waist pulling herself closer to rest her head against the shoulder she had been abusing, dropping a quick kiss to where she had poked.  
"We're ok. You have your orders, I can't argue with that. You'll move to DC and I'll follow as soon as I can, it is home after all."  
"You'll move back to Virginia for me?"  
"I'd move to Siberia for you Lexa."

 

-

 

"You wanted the world's most awkward dinner for your birthday right?" Lincoln leaned over to whisper in his sister's ear, eyes darting between his mother and father at opposite sides of the table   
"Did they glare at each other like this when we were kids?"  
"Why do you think Rodrick wasn't invited to my wedding?"   
"I must have blocked it out." Lexa laughed into her drink softly. 

Their server came to take their order before long and there were a few blissful moments of peace while everyone's eyes were diverted to menus.  
"And for the birthday girl?" The young woman asked, having been repeatedly informed when she was settling the party into their table that it was in fact Lexa's birthday.   
"Strippers and cake!" Octavia cheered. Lexa's order died on her tongue. Raven scowled and reached across the table to tap Octavia's arm with a shake of her head.   
"Octavia, remember? No cake, we couldn't work both into the budget." She spoke to their waitress then.  
"Just the strippers thanks."  
"Kill me now." Lexa pleaded into her hands, absolutely mortified. To make matters worse, Rick and Indra seemed to agree, for once, that their daughter's humiliation was hysterical and began laughing with the rest of the table. 

Clarke managed to make Lexa's order for her through giggles, and Lexa refused to show her face until the food arrived, but "Only because I have to use my hands to eat."  
Raven opened her mouth to make a joke at that, but was silenced by a vicious glare.   
"One word and I will kill you in your sleep Reyes."   
"You know you love us." Octavia smiled sweetly.  
"All I know is I can't take you two anywhere."  
"She loves us." Octavia told Raven confidently.  
"Yeah, she loves us." 

"Clarke, I changed my mind, we can't move back to DC. We need to go to Hawaii or Alaska or something. Somewhere further away from them." Lexa's smile betrayed the fact that she was actually enjoying the banter in spite of her protests. 

 

-

 

"Thank you." Lexa said, breaking the silence as she walked beside her father down Abby's driveway after the party had died down that evening.  
"For what, Lexa?"  
"For making the effort."  
"I'm sorry it took me so long. I should have been there for you when you got back from Afghanistan." He shook his head in regret, wishing he could go back in time, just as he had every second since Indra had called him and explained what Lexa had never told him after her tour.  
"It wouldn't have mattered Father. I wasn't ready to deal with it until I had Clarke to get better for." Lexa shrugged, leaning against the car as they reached the end of the driveway.

"She's an amazing girl. I'm happy for you. Really, I am. It's not what I expected to be sure, but I'm glad you're happy." He clapped her on the shoulder, the closest she'd gotten to a hug from him since she was fifteen and he was sure she was going to die in a hospital bed. She rolled her eyes at herself and broke that streak, wrapping her arms around his chest in a tight hug, releasing years of a pointless grudge. After a moment of shock, he returned the embrace, laughing at the suddenness of it. 

"I'm proud of you Lexa." he beamed as she stepped back and he held her at arm's length.   
"Does that mean you'll walk me down the aisle?" She laughed at his expression, remembering all the times he'd worn it when she was a child and had scandalized him at least once a week.   
"I'm asking Clarke to marry me on New Year's Eve." She continued, opening the car door for him.  
"You- I would like for you to be here, if you can make it, of course." Remembering that this man was her father and had given her a good life, and had really done nothing to deserve the hell she'd given him for the last eleven years, was getting easier as the night wore on. Making the request was an impulse, but the thought resonated with her and she felt that it was something that she truly wanted. To start fresh with this new chapter of her life.   
"I wouldn't miss it for the world. Though you might want to warn your mother." He chuckled, stepping into the car and adjusting his seat.  
"I will. " Lexa smiled.  
"I'll see you in a couple days. Drive safe, Dad." She closed the door and stepped back to watch him pull away.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The final two chapters are outlined! Guys I am so proud of myself! :P


	24. Chapter 24

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The moment you've all been waiting for.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> _Tell her a story_   
>  _Tell her the honest truth_   
>  _You treat her better_   
>  _Make sure to see it through_   
>  _Don't be just everything she wants_   
>  _Be everything she needs_   
>  _When she says she loves you_   
>  _Tell her you love her too_

"Why are we out here? It's freezing!" Octavia muttered at Raven's side, slapping at bare willow branches that hung around them.  
"You aren't supposed to be out here, you're supposed to be covering for me inside." Raven grumbled at her, repeating the same thing she had been trying to explain since they left the house.  
"But who's going to keep you company, grumpycat? You hate all this mushy stuff, someone has to keep you sane." She knew she shouldn't tease, but she was too hyped to care.   
"I don't hate it, I just don't want it for myself, there's a difference."  
"Any yet, you keep making videos of adorable proposals." Octavia sighed wistfully, remembering when Raven had appeared with her camera after Lincoln had put her ring on her finger.  
"O, go inside before they come looking for you."  
"Fine, I see how it is." She pouted, starting the trudge back to the house through their tracks, avoiding disrupting the untouched snow behind the patio.  
"I'm just setting up the camera!" Raven called after her, exasperated, despite knowing that her friend was just trying to rile her up for the heck of it.

-

The television was cycling through Europe's new years festivities, and the parties in Times Square and other major American cities when Raven stepped back into the house, slapping snow off her pant legs and coat.  
"All set for the show!" She announced, flipping pliers over a finger to emphasize that she had been out setting up the fireworks display.   
"Excellent! Should we head out that way?" Bellamy asked.  
"Let's wait til after the ball drops, we can set ours off a few minutes late right? It's cold out there." Octavia snuggled deeper into the sofa and Lincoln's side.  
Lexa laughed, knowing that Octavia was only complaining about the cold to keep the deck clear for her for a few extra minutes.   
"I'll go make sure the space heaters are on out there." She nodded slightly at Abby behind Clarke's shoulder from their place on the sofa before standing.   
"Thank you Lexa. Clarke, could you help her? You know how tricky those old things are."   
Clarke just laughed, shaking her head to say that her mother didn't need to ask. 

"Shall we?" Lexa slid the door back, standing aside to let Clarke step through ahead of her, ushering her past with a sweeping hand like a professional guide. "We shall, Goof."   
When Clarke's back was turned, Abby offered an encouraging thumbs up in response to Lexa's nervous grin at her.

-

"Looks like someone forgot that they turned these on already " Clarke laughed, tapping one of the tall lamps with a slippered foot. Between the four heaters the patio was cozy, the winter snow pushed back from the stones by the warm orange glow of the fires in their braziers. Beyond the steps that lead to the garden and the old willow she had spend her childhood drawing under, Clarke could see the unbroken spread of white, glowing under a full moon and the thousands of stars around it.   
"Should we stay and watch the stars for a bit? Lexa smiled, stepping up to stand beside her on the edge of the steps. The night sky seemed to be working in her favor, distracting Clarke, keeping her from sensing the nervous shake of her fingers as she pushed golden hair behind her ear to better see her soft smile of wonder. Clarke never tired of looking at the sky, and Lexa never tired of watching her take it in.

"You're ignoring me again." Lexa teased at her ear in a whisper when Clarke's answer never came, bringing her out of her revere and tearing her eyes from the sky.  
"I'm not!" She protested weakly, pouting at the thought that Lexa could believe such lies.   
"I know, I just wanted you to look at me." Lexa reached for Clarke's cheek, smoothing away her frown with her thumb and a smile.   
Clarke leaned into her palm, humming softly. After a week and a half with family, filled with parties and reunions and probably more booze than necessary, this was a side of Lexa that she was beginning to miss. The gentle, romantic, sweet Lexa that was hers alone.

She fiddled absently with the buttons at Lexa's chest, appreciating that she was wearing the new leather jacket that had been her birthday gift. Lexa's smile when she captured the wayward hand in both of her own was enough to blind Clarke. It was the one she reserved for her most honest, happiest moments. The one that lit up a room.  
"I love you." She murmured, melting at the adoration in Lexa's eyes. 

"I love you." Lexa replied, leaning in to leave a kiss on her forehead.  
"I had a plan," she confessed.  
"To tell you all the things I love about you, how much you mean to me, and everything you've done to make me better, make me a better person. But I can't remember a word of it, I couldn't even if I had it written in front of me. Because when you're looking at me like this, when you're here next to me, I can't think. I don't want to think, you're the only thing in my head and I wouldn't have it any other way.

"This past year has been the best of my life. I've never been happier and I want to have so many more with you. I know I'm difficult, and my life is hard, but you haven't once wanted out, even when you probably should have.   
You're my whole world, Clarke, the first and last thing I think of every day and every second in between. And I don't need this to tell you that," Lexa paused, uncurling her fingers from the ring pressed into her palm, bringing it to rest at the tip of Clarke's fingers, waiting to slip it into place.   
"But I do need it to ask you," she sunk to a knee, eyes locked on Clarke's.  
"If you would do me the honor of spending the rest of your life with me as my wife." 

There was a moment of silence as Clarke swallowed back the flood of emotions and elated surprise. She recovered quickly, remembering that it was now her turn to speak, and reached her other hand to pull Lexa to her feet, sliding her finger through the ring without even looking at it. Blue and green eyes remained focused on each other until Lexa was standing again and Clarke nodded. The motion was slow at first, quickening with the spread of her smile, giving herself a moment to find her words.  
"Yes." She said quietly, feeling still choking her voice down to a whisper. 

It was enough for Lexa. She wrapped her arms around Clarke, around her fiancée, and lifted her, laughing, into a spin.  
"Yes!" Clarke said again, grinning as her feet touched stone again, her laughter having brought back her true voice. 

The kiss was quick, fouled by grins and happy laughter, but it was perfect and they were content to hold each other close as it ended.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is it guys! The end!   
> (What would have been chapter 25 is going to be its own oneshot because it really doesn't fit, and this is just too good of an ending to try to add more.)  
> Thank you all so much for reading and commenting and all your encouragement along the way. Don't worry this isn't the last you'll see of these kiddos! (a short hiatus to work on the novel is in order though)   
> My tumblr is always open for asks if you want some insider info into the AU or even if you want to "ask the characters" something. I would love to have that type of forum to continue to talk to you all. :)


	25. Update

Hey all, sorry for the fake chapter, I just wanted to let anyone who wasn't already aware know that the next TWO books are up and being updated. 

 

http://archiveofourown.org/works/4720586

The wedding from a different point of view

And

http://archiveofourown.org/works/4751117  
Four/five years later Clexa babies story. Much angst and quite a bit of cute.

**Author's Note:**

> Hope you enjoyed it! I'd love to hear your comments!  
> Fic Specific updates @  
> http://coopthewordguy.tumblr.com/


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